Natural Resource and EPA, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, State of Michigan
Read the whole thing. This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy’s response is hilarious, but read the State’s letter before you get to the response letter.
(This is the State’s Letter!)
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the department’s files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2005.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
David L. Price, District Representative
** Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries: **
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/04 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood “debris” dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.
While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials “debris.” I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.
I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this state to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren’t the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation — so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department’s dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.
If you want the stream “restored” to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers — but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers’ Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2005? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step!
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS
Apologizing To China
This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing on Chinese land.
We’re sorry you don’t train your fighter pilots better. As a token of our apology, here’s a copy of Microsoft Flight Simulator 2000.
We’re also sorry your front-line fighter planes can’t outmaneuver a 35-year old prop-driven airliner. Perhaps you’d like to purchase some surplus 1950′s-era Lockheed Starfighters from Taiwan…since they just replaced all theirs with new F-16′s.
We’re also sorry you believe your territorial waters extend all the way to Australia. For future reference, here’s an American 6th grade geography textbook. (Please note the Copyright information printed inside the cover.)
In addition, we’re sorry you can’t seem to see your part of this incident. We know it seems easier to blame others than to take responsibility. Consider this while we build several new Aegis destroyers for our friends in Taiwan.
Finally, we’re sorry we granted you Most-Favored-Nation trading status. This will be rectified at the soonest possible opportunity. Along those lines, we’re especially sorry we treated you with such respect for the last 20 years. We’ll definitely rethink this policy, and will probably go back to treating you like a street gang very soon.
The People of the United States of America
I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of “Kotex Tips for Life” on it. Annoying advice such as:
- Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
Obviously the person behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning pair of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman TO HER FACE that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. See what happens and report back. I’ll wait here.
While you’re at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I guaran-damn-tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.
Look, females don’t need or want tips for living on feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing “helpful” crap like that from their elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, most containing alcohol.
Printing out shit advice while sneaking in ads for the brand THAT WAS ALREADY PURCHASED is just plain annoying, not to mention rude and enough to send a girl running to the Always brand.
Mostly we’d like to forget that we even need these products. It’s not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging.
There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the damn store. The ultimate goal of your product should be functional invisibility at every stage, including the point of purchase.
So take your tips for living and shove them right up your ass.
(Try drinking six to eight glasses of water to make you feel fresher while you’re doing it!)
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I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I’ve used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my sixties I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new pretty white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with the old geezer’s blood on my new pretty white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go, have to take my meds and write to the Hefty bag people.
A Grateful Customer
Why Can't I Own A Canadian?
In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.
The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, written by a US man, and posted on the Internet. It’s funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination … End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual un-cleanliness – Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors.
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them (Lev.24:10-16)? Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I’m confident you can help.
Your adoring fan.
James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia
PS (It would be a damn shame if we couldn’t own a Canadian)
A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, “Dad”
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbor’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card…… it’s in my desk center drawer.
I love you!
Dear John Letter
While serving overseas far from home, a soldier was quite annoyed and upset when he received a letter from his girl breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went to each and every one of his friends and collected all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them to his girl with a note saying: “I’m sorry, but I can’t recall which one you are. Please keep your photograph and return the others.”
He also sent it postage due.
A Letter From Barbie
Chief Executive Officer Mattel, Inc. El Segundo, CA
Listen you little troll, I’ve been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya, but IT’S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this year, or I’m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won’t wanna be around to smell it).
So, here’s my resolution/wish list:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I’m sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man…maybe GI Joe. Hell, I’d take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken. And what’s with that earring anyway? If I’m gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don’t care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don’t cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!
8. A new, more modern persona. Maybe “PMS Barbie”, complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; “Animal Rights Barbie”, with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or “Stop Smoking Barbie”, sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It’s been 37 years–I think I deserve it.
Ok, Mr CEO, that’s it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don’t think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It’s that simple.
Barbie Dreamhouse Malibu, CA
A Letter To The Secretary of Agriculture
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the “not raising hogs” business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven’t raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 for each hog in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 each for not raising hogs.
If I get $50,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $100,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $4,000,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Also, I am considering the “not milking cows” business, so send me any information you have on that too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
John Q. Farmer
A Message From The Queen Of England
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
In light of your recent failures as the worlds only superpower, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Both houses of Congress will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour,’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up ‘vocabulary’).
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of ‘-ize.’
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4.You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humor.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catchup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in ‘Four Weddings and a Funeral’ was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armor like a bunch of nancy boys).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
If Thomas Jefferson Had Worked In Corporate America
10 October 1776
Mr. Thomas Jefferson
Dear Mr. Jefferson:
1. In the same paragraph you refer to the “opinions of mankind.” Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the “opinions of mankind” are a matter of opinion.
Management Analyst to the British Crown
The Bricklayer's Accident Report...
The next time you’re having a bad day, just think — you’re lucky you’re not this guy!
This is a bricklayer’s accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation Board.
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation, and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
The Tooth Fairy
Thank you for leaving [ ] tooth/teeth under your pillow last night.
While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children’s teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:
( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails
( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for appropriate action
( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy
( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit
( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit
( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
( ) other reason
Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future.
The Tooth Fairy
The Reality Of The Twelve Days of Christmas
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Gloria.
Today, the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves… I’m absolutely delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Gloria
Well, aren’t you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity. Three french hens they are simply darling, but I must insist… you’re just too kind.
Today, the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough? You’re being too romantic.
What a surprise! Today, the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Gloria
When I opened the door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So, you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
What is with you and those fuck!ng birds??? Seven swans a-swimming? What kind of a damn joke is this? There’s bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. I’m a nervous wreck and I can’t sleep at all at night. IT’S NOT FUNNY!… So stop with those fuck!ng birds.
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and eights maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own god dam cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can’t move into my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS!
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers playing. And Christ, do they play. They haven’t stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech! What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You’ll get yours.
You Rotten Prick:
Now there’s ten ladies dancing – I don’t know why I call those sluts ladies. They’ve been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned. I’m sicking the police on you.
One who means it, Gloria
What’s with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned “ladies”? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the @rgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Gloria Mulligan
December 25th – From the law offices of Taeker, Spredar and Baegar
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Gloria Mulligan. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. Should you attempt to reach Miss Mulligan at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cheap And Simple Ways To Ward Off Burglars
The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations.
Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!
Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. – Any sign of that book we sent for, “The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats”?
Selma, don’t come in! The boa constrictor got loose again…
Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!
To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck…
Memo To All EMS Personnel
To: All EMS Personnel From: Chief of Operations
Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions
It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.
1) Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).
2) Stroke patients are NOT “Charlie Carrots.” Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
3) Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to shit), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or “hamburger helper.” Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like “negative vehicle to vehicle interface” or “terminal deceleration syndrome.”
4) HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not “glow worms.”
5) Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered “pharmaceutically gifted.”
6) Gunshot wounds to the head are not “trans-occipital implants.”
7) The homeless are not “urban outdoorsmen,” nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a “PVC Challenge.”
8) And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being “paws up,” ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).
I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.
If you plan to attend Sharon’s luncheon, please let me know your selection by Tuesday, June 7 ($10/person). The choices are:
• Broiled Sole Fillets: lightly seasoned or stuffed and served with rice pilaf
Thank you for arranging this luncheon for Sharon. I’m having difficulty deciding what to order, but I have several points to be addressed first:
What about us carnivores? I want meat!!! Red, raw meat and lots of it. I want them to lead it in on a rope and I want it to “moo” when I bite into it. I don’t want anybody I know to see me eating “rice pilaf” or “chicken Fresco”.
In fact, I don’t want anybody who knows anybody I know to see me eating anything with stupid names like that. I want a dignified American meal of steak and potatoes, served with flagons of blood-red wine.
I want Hungarian red wine, with a picture of a fierce bull on the label. I want to think about Eastern Europeans making this wine, for slave wages. I want the whole bottle. I want several. I want it served on a white tablecloth and I want the tablecloths to be so soiled when we’re done that it can’t even be used for rags.
I want a meal to remember, in the midst of drunken, bawdy company. I want to tell off-color jokes and I want everyone to laugh until they cry. I want to read the poem that I wrote especially for this occasion.
I want the women to discover that the man they’ve smiled and mumbled at, as they passed him in the halls for years, is an accomplished acrobat and an expert tennis player. Let them find out he really doesn’t have to work at all, being a millionaire. And that he dreams about them every night.
I want the personnel office to be inundated with hundreds of sexual harassment complaints filed equally by both men and women.
I want some careers launched and others destroyed. I want hearts won and hearts broken. I want the vice president to finally discover that no one really gives a damn what he thinks on any subject.
I want dozens of people to fail to return to work for several days afterward. I want to see at least a dozen disciplinary memos sent down from the vice president’s office in the wake of all this. I want 5 day suspensions without pay falling down from the administrator’s office like rain.
I want the restaurant to refuse to serve anyone from the company for the next two years.
I want public outrage. I want the police department to promise a full and thorough investigation. I want lots of arrests, and dozens of civil suits.
I want this luncheon to divide time into a before and an after from that day onward. We will all mark time and events from this date from now on. For example: “I got my divorce a month after Sharon’s luncheon.”
I want everyone so plastered they cannot tell the difference between fantasy and reality.
Despite her acute embarrassment at all this, I want Sharon to change her mind and not get married after all.
All of that is what I really want. And…I just know you’re going to tell me I can’t have any of it. (SIGH)
So…I guess I’ll get back to ya with my food order in a bit.
From Sarah Palin's Editor At Harper Collins:
Thank you for turning in the manuscript so quickly. I thought only Stephen King could crank out 400 pages in four months! Seriously, there’s some terrific material here, and all of us at HarperCollins are thrilled to be publishing your life story.
Before we move ahead, the fact-checking department has asked me to pass along a few notes and comments that may require some revisions on your part.
1. Eric Clapton spells his last name with a C. More significantly, his publicists tell us that you were not the inspiration for “Layla,” and that he doesn’t recall ever having an affair with you. Is it possible you’ve got him confused with another rock star?
2. The mainland of Russia is indeed visible from parts of western Alaska during favorable weather conditions in the Bering Strait. Considering the ridicule you endured over this issue during the campaign, your desire to set the record straight is understandable. Still, 78 pages is a big chunk of the book. Perhaps it’s possible to deal with the I-can-see-Russia controversy a bit more succinctly.
3. Our researchers can find no evidence that Tina Fey belongs to the Taliban. Could you send us the sourcing for that reference?
4. John McCain’s campaign staff is vehemently denying the incident you describe in Chapter 13. Perhaps you could provide our legal department with the names of persons who actually witnessed the senator placing the duct tape over your mouth.
5. Even though you quit with 18 months remaining in your term, your achievements as Alaska’s governor will be of great interest to your readers and political supporters. How about expanding that section of the book to a full chapter?
6. On page 107 of the manuscript, you describe a frisky interlude with Todd as taking place on a John Deere Cyclone 340 snowmobile. However, that particular model has been out of production for several years. Is it possible that you two were cavorting on a Sprintfire?
7. Our researchers can find no evidence that Katie Couric is secretly financing the Sunni insurgency in Iraq . Could you send us the sourcing for that reference?
8. Although the passage about moose-shooting from helicopters is certainly provocative, perhaps it could be re-polished to focus more on your cooking recipes – which look very yummy, by the way — than on the preferred field techniques for skinning and gutting.
9. Our copy editors are still struggling to sort out the many colorful characters in your manuscript. In one chapter the children are called Bristol , Piper, Track, Willow and Trig, yet only 44 pages later they appear as Caribou, Cessna, Herring, Juniper and Scrod. Maybe you could check with Todd and get back to us on that.
10. “Mexican” is not a language (see manuscript page 188).
11. Our researchers cannot verify that David Letterman is “heavily involved” in the opium trade in eastern Afghanistan. Could you provide the sourcing for that reference?
12. The details of your high-school basketball career are inspirational, but would it be possible to condense that section from three chapters to one? Just a thought.
13. John McCain’s office says that it was the senator, not you, who came up with the “two mavericks” campaign theme. He claims you originally proposed a slogan saying, “One Creaky Elder Statesman, One Hot Young Maverick — but don’t worry, folks, she knows CPR!”
14. Tony Blair was the prime minister of Great Britain. Tony Orlando is an American pop singer (see manuscript page 341). Our legal department has suggested removing any mention of this young man (including those beer-pong photos) from the manuscript. What do you say?
Finally, on a personal note, I’m sorry you’re having so much difficulty reaching the ghostwriter we assigned to this project. After your first meeting, she left me a rather frazzled message saying she “needed to take a break and do some soul searching.” We’ve tracked her to a sweat lodge down in Taos, New Mexico, and I’m pretty confident she’ll be back on the “Going Rogue” Express in no time.
Meanwhile, keep up the great writing, Sarah. We can’t wait to read the finished book!
Pet Lovers' Manifesto
Dear Dogs and Cats,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.
Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, and then go smell the other dogs’ butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door…
An Actual Letter To The Passport Office
I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and I still cannot believe this? How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a television cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver’s license, on the last eight goddamn passports I’ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Maryanne, my father’s name is Robert and I’d be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!
Shit!? I apologize; I’m really pissed off this morning. Between you and me, I’ve had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fucking address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal assholes working there!? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don’t want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach? And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, ’cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??? Nooooo, that’d be too damn easy and maybe makes sense. You’d rather have us running all over the f@#$in’ place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it’s really me on the goddamn picture – you know, the one where we’re not allowed to smile?! (f@#$n’ morons). Not to mention the fact that I had to pay $3.89 for a gallon of gas to get there, and it was 31 miles from my house. For the round trip it cost me another additional $13.39 just for gas!
Hey, you know why we can’t smile? We’re totally pissed off!?
Signed, an irate fucking citizen.
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it’s me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang? However, I have to get someone ‘important’ to verify who I am – you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST fucking CHINA!
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year?
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman) ‘YA JUST GOTTA LOVE ‘ THEM SENIORS!!!!!
Letter To The Public From Your Local Police Department
Your 5 year old kid getting pushed down by another 5 year old kid is NOT a police matter; talk to the other kid’s parents, not the police.
If a cop causes a car accident we usually get a ticket, and sometimes we get suspended. When is the last time you got 3 days off (without pay) for rear-ending a guy at Wal-Mart?
We know you’ve had more than two beers. When I’ve had two beers, I didn’t hit six parked cars, drive my car through the front doors of a Toys-R-Us, pee my pants or pass out at a traffic light.
When you see an emergency vehicle behind you with its lights and sirens on, pull to the RIGHT, and stop. We are usually required to pass cars on the left.
When you’re driving in the fast lane and you see a cop behind you, don’t go 5 MPH under the speed limit. We are not impressed by how safe of a driver you can be, we’re trying to go help someone (or catch that guy in SUV that just cut you off). Safely move over and let us pass please.
If we park our cruiser across the road with lights flashing, don’t ask if the road is closed or if there is an accident, just take an alternate route and DON’T DRIVE AROUND US!
If you get a warning instead of a ticket from a cop, go buy a lottery ticket, because you’ve already beaten the odds.
When you see an officer conducting a traffic stop, or with a suspect in handcuffs, it is generally not a good idea to approach him and ask for directions. If you do, don’t expect the officer to be nice when he tells you to get lost, and don’t expect the officer to take the time to explain.
Here’s how to get out of a ticket. Don’t break the law.
If you drive a piece of crap, that is why you’re getting pulled over.
In one week I pulled over 10 cars for minor traffic violations. 5 out of 10 had no vehicle insurance. 3 out of 10 had suspended driver’s licenses. 2 out of 10 had warrants. 1 out of 10 had felony warrants. 1 was a known sex offender with his 12 year old niece in the car without her mother’s knowledge.
If you’ve just been pulled over doing 70 in a 35, do not greet the officer with, “What seems to be the problem, officer?”
We get coffee breaks too.
When you’re the victim of a burglary, take the time you spend waiting for the officer to find the model number and the serial number of the stuff that was taken.
Some cops are just jerks, but take heart in the fact that other cops don’t like them either.
If it’s night time, and you’re driving a vehicle with tinted windows and I pull you over, it’s not because of your skin color. I usually can’t tell if the vehicle even has a driver until the window is rolled down.
Every time you hear on the news about people running away from a crazed gunman, someone’s son or daughter in a police uniform is running TOWARD that crazed gunman.
Yes, it’s true, cops usually don’t give other cops tickets. Think of it as an employee discount, perk or benefit. Other cops are family and you wouldn’t give your brother a ticket if you were a cop either.
If your local police agency has a helicopter, everyone knows it’s loud and annoying, but did you know it can cover the same area as 20 patrol officers and safely chase criminals that are driving 90 MPH through city streets? Many times the guy has no idea it’s there and slows down.
Police work is… Writing reports.
If you rob a gas station you’re only going to get about $100, but I get to see a K9 dog use your arm as a chew toy. For all I care you can keep the $100.
In one year of patrol work in a large city, only about ten minutes would be cool enough to be on the television show Cops.
Every traffic stop could end in gunfire, but we have to be polite and professional until that time.
I’ve taken about the same amount of men and women to jail for domestic violence, so NO, it’s not always the man.
If the light was yellow, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.
Cops know you pay taxes and that your taxes pay cops’ salaries. Cops also pay taxes, which also pay cops’ salaries so, hey… this traffic stop is on me. Now sign here; press hard. There are several copies.
Police Officers… Our job is to protect your butt, not kiss it!
The Day The Penis Asked For A Raise
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely, P. Niss
Alerts To Threats In Europe
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”
The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.”
The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.”
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.”
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.”
British writer, actor and tall person
And as a final thought – Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray.
Letters From Camp
Kids at camp write home not thinking of the impact of their words:
Dear Mom and Dad,
Another child away from home wrote that they had been taking some rather long hikes.
Dear Mom and Dad,
A rather short note not saying much was received by two parents:
A fishing novice reported that he had caught a catfish over a foot long and hid it in his bunk, but it was beginning to smell.
Dear Mom & Dad,
An Honest Bar Mitzva Invitation
It is with great stress, emotional and physical fatigue and incredible financial sacrifice beyond comprehension, that we invite you to join us as our wonderful son Jacob Adam is called to the Torah as a Bar Mitzvah on Saturday, May 12th – (Yes, we realize it is Mother’s Day Weekend) at
at the ungodly hour of 9:00 am even though you don’t really need to be there until 10:20am to catch the real action.
If you make it through the three hour service, please skip the kiddush (it¹s just cookies and cake) and join us instead for an overly ostentatious Kosher (my husband’s idea) evening meal, which starts at 7:00 PM (not 8:00 PM or you will miss out on the 2000 canapés) at
Birchwood Country Club
You will be in the presence of lots of boisterous and expensive entertainment and 60 to 70 unruly pre-teens wearing expensive dresses, funny hats, fake bling and brand new white ankle socks as well as 80-100 middle aged+ adults, some balding, some with bad toupees, most professionally coiffed, designer attired galore with lots of REAL bling and most “tootsed” to the nines. At least one third will be hormonally challenged and some will act stupid while under the influence. Some will not even know where or who they are. Some will complain about the food. Blah Blah Blah.
Please have the courtesy of showing up if you have RSVP¹d that you are attending or you will be billed $210.00 a plate if you are a no-show.
The gift of choice is either green, or contains a routing and account number. “Off the top of your head” gifts and Gift Cards are a waste of your time and ours.
Hope you can make it!
Dress: Black Tie Optional
To My Darling Husband,
I am sending you this letter via this email communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives FIVE YEARS AGO.
The children are doing well. Billy is ten now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.
Little Jennifer turned six in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.
I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson the department head, has uh, taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.
I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn’t mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I’m sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn’t be disturbed.
Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George, uh, Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she’ll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Billy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.
Happy Valentines Day!
A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500.
He spends the night with her but before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment: ‘RENT FOR APARTMENT.’
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
1) it had never been occupied;
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t any heat, and that it was entirely too large
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.
Dear Abby admitted that she was at a loss to answer the following:
Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby, I have a man I can’t trust. He cheats so much, I’m not even sure the baby I’m carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby, I’ve suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn’t know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
Remember, these people can vote!!
After many unhappy replies from our current vending service we decided that what they really needed was a different form letter that was more closely tied to their true feeling:
Dear Vending Service
Thank you for your inquiry/comments/complaints about our vending service.
We are aware that _____________ machine has not been stocked in _____ days.
We are aware that the price for _______ seems high at $_______ but,
We are aware that…
We understand that…
…and believe that…
Thank you and Happy Eating.
College Entrance Essay
This is an actual essay written by a college applicant when applying to NYU. The author of this essay now attends NYU.
IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:
Q. ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
Answer: I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty – Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes.
Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
Bad Day At Work
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is, take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, “I love my job, I love my job, I love my job”.
Old Man’s Garden
An old Italian man lived alone in the country.
He wanted to dig his tomato garden,
but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
At 4 a.m. the next morning,
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Letter To The World
We, the United States of America, your top quality supplier of the ideals of liberty and democracy, would like to apologize for our 2001-2008 interruption in service. The technical fault that led to this eight-year service outage has been located, and the software responsible was replaced on November 4, 2008. Early tests of the newly installed program indicate that we are now operating correctly, and we expect to be fully functional on January 20, 2009. We apologize for any inconvenience caused by the outage. We look forward to resuming full service and hope to improve in years to come. We thank you for your patience and understanding.
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
We thought this standardized form would help simplify the dating process and make it more business-like…
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as “The Perfect Guy [ ] Girl [ ]“. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.
I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
(Check those that apply)
___Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___Your first name is objectionable. It’s just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
___The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
___Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms by the truckload” indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can’t GET into my pants.
___You’re too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
___You’re too tall. I’m developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.
___You have a hairy back.
___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.
___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.
___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
___Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
So I’m at work yesterday and the mail clerk starts handing out letters from upper management. At this point, I’m thinking “Oh crap, how am I gonna tell my family I got laid off?” Fortunately, I’m only 29 years old. You’ll understand when you read the letter.
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Manager. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can get.
Great, as if I didn’t get enough shit already….
Dear Internal Revenue Service,
Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.
I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.
Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the “Presidential Election Fund,” as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5 ” Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5″ Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
A Satisfied Taxpayer
There recently was an article in the St. Petersburg Fl. Times. The Business Section asked readers for ideas on: “How Would You Fix the Economy?”
I think this guy nailed it!
Dear Mr. President,
Please find below my suggestion for fixing America’s economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the “Patriotic Retirement Plan”:
There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings – Unemployment fixed.
2) They MUST buy a new American CAR. Forty million cars ordered – Auto Industry fixed.
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage – Housing Crisis fixed.
It can’t get any easier than that!!
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members in Congress pay their taxes…
Mr. President, while you’re at it, make Congress retire on Social Security and Medicare. I’ll bet both programs would be fixed pronto!
Dear Mom and Dad,
Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Chad’s mother and tell her he is OK. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up?
The wet wood didn’t burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes. David is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance. We think it’s a neat car. He doesn’t care if we get it dirty and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders.
It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He lets us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake.
It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Walt isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.
Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I’m so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.
By the way, what is a pedophile?
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy Vaseline. Don’t worry about anything. We are fine.
Customer Service Card On Your Recent Purchase Of A Government Official
Dear Special Interest,
Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine American Government Official[tm]. With regular maintenance your American Government Official[tm] should provide you with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential legislation and other fine services. Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out this customer service card. This information will not be sold to any other party, and will be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling your future needs in political influence.
1. Which of our fine products did you buy?
2. How did you hear about your American Government Official[tm]? Please check all that apply.
__ TV ad
3. How do you expect to use your American Government Official[tm]? (Please check all that apply.)
__ Obtain lucrative government contracts.
4. What factors influenced your purchase? (Please check all that apply.)
__ Performance of currently owned model
5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned American Government Official[tm]? ______
If you answered “yes,” please indicate your reason(s) for changing models.
__ Excessive operating / maintenance costs
Thank you for your valuable time.
Always remember: in choosing a American Government Official[tm] you have chosen the best politician that money can buy!
Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns
Dear Frank, I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won’t go to counseling and I’m afraid I can’t get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as SLAP (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be called SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).
We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us!
Reply To A Rejection Letter
Dear [Interviewer's Name]:
Thank you for your letter of June 4. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite [Company Name]‘s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
How Santa Wishes He Could Answer Letters
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
Software Upgrades Can Damage Your Wealth
Last year a friend of mine upgraded Girlfriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it’s a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources.
No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have since informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity.
He’s finding that some applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Beer Bash 2.5, and Pub Night 7.0 are no longer able to run, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 automatically installs undesired Plug-Ins such as Mother-In-law 55.8 and Brother-in-law Beta release. As a consequence, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features he’d like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0:-
1) A “Don’t remind me again” button.
2) Minimize button.
3) An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
Some people have decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 6.0. Even here, however, they found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 6.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which they should have been aware of. Apparently all versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port.
You would think they should have fixed such a stupid bug by now.
To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn’t work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.
Another annoying problem:
All versions of Girlfriend continually pop up annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0 – Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before executing a self-unin-stallation. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient system resources.
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.
PS: Most women prefer men with a large RAM and CACHE availability.
Grade Change Form
My grade in ____ should be raised from _____ to ____ because:
1. There must be a mistake somewhere.
Through His Computer Out The Window Already!
To my darling Husband,
I am sending you this e-mail from a bogus software company address so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives two years ago.
The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good but yours was excellent! The chair and the back of your head are very realistic. You would be very proud of him.
Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with her on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.
I am also doing well. I went blond about a year ago and was delighted to discover that it really is more fun! Lars, I mean Mr. Swenson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.
I have discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you don’t mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last Spring. I’m not sure if you noticed it. I made sure the painters cut air holes in the drop cloth so you wouldn’t be disturbed.
Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle Lars, Mr. Swenson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there will be packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away. She’ll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup, and bring meals to your desk, – just the way you like it. I hope you and the PC have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jen and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.
How To Bathe A Cat
(Note: Jeffery LaCroix is a veterinarian with an office in Wilmington. He writes a column for the Morning Star called “From Paws to Tails.” Here is his response to a letter regarding bathing a cat:)
Dear Dr. LaCroix: I’ve heard that cats never have to be bathed, and that they have some sort of special enzyme in their saliva that keeps them clean. This doesn’t sound believable to me because there are definite “kitty” odors on my couch and dirty cat paw prints on our white hearth. Is this true about the saliva? If we do decide to give “Nice Kitty” a bath, how do we do that? – NSP, Wilmington
Dear NSP: Fortunately for you, several years ago a client gave me a written set of instructions about cat bathing which I am privileged to share with you:
Cat Bathing As A Martial Art
Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don’t try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
B. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself.
I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
C. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)
D. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo.
You have just begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
E. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He’ll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don’t expect too much.)
F. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That’s because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psycho-ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn’t usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better.
Take This Job And Shove It
This is a letter, reportedly dictated to a letter-writer in 1865 by one Jordan Anderson, former slave and then-current stableman, to former slave owner P.H. Anderson of Wilson County, Tenn.
The letter appeared in the Aug. 22, 1865 issue of the New York Daily Tribune, apparently in response to letter P.H. Anderson sent Jordan Anderson, suggesting that Jordan and his family ought to come back and work on the old plantation.
Dear Mr. Anderson,
I got your letter, and was glad to find that you had not forgotten Jordan, and that you wanted me to come back and live with you again, promising to do better for me than any body else can. I have often felt uneasy about you. I thought the Yankees would have hung you before this, for harboring Rebs they found at your house. I suppose they never heard about your going to Colonel Martin’s to kill the Union soldier that was left by his company in their stable.
As to my freedom, which you say I can have, there is nothing to be gained on that score, as I got my free papers in 1864 from the Provost Marshall-General of the Department of Nashville. Mandy says she would be afraid to go back without some proof that you were disposed to treat us justly and kindly; and we have concluded to test your sincerity by asking you to send us our wages for the time we served you. This will make us forget and forgive old scores, and rely on your justice and friendship in the future. I served you faithfully for 32 years, and Mandy 20 years. At 25 dollars a month for me, and 2 dollars a week for Mandy, our earnings would amount to $11,608. Please send the money by Adam’s Express, in care of V. Winters Esq., Dayton, Ohio.
Say howdy to George Carter, and thank him for taking the pistol from you when you were shooting at me.
If Architects Had To Work Like Programmers
Dear Mr. Architect,
Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion.
My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one.
Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don’t have nearly enough insulation in them).
As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared to explain your decision in detail.)
Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that kitchen should be designed to accommodate, among other things, my 1952 Gibson refrigerator.
To insure that you are building the correct house for our entire family, make that you contact each of our children, and also our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all of these options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any choices that you make.
Please don’t bother me with small details right now. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house: get the big picture. At this time, for example, it is not appropriate to be choosing the color of the carpet. However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue.
Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be under roof within 48 hours.
While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the population in my area that they like the features this house has.
I advise you to run up and look at my neighbor’s house he constructed last year. We like it a great deal. It has many features that we would also like in our new home, particularly the 75-foot swimming pool. With careful engineering, I believe that you can design this into our new house without impacting the final cost.
Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes.
You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can’t happen very often. Contact me as soon as possible with your complete ideas and plans.
PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I’ve given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can’t handle this responsibility, I will have to find another architect.
PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. Please advise me as soon as possible if this is the case.
Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better. This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS the midst of 1995s weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions and credits. The letter speaks for itself.
I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are evil and expensive. It’s only fair that, since they are minors and no longer my responsibility, the government should know something about them and what to expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next year and reinstate the deduction. They are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people’s questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it’s wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn’t run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I’ve had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP’ing houses. In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what’s the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You’ll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I’ll take care of filing your phone number with the vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatable’s, vehicles, or telephones. (They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic one year. I’m sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim’s. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. “Hooked On Phonics” is expensive, so the schools dropped it. But here’s the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying me! It’s quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two). She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her “r’s”. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of “nests” in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest two, I will still go bankrupt with Kristen’s college, but then I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won’t feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.
(Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.)
How To Clean Your Mouse
This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious, but the engineers rolled on the floor:
“Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
“Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
“Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.”
Notes To An Ill Wife
(Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by a well meaning husband who has inherited the house and kids.)
Monday A.M. Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger-sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside.
Tuesday A.M. Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late. I’m doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.
Wednesday A.M. Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot for Chris’s missing shoes? We’ve checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There’s some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.
Thursday A.M. Doris: Don’t panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9 P.M. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to following:
Friday A.M. Hey: Don’t drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house cleaned and the dinner on time.
I called your mother.
Letter of Recommendation
Mr. ____ has asked me to write a letter of recommendation for him. I cannot do so with enough enthusiasm. I can truly say that if you get Mr. ____ to work for you, you will be quite lucky.
The maxim of American work force is “work smarter, not harder.” No one exceeds Mr. ____ in his mastery of the latter half of that maxim, and as for the former, there is no one for whom improvement is more inevitable.
If you are looking for a creative problem solver, then you can stop your search with Mr. ____. When others would be content to do the job the hard way, Mr. ____ continues to ponder the problem, long after others would have completed the task. And his proposed solutions are inevitably something that no one else would ever come up with.
With personable employees, I am sure you might be afraid that they would spend a great deal of time chatting with his co-workers at the water cooler. Rest assured, when the candidate is at the water cooler, of the lunch room, or wherever people gather to gossip, no one will be with him. In fact, his mere presence will frequently inspire them to return to their workplaces.
Mr. ____ is certain to come to the attention of his superiors. I have no question that the person responsible for hiring Mr. ____ will be singled out for special attention as well, and can look forward to a significant change in responsibilities as a reward for their unique vision in hiring this man.
Writing Home Made Easy For College Students
Dear Parent(s), Date:
I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of interest to both of us.
Please send me:
My Professors are:
On my last visit home, I left:
Letter to Redneck Son
I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read fast.
We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.
I won’t be able to send you the address because the last Gander family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.
This place is really nice.
The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit, she put a third one in because she heard you have grown another foot since she last saw you.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet, so I don’t know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.
There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
As soon as I entered the office this morning, I sensed a general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a ‘son of a bitch’ to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office New Year’s party.
The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and since this is my last day, I have chosen this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.
First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am deeply sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I’m very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours, too. About the water cooler incident, you’ll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn’t hurt your head when they were trying to remove the glass jug.
To Martha, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did, until the banister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.
Dan, you old goat, you’ve just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were off balance, I never would have done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn’t been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling four stories.
John, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. Of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a big deal about it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure, don’t they? And the water is so cold!!
Glen, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Kathy quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the sink when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We’ll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.
Diane, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room is that I was drunk. I also want you to know that I was very embarrassed when I couldn’t remember where I hid them, and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.
To each and every one of you, I am sorry. Setting Lucy’s panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it saddens me to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it.
Urinating in everyone’s drink was in bad taste, and not telling anyone about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.
Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my very best to come to the picnic……
This Breakup Letter Is Seriously Epic
“Don’t worry, darling. My anger won’t last long. I know your life is already your punishment. A 40-year-old man of mediocre accomplishment who’s incapable of true intimacy, who casually lies and cheats, who’s being sued by his own aunt, who hardly has the love of his own family, who has few friends and no community to speak of, who’s been living in his musty, forgotten childhood home in suburban New Jersey for almost a year, alone, at 40, who isn’t even close to his ultimate dream of a book deal, who is frail, insecure, pathetic, tortured, has no moral fiber, who’s dissatisfied with his career and is constantly traveling to corporate wastelands.
And then a woman comes along and tries to love him, encourage his dreams, invite him to be her “other whole,” and he repays her kindness with lies, secrecy, a handful of sh*tty chocolates he probably picked up at the airport on his way home from France, an unceremonious breakup based on his own inability to get close to someone who has her sh*t together and with whom he could have a real partnership, and tops it off by having an affair with his ex the entire time — at an apartment just ten blocks away from his girlfriend’s. And projects onto his girlfriend that she was the untrustworthy one. And tells her the breakup was about “something I just can’t put my finger on.”
This is who you are: an aging, sad, sneaky, devious man who travels from one hotel to another, putting on a face for strangers, living out of a suitcase, having no real home and no connections, lying to others, lying to himself. So I don’t have to humiliate you. Your entire life is one big humiliation. And no matter how much you meditate, do yoga and undergo therapy, this will never change. This is who you are.”