Friday Fun Stuff – 6-22-13

Psycho Psychiatrists – Fry & Laurie

How To Be A Jerk In A Relationship

Bart Simpson Chalkboard Sayings

1. I will not waste chalk
2. I will not skateboard in the halls
3. I will not burp in class
4. I will not instigate revolution
5. I will not draw naked ladies in class
6. I did not see Elvis
7. I will not call my teacher ‘Hot Cakes’
8. Garlic gum is not funny
9. They are laughing at me, not with me
10. I will not yell “fire” in a crowded classroom
11. I will not encourage others to fly
12. I will not fake my way through life
13. Tar is not a plaything
14. I will not Xerox my butt
15. I will not trade pants with others
16. I will not do that thing with my tongue
17. I will not drive the principal’s car
18. I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
19. I will not sell school property
20. I will not cut corners
21. I will not get very far with this attitude
22. I will not make flatulent noises in class
23. I will not belch the National Anthem
24. I will not sell land in Florida
25. I will not grease the monkey bars
26. I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
27. I will not do anything bad ever again
28. I will not show off {The board was written in an Old English font}

Johnny Learns Politics

Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?” Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you The People. The nanny, will, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we’ll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense.”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand what politics is now.”

“Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are.”

The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”

Job Security Quiz

1. The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you…
A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.
B. Inform him that you’re planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.
C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you’ve finished the level.

2. When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?
A. Stay home and watch ‘I Love Lucy’ reruns.
B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.
C. Go over to your boss’s house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.

3. Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?
A. Listen politely, and then apologize.
B. Blame someone else.
C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you’ve written the word “union.”

4. When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you…
A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.
B. Key it … then tell the CEO’s secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.
C. Key it … then proudly tell the CEO’s secretary that you did it.

5. Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid’s fifth birthday party, what do you do?
A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.
B. Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.
C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.

Mostly A’s: You have nothing to worry about. They’ll never fire you because you’re a doormat.
Mostly B’s: You’re not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you’ll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You’re a real jerk.
Mostly C’s: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he’s terrified of what you might do.

Older Women

She walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post. As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, “hey old woman, have you ever danced?”

The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, “no, I never did dance. Never really wanted to.”

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, “well, you old bag, you’re gonna dance now,” and started shooting at the old woman’s feet.

The old woman prospector — not wanting to get her toe blown off — started hopping around. Everybody was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a 10 gauge double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman’s hands, as she quietly said, “son, have you ever kissed a mule’s ass?”

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “no m’am. But I’ve always wanted to.”

There are a few lessons here for all of us:
1 – Never be arrogant.
2 – Don’t waste ammunition.
3 – Whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are.
4 – Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 – Don’t mess with older women; they didn’t get old by being stupid.

People Proven Spectacularly Wrong

“It’s a total mismatch; I’ll beat up on him real bad”
Muhammad Ali talking about Larry Holmes, 1979. Larry Holmes defeated him

“Can’t sing can’t act can dance a little”
Report on Fred Astair`s first screen test, 1932

“….that scoundrel Brahms, what a gift-less b@stard. It annoys me that this self-inflated mediocrity is hailed as a genius”
Tchaikovsky, speaking about Brahms 1886

“Forget it will yer, no civil war picture ever made a dime, get out of here”
Irving Thalberg, film producer, turning down the contract for Gone With The Wind, 1938

“50,000 bucks for a damn book! We’ll never pay that kinda dough for a damn book”
The Warner Bros partnership, upon being offered Gone With The Wind for production purposes at about the same time, c1938

“Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?”
Movie Mogul H. M. Warner of Warner Bros. 1927

“I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper”
Gary Cooper, on his decision to turn down the leading role in “Gone With The Wind.”

“If any enemy bomber reaches the Ruhr, then you may call me Miere”
Reichsmarshall Hermann Goering to Hitler, 1939
“They did,..Meier”

“This telephone thing has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us”
Western Union internal memo. 1876.

“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?”
David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

“The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn a grade better than ‘ C – ‘, the idea must be feasible.”
A Yale University Management Professor in response to Frederick Smith’s proposal for a reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith Successfully went on to found the Federal Express Corp.)

“Why would anyone would need anymore than 640k of memory?”
Bill Gates, Head of Microsoft 1981

“Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? Ha Ha You’re crazy! Ha Ha.”
Industrial Drillers to Edwin. L. Drake whom he attempted to enlist on his new project to drill for oil. 1859

“Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is just ridiculous fiction”
Pierre Pachet, Top Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, France. 1872

“If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can’t do this”
Spencer Silver discussing his work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M “Post-It” Notepads.

“The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon”.
Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

“Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau”
Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, shortly before The Wall Street Crash where all stock prices fell to there lowest ever. 1929.

“I believe that it is peace in our time”
Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain shortly before the outbreak of World War II

“Everything that can be invented has been invented”
Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, making an adamant statement. 1899.

“Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools”
New York Times editorial report about Robert Goddard’s revolutionary rocket work that later proved to be correct. 1921

“The Titanic is unsinkable, why even God couldn’t sink her”
Petty officer onboard the fated ship shortly before it hit an iceberg and sank. 1912

Police Stop at 2:00 A.M.

Ron Chestna was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

Ron replied, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”

The officer asked, “Really? Who’s giving that lecture at this time of night?”

Ron replied, “That would be my wife.”

Remarks Never Heard At The Daytona 500

– None for me, thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth.
– Tampax! Get your Tampax here!
– Hey, shut up! I can’t hear the race!
– Sex with your sister? Man, that’s sick.
– My God, this is a splendid Merlot.
– Hey, you with the large breasts, out of the way. We’re trying to watch a race here.
– Jeeves, be a good man and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my attach case. Then fetch me some clotted cream for my scone.
– What a coincidence, Hank, all my friends are boycotting Hooters, too.
– These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie concert.
– Good morning, Mr. Trickle. We at ‘Depends’ understand you’re looking for a new corporate sponsor.
– Filling in for Dale ‘The Intimidator’ Earnhardt today is substitute driver, Michael ‘Lord of the Dance’ Flatley.
– And now, singing our national anthem, international recording artist Boy George.

Saving Lives

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

“Why do we have to learn this stuff?” The young man blurted out.

“To save lives,” the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?”

The professor stared at the student for a long time. “Physics saves lives,” he said, “because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.”

What Car Names Really Mean

What does the name of your car really mean? Where did the manufacturers really get their inspiration from?

CAR: Carries Around Readily.
ACURA: Always Catching Up, Rarely Ahead.
AMC: Always Made Cheaply.
AUDI: Always Under Diagnostic Inspection.
BMW: Burn My Wallet. Beautiful Mechanical Wonder.
BUICK: Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer.
CADILLAC: Company Always Denies Its Lawful Liability After Collisions.
CAMARO: Cash Always Miniscule After Retail Overpricing.
CHEVROLET: Can Hear Every Valve Rattle, Oil Leaks Every Time.
CHEVY: Customization Has Every Yearning.
CHRYSLER: Company Has Recommended You Start Learning Engine Repairs.
CORVETTE: Costly Ordinary Repairs Very Expensive Transmissions Tires Etc.
DAEWOO: Dated Asian Engines Work Only Occasionally.
DODGE: Drips Oil Drops Grease Everywhere / Doing Overhauls Daily Gets Expensive
FERRARI: Ferociously Elegant Racer Ravages Roads Intuitively.
FIAT: Found In A Trashcan / Fantastic In A Tight-spot / Finest Italian Automotive Technology
FORD: Found On Rubbish Dump / Fix On Regular Days / From Our Reject Department / Fords Only Roll Downhill.
GM: Great Misery / General Maintenance.
GMC: Gods Mechanical Curse / Garage Mans Companion.
HONDA: Had One Never Did Again / Horribly Overpriced No Dealer Assistance.
HUMMER: Huge Ugly Monster Makes Everyone React.
HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Not Drivable And Incentiveless.
JEEP: Just Eats Every Penny / Just Expect Every Problem.
JAGUAR: Just A Guess Users Are Rich / Jumps Around Grinds Uncontrollably Always Rusting.
KIA: Keep It Away / Keep Inside Asia / Korean Industrial Accident.
LAMBORGHINI: Lucky A Man By Owning Really Gives His Image Nice Incentive.
LINCOLN: Liability In Numerous Claims Of Legal Negligence.
LOTUS: Loads Of Trouble Usually Serious.
MASERATI: Made A Super Expensive Racer A Total Incentive.
MAZDA: Must Always Zoom Dangerously Along.
MERCEDES: Most Expensive Road Car Emits Dense Exhaust Smoke.
MITSUBISHI: Made In Taiwan Sold Under British Influence Shipped Here Incomplete.
NISSAN: Need I Say Something About Nothing.
OLDSMOBILE: Overpriced Leisurely Driven Sedan Makes Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday.
PLYMOUTH: Please Leave Your Mechanics Orders Under the Hood.
PONTIAC: Pathetic Old Nail Thinks Its A Cadillac / Pretty Overpriced Not That I Am Concerned.
PORSCHE: Plenty Of Repairs Sorry Can’t Have Everything / Proof Only Rich Snobs Children Have Everything.
RENAULT: Repeated Engine Noises Annoy Usually Loud Too.
ROLLS: Regal Opulence Likes Luxury Sedans.
ROLLS-ROYCE: Really Outrageous Limousines Lovely Style – Regal Opulence You Can Enjoy.
ROVER: Really Over.
SAAB: Sad Attempt At Beauty / Swedish Autos Always Breakdown.
SUBARU: Supped Up Bad Ass Race Unit.
TOYOTA: The One You Ought To Avoid.
VOLVO: Very Overpriced Lax Vehicle Options.
VW: Very Wonderful / Virtually Worthless / Void Warranty.

The Perfect Dress

Sandra’s wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready and she wasn’t going to allow anything to dampen her excitement, not even her parents’ nasty divorce.

Her mother, Theresa, finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride EVER!

Several days later, Sandra was horrified to discover that her stepmother, Caroline, had purchased the same dress. She asked Caroline to exchange the dress, but Caroline refused. “Absolutely not! Caroline exclaimed. “I’m going to wear this dress and I’m going to look like a million in it!”

Sandra told her mother, who graciously replied, “Never mind, dear, I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s YOUR special day, not hers.”

Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Sandra asked her mother, “Mom, what are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don’t have any place to wear it.”

With a sheepish grin, Theresa replied, “Of course, I do, dear! I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!”

That’s How You Know What The Really Good Books Are