The Best Of I Love Lucy
Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I’d never said, ‘No thank you, please.’
As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt—
I said to myself, as I only can
‘You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!’
So–away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
‘Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won’t have a cookie–not even a lick.
I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore—
But isn’t that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
Please, take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.
This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks and crap like that.
Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.
This message is sent to you by someone who is a drinker and worries about your safety.
Grocery List Of The 1%
Spicy Caviar Doritos
Lobster-Flavored Filet Mignon
1855 Bordeaux Concentrate
Truffle Oil Body Lubricant
Mink Toilet Paper
Egyptian Cotton Paper Towels
Bottled Holy Water
If Feeling Generous
Canned Maid Food
Differences In Aviators
On a carrier, the Naval Aviator looks over at the Catapult Officer (“Shooter”) who gives the run up engines signal by rotating his finger above his head. The pilot pushes the throttle forward, verifies all flight controls are operational, checks all gauges, and gives the Cat officer a brisk salute, continuing the Navy/Marine tradition of asking permission to leave the ship. The Cat officer drops to one knee while swooping his arm forward and pointing down deck, granting that permission. The pilot is immediately catapulted and becomes airborne.
Air Force Pilot
We’ve all seen Air Force pilots at the air force base look up just before taxiing for takeoff and the ground crew waits until the pilot’s thumb is sticking straight up. The crew chief then confirms that he sees the thumb, salutes, and the Air Force pilot then takes off. This time-tested tradition is the last link in the Air Force safety net to confirm that the pilot does not have his thumb up his ass.
If you’ve ever seen an Army helicopter pilot preparing for takeoff, you will note that the pilot gives the ground guy a thumbs up before he is given hover and takeoff signals. There are two theories about the origin of this gesture. One is that it is to show that the pilot has identified which of his fingers is the thumb so that he will be able to properly operate his controls. The most compelling theory says that this is to show the ground crewman that the pilot indeed knows which direction is up.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. ~ W.C. Fields ~
I can resist everything except temptation. ~ Oscar Wilde ~
A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche ~
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. ~ Mark Twain ~
I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. ~ Oscar Wilde ~
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. ~ Margaret Mead ~
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. ~ Oscar Wilde ~
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.~Friedrich Nietzsche~
Live everyday like it was your last, and eventually you’ll be right. ~ Funny Short Saying ~
I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect. ~ Funny Short Saying ~
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?” “I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss an opportunity so he asked… “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”
So she does… And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.
After she’s finished, the biker says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That’s a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?”
“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl……..”
Idiots On TV
ACTUAL ANSWERS GIVEN ON FAMILY FEUD
(I will admit some of them have a certain logic, but I don’t think it’s logic I would use.)
Name something a blind person might use – A sword
Name a song with moon in the title – Blue Suede Moon
Name a bird with a long neck – Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch – A burglar
Name a famous brother & sister – Bonnie & Clyde
Name a dangerous race – The Arabs
Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers – A horse
A kind of ache – Fillet ‘O’ Fish
A food that can be brown or white – Potato
A jacket potato topping – Jam
A famous Scotsman – Jock
Another famous Scotsman – Vinnie Jones
Something with a hole in it – Window
A non living object with legs – Plant
A domestic animal – Leopard
A part of the body beginning with ‘N’ – Knee
A way of cooking fish – Cod
Something that flies that doesn’t have an engine – A bicycle with wings
Something you might be allergic to – Skiing
Name a famous bridge – The bridge over troubled waters
Something a cat does – Goes to the toilet
Something you do in the bathroom – Decorate
Name an animal you might see at the zoo – A dog
Something associated with the police – Pigs
A sign of the zodiac – April
Name something that floats in the bath – Water
Name something you wear on the beach – A deckchair
Name something Red – My cardigan
Name a famous cowboy – Buck Rogers
Name a famous royal – Mail
A number you have to memorize – 7
Something you do before going to bed – Sleep
Something you put on walls – Roofs
How To Give A Cat Medication
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws firmly. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8 ) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to stretch out flat on top of cat with head just visible from below arm-pit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by the furniture store on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to find a new home for cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters
No Sex Since 1955
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”
“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”
“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself.”
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had Sex?”
“Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no Sex since 1955! ” She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”
Questions To Ponder
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world “up over”?
Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish-washing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
Daylight savings time – why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
What was the name of Old Spice when it was new?