I Love My Job!
I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest
I love my office and its location, I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and grey, and piles of paper that grow each day!
I think my job is really swell, there’s nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers, I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers.
I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it won’t care. I love each program and every file.
I’d love them more if they worked a while.
I’m happy to be here. I am. I am.
I’m the happiest slave of the Firm, I am.
I love this work, I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job – I’ll say it again – I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who’ve come today,
In clean white coats to take me away!!!!!
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These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations…
• “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
• “His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity”
• “I would not allow this employee to breed”
• “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be”
• “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap”
“When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet”
• “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle”
• “This young lady has delusions of adequacy”
• “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them”
• “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot”
• “This employee should go far, and the sooner the better”
• “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together”
• “A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus”
• “He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless”
• “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier”
• “I would like to go hunting with him sometime”
• “He’s been working with glue too much”
• “He would argue with a signpost”
• “He has knack for making strangers immediately”
• “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room”
• “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell”
• “If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one”
• “A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens”
• “A prime candidate for natural de-selection”
• “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it”
• “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming”
• “Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it”
• “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week”
• “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change”
• “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean”
• “It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm”
• “One neuron short of a synapse”
• “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled”
• “Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes”
• “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead”
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Job Interview In Texas
A man seeking to join an East Texas Sheriff’s Department is being interviewed.
The Sergeant doing the interview says:
“Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted.”
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
“Why the rabbit?”
“Great attitude,” says the Sergeant. “When can you start?”
How To Know You Forgot Secretaries' Day
• Phone messages are delivered on the end of a spear
• Your file cabinet’s top drawer is full of half-empty whiskey bottles
• Purchasing wants to know why you need a waterbed for your office
• The FBI is checking your computer
• Your company car is now a Gremlin
• Your important dictation is somehow typed as “blah… blah… blah…”
• An “I am a slave-driving cheapskate” sign appears on your office door
• You receive an FTD “Up Yours” flower arrangement
• Your job suddenly appears on the vacancy listing
• You hear her answer the phone, “Smith, Jones and Tight-ass”
• A suggestion you don’t recall submitting for a “siesta hour” is rejected
• Oprah invites you to appear on her “I’m A Self-Centered Pig” episode
• Newly-printed org chart lists your position as “Head Up His Ass”
• Your computer’s mouse has been replaced by a shock device
• Expense report you don’t recall submitting comes back with denied charges for “beer & hookers”
• Upon arriving home, your wife wants to know why your secretary hasn’t seen you for 3 days
• You notice an announcement for your upcoming retirement party on the bulletin board
• A copy of the bestseller “So, Your Head’s Up Your Ass, Now What?” suddenly appears on your desk
• In the elevator, the CEO says, “I hope you’ll have time to meet me tomorrow after your golf game”
• Accounting is demanding to know why you have a $1,110 phone bill on your private line for the month
• The cold coffee’s not that bad, but the staples at the bottom of the cup are rather bothersome
• Your parking spot has been relocated next to the hazardous waste disposal area
• Your big business dinner with out-of-town clients is scheduled for Billy Bob’s 24-Hour Truck Stop
• You notice seven pieces of mail in the “out box” with “addressee unknown” stamped on them
• Your NY-to-Miami trip involves six plane changes and a 12-hour layover in Guam
• Three guys slap you on the back and congratulate you on your affair with the boss’ trophy wife
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Fry's Electronics Employment Application
We understand that Fry’s is hiring. In an attempt to breed goodwill toward our perspective associate we have taken the time to redo their employment application to help improve the quality of their applicants.
Please apply early and often!
First Name: ______________ Last Name: ________________
Address: __YMCA __Halfway house __A cardboard box behind our dumpsters __Parents basement
Education: __Some grammar school __8th Grade __Some High School __Um…”self-taught” __Watch a lot of T.V.
Position: __Surly Service Associate __Lazy Floor Supervisor __Door Nazi __The guy who gets RAM out of that case locked with Kryptonite bolts (just in case Superman comes in)
You are at a register and the customer’s total is $6.31. The customer hands you a $10.00 bill. You should…
A customer picks up a can of soda but decides he doesn’t want it while at the register. You…
Computer or software sales:
You pick up the ringing phone, expecting to hear your girlfriend and/or mother. A customer asks if you have Photoshop 3.05 for Windows in stock. You…
You’re working the AV room today. Customers come in to see the Home Theater equipment. You…
Have you been involved in retailing in the USSR, North Korea, Thailand, or any of the former Soviet satellites? __Yes __No
Expected salary: __$4.85/hr __$5.00/hr __$5.15/hr __$6.00/hr* Your Masters is in________
Previous Employment: __Circuit City __Lozanzo’s Car Wash (started as wiper, promoted to wiper)
For how long?: __A paycheck __A couple of weeks __Until the Federales caught up with me __They think I’m in the stock room right now
Thanks for applying to Fry’s Electronics. We’re certain you’ll be robbing us blind in no time!
Excuses For Skipping Out Of Work Early
1. My kids are locked outside.
2. My kids are locked inside.
3. My kids are stuck in the door.
4. I have to pick on my kids.
5. I have to help my grandmother bake cookies.
6. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha make cookies. She’s much better now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who came to see her when she thought she was dying.
7. The water company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.
8. The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.
9. The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up.
10. My daughter is graduating from high school and I’d like to go to the ceremony.
11. My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I’d like to go to the ceremony. (Do not use within one month of #10).
12. I have to pick up my car at the shop. If I don’t get there in half an hour it’ll be locked up all weekend.
13. I have to get my car to the shop. If I don’t get it there in half an hour it’ll be locked out all weekend. (Don’t use if boss seems wide awake).
14. My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
15. My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
16. My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
17. My truss snapped.
18. My support hose popped.
19. I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue.
20. I’m arranging financing for a house.
21. I’m arranging financing for a car.
22. I’m arranging financing for a beef roast.
23. The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.
24. The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.
25. The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think this is the time it’s being delivered. (Note: This is an excuse that can’t be used by just anybody. But if it’s close to accurate, it’s extremely effective.
26. I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel.
27. I’m being sent to the moon by NASA.
28. It’s Dayton’s Warehouse Sale.
29. My back aches.
30. My stomach aches.
31. My hair aches. (This is more acceptable than “I have a hangover,” especially if offered in the early afternoon.)
32. My biological clock is ticking.
33. I have to take my biological clock in for service.
34. My furnace won’t stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached.
35. My central air conditioning won’t stop running, and the goldfish are getting freezer burn.
36. Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won’t stop running. The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode.
37. I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother.
38. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister.
39. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister’s mother.
40. I have to take my mother to the doctor.
41. I have to take my minister to the doctor.
42. I have to take my doctor to my minister.
43. I think I left the iron on.
44. I think I left the water on.
45. I think I left the refrigerator on.
46. I’m getting married, and I have to go pick out rings.
47. I’m getting married, and I have to take a blood test.
48. I’m getting married, and I have to figure out to whom.
49. I have to have my waistband let out.
50. I have to have my watchband let out.
51. I have to have my son’s rock band let out.
52. I’m having my eyes checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won’t be able to work afterwards.
53. I’m having my ears checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won’t be able to work afterwards.
54. I’m having my hats checked this noon, and I’ll be having a drop or two so I won’t be able to work afterwards.
55. I’m having a root canal.
56. I’m having a tax audit.
57. I’m going on a date with a sadomasochistic necrophile. (Is that beating a dead horse?)
58. My broker needs to talk with me about diversification.
59. I have to rearrange my savings so that there is no more than $100,000 in any one federally insured institution.
60. I need to break into my kid’s piggy bank while he’s not home.
61. I have to renew my driver’s license.
62. I have to get new license plates.
63. I have to stand in a long line for no good reason, while petty bureaucrats take inordinate amounts of time to work out the tiny problems that they detect in perfectly routine transactions. THEN I have to breeze by and renew my driver’s license and get new license plates.
64. I’ve got an urgent session with my therapist.
65. I’ve got a really urgent session with my therapist.
66. I’ve … I … I’m not … I don’t … I CAN’T COPE WITH THIS!!
67. I have to get my contact lenses fitted.
68. I have to get my hearing aid adjusted.
69. I have to get my big toe calibrated.
70. Hey, hey! The Monkees could be coming to our town.
71. My rheumatism is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible tornado.
72. My arthritis is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible blizzard.
73. The pharaoh is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible rain of frogs.
74. I need to give blood.
75. I need to give evidence.
76. I need to give up.
77. I’m going to my best friend’s engagement party.
78. I’m going to my best friend’s wedding.
79. I’m going to my best friend’s divorce. (We all knew it wouldn’t last. At the wedding, everybody threw Minute Rice.)
80. I have a seriously overdue library book that I have to return.
81. I have a bunch of old parking tickets, and if I don’t pay them I’m going to be arrested.
82. The police are at the back door. Cover me.
83. I’m having my nails done.
84. I’m having my colors done.
85. I’m having my head examined.
86. I’m going to the bank.
87. I’m going to sleep.
88. I’m going over the edge.
89. A friend of mine is dying and I have to go to the hospital.
90. A friend of mine has died and I have to go to the funeral parlor.
91. A friend of mine is being reincarnated and I have to go to the zoo.
92. I need to check out the hole in the ozone layer.
93. I need to check into a rest home.
94. I’m breaking in my shoes.
95. I’m breaking up with my boyfriend.
96. I’m breaking out.
97. I have to pick up my dry cleaning.
98. I have to pick out a car.
99. Salmon Rushdie is coming in to talk about his idea for a book on Christian fundamentalists. I thought I’d go to a ball game instead.
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Reasons To Be A Chemist
- All the coffee and pocket protectors you could want!
- Clark Kent style safety glasses.
- Exposure to all kinds of toxic and cancerous substances.
- The “opportunity” to deal with irate clients asking “where are my results?”
- Because it’s pHun :~)
- Access to 100% pure ethanol
- Knowing how to completely dissolve the bodies of your enemies
- You never have to worry about what you’re doing on Friday night (You’re working in the lab)
- Permanent goggle marks cheaper than a tattoo.
- You wish to be blamed for all faults in the environment.
- ditto for cancer
- You are adept at poverty cooking
- You prefer to get your course credits the hard way
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How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity In The Workplace
1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
2. Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you’re doing. For example: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.
4. Put your trash can on your desk. Label it “IN.”
5. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point, Spike.” “No, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Sparky.”
6. High-light your shoes. Tell people you haven’t lost them as much since you did this.
7. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.
8. Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
9. Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.
10. Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
11. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
12. Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
13. Send e-mail messages saying there’s free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, “Oh, you’ve got to be faster than that.”
14. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
15. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.)
Inspirational Phrases You Will Never Hear At Work
• There is no “I” in “teamwork.” But there is in “management kiss-up.”
• If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
• The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
• Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.
• If you think we’re a bad company, you should see the competition.
• 2 days without a human rights violation.
• Your job is STILL better than asking, “You want fries with that?”
• Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
• If at first you don’t succeed, delegate it.
• Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work weekends for free.
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Just How Did My Boss Get His Job Anyway?
Just A Suggestion
I submitted a suggestion to my Boss that would save the company millions. After two weeks of silence, I went to my Boss to get his feedback. He said “Oh, I threw your suggestion away. Only managers can make suggestions.”
Sorry You Asked
Help Wanted Corporate Translator
You’ll be making under $6 an hour
“ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY”:
“AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY”:
“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY”:
“NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER”:
“SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER”:
“WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS”:
“SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE”:
“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE”:
“EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT”:
“JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM”:
“FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT”:
“A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT”:
“MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED”:
“SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED”:
“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED”:
“A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION”:
“DUTIES WILL VARY”:
“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL”:
“COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED”:
“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE”:
“SEEKING CANDIDATE WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE”:
“SEEK CANDIDATE REQUIRING LITTLE OR NO SUPERVISION”:
“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST”:
“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS”:
“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS”:
“ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD”:
I Won't Be Coming To Work Today Because:
1. If it’s all the same to you, I won’t be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
2. On Saturday, I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour, I can never remember which it is-accordingly, I will be in late or early.
3. I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?
4. I’m stuck in the blood pressure machine at Walgreen’s.
5. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Falcons, huh? So I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
6. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work, knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
7. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.
Julius Caesar: My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I’d like to get away from all that.
Jesse James: I can list among my experience and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks.
Marie Antoinette: My management style has been criticized, but I’d like to think of myself as a people person.
Joseph Guillotin: I can give your company a head start on the competition.
Hamlet: My position was eliminated in a hostile takeover.
Lucrezia Borgia: My greatest accomplishment? After I took over the department, our competition just seemed to drop out of sight one by one.
Pandora: I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things.
Genghis Khan: My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries.
Macbeth: Would I go after my boss’s job? Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion?
Lady Godiva: What do mean, this isn’t ‘business casual’?
Elvis: My last boss and I … say, are you going to eat those fries?
Laws Of Work
If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Anything anyone can do badly will be done worse.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. “We’ll have to talk” you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.
2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their fingertips pressed together. When you talk to them, they keep staring out of the windows.
3) MANAGING BY POST-ITS® Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their ‘busy’ness by continuously writing on Post-Its® while you are talking.
4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY These managers just delegate everything to the secretary.
5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING These managers don’t really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with irrelevant anecdotes.
6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them. They will always have something to talk about.
7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all.
8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they have more work to do.
9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.
10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your career anymore.
Fun Things To Say At A Job Interview...Go Ahead And Try It We Dare Ya
See photo of interviewer’s family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.
Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; ‘Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.’
Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: ‘The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don’t ya’ think?’
After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, ‘Of course I was totally hammered at the time.’
Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.
Claim you wouldn’t even need a sit-in job if Al Einstein hadn’t stolen your secret patent for ’2000 Flushes’.
Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.
Ask if it’s O.K. that you sit on the floor.
Allow that you would have little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.
Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you’re not leaving.
Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn’t feel like making anything else up.
Ask the secretary if she’ll sit on your lap during the interview.
Walk into interviewer’s office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; ‘NOW we can begin.’
Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; ‘smell these, these smell funny to you???’
Upon walking in to the office for first time, ask receptionist to hold all your calls.
How To Look Busy At Work
Generally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive position. But once you’ve created the illusion that you serve even the slightest purpose at your place of “business,” there’s no telling how far you’ll go. In the real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances.
Appearance: You are furiously taking notes while conducting an important telephone marketing survey.
Appearance: You are on the phone with a client in New York and you have said, “Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now’s a great time to buy, I tell ya!”
Appearance: You are at your computer writing a serious business memorandum to your department supervisor.
Appearance: You are urgently plugging numbers into a complicated spreadsheet.
Appearance: You are tapping away on calculator keys, helping out the accounting department.
Appearance: You are reading a computer manual.
Appearance: You are staring at an empty computer screen, absorbed in deep thought.
International Marketing Flops
Yes these really did happen.
Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn’t be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example:
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means “bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax” depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, “ko-kou-ko-le,” which can be loosely translated as “happiness in the mouth.”
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan “finger-lickin’ good” came out as “eat your fingers off.”
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, “Salem – Feeling Free,” got translated in the Japanese market into “When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty.”
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that “nova” means “it won’t go.” After the company figured out why it wasn’t selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.
Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for “tiny male genitals”. Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.
When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” However, the company’s mistakenly thought the Spanish word “embarazar” meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”
An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of the desired “I Saw the Pope” in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed “I Saw the Potato.”
Chicken-man Frank Perdue’s slogan, “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken,” got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained “It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused.”
Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means “big breasts.” In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag.
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.
Japan’s second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.
In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extol the drink’s eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, the slogan, “Orange juice. It gets your pecker up.”
How To Write Good Bulletins
Welcome to Teach Yourself Bulletin-Writing! Here are some simple rules to help you in the gentle art of bulletin-writing.
Alternatively, you can mention someone’s call sign in the title, but in a way which implies that you are insulting them even if you aren’t.
ALTERNATIVELY, USE UPPER CASE THROUGHOUT, AS THIS CAN GIVE THE IMPRESSION
Then, the trick is to start a new
Short paragraphs are also pleasing.
Especially with no verbs.
This won’t cause any problems for
If you want to really show off your skills, why not try and combination of word wrap and short line lengths,
there is plenty of room for the reader to add notes of their own after
printing it out. Don’t worry about it taking up more paper, as the other guy
can always turn it round and use both sides – no problem.
Well, I hope that gives you a few ideas for your own bulletins. You rarely see many of these techniques used together, though most of us use one or two of them, such as bad spelling. However, you do occasionally come across bulletins which employ many or even most of these techniques, and if you come across one you will truly be in the presence of genius!
What The Job Ad Says And What It Really Means
Work processing skills essential
There’s a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future
Salary range $24,000- $32,000
Women and minorities encouraged
Top-notch communications skills
No experience necessary
Ground floor opportunity:
Professional appearance important:
Pleasant telephone manner:
B.A. required, master’s preferred:
Outstanding benefits package:
Tons of variety!
Beautiful offices in attractive location:
Competitive starting salary:
Fun, creative atmosphere:
Hilarious Memoirs From The HR Department
Last month we decided to start keeping file of the most horrific job applications handed in so that we’d have something to laugh at when the work got to us. We now officially have twice as many applications in the “Never-hire-these-people-unless-we-find-out-that-we’re-all-getting-fired-next-week” file than we have in the “These-people-are-qualified-for-a-job” file. What’s the word for when something that started out being funny ends up depressing the hell out of you? Insert that word here.
Today a woman came in to reapply for a job. She wrote that she’d quit last month but now wanted her job back. On “reason for leaving” she wrote: “That job sucked. Plus, my supervisor was a douche-nugget.” She was reapplying for the exact same job. I rehired her and reassigned her to her old supervisor, because I totally agreed with her. That guy was totally a douche-nugget.
In the last two months, six separate men filled in the “sex” blank on their job application with some variation of “Depends on who’s offering.” Two answered, “Yes, please,” and one wrote, “No, thank you.” I hired the last one because he seemed polite.
This afternoon an applicant wrote that she’d been fired from her job at a gas station for sleeping on a cat. Everyone in the office read the application, but none of us could agree on what the hell she was talking about, so we brought her in for an interview. When I asked her about falling asleep on her cat she looked at me and indignantly replied, “What? I never wrote that.” Then when I showed her the application she said, “Car. My boss found out I was sleeping on a car. Duh. Why would my boss care if I slept on a cat?”
“Um . . . why would your boss care if you slept on a car?” I asked.
“Because I was the only person working that shift. But I totally would’ve heard if anyone had driven up. I’m a very light sleeper. It’s not like I didn’t have a plan.”
The lesson here is that sometimes you get brought in for an interview just to settle a bet.
Today I interviewed someone who handed me a résumé saying that he’d worked at Helping Hand-Jobs. I choked on my own spit and couldn’t stop coughing. Later I showed it to the interviewer in the next office. She told me that her brother had worked there once but had quit because all the manual labor had given him heatstroke. After I started coughing again she realized my confusion and explained that it was actually named Helping-Hand Jobs and was a handyman service.
Never underestimate the power of punctuation, people.
Today I had to talk to an employee who e-mailed a photograph of his penis to a woman in his department. I knew it was his penis because it said, “This is my penis,” in the subject line. Also, his name badge was clipped to his belt and was clearly visible. I practiced saying, “Is this your penis?” over and over in my office until I could say it without giggling, and then I called him and his supervisor in.
“Is this your penis?” I asked, as I pushed the printout of the e-mail over to him.
I think I was expecting him to break into a sweat or try to jump through the window out of embarrassment, because apparently I’d forgotten about the fact that this was the same man who thought it would be perfectly fine to take a picture of his penis in the office bathroom to send it to a shocked coworker. Instead he grinned cockily (no pun in tended), saying, “I think the better question is, Exactly how did you get a picture of my penis?”
“It was caught in the e-mail filter. The picture, I mean. Not your penis. If, in fact, that is your penis, I mean.” I was flustered, but tried to gain control of the situation again with a deep, calming breath. “Did you mail a picture of your penis?”
He raised an eyebrow. “Would it make it better if I said I was mailing pictures of someone else’s penis?”
I’ve thought about that question for fifteen years and I still don’t have a good answer. Instead I said, “Not really. Giving a coworker a picture of a penis is sort of universally frowned on. It’s in the employee hand book. Sort of. It’s between the lines.”
“Is there anything in the handbook about someone in HR handing you a penis picture and asking you whether it’s yours?”
I couldn’t think of anything to say to that, so I just told him he was fired and made a note that we need to update the employee handbook with more penis-related directives.
Letter Of Recommendation
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classified as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader:
Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment.
How To Be Annoying In The Workplace
• Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
• Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc” them to your boss.
• While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
• Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”
• Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.
• Insist that your e-mail address be: “firstname.lastname@example.org”
• Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
• Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
• Come to work in your pajamas.
• Put a picture of your mother on your business card.
• Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.
• Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald’s Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.
• Plant a hedge around your cubicle.
• Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
• Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair.
• “Highlight” your shoes. Tell people that you haven’t lost your shoes since you did this.
• Hang mistletoe over your desk.
• While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in “Palmolive.”
• Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
• Determine how many cups of coffee are “too many.” Enforce.
• Put your garbage can on your desk and label it IN.
• Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
• Keep strange insects in a jar on your desk in a conspicuous place.
• Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
• Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn’t turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.
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Know Your Customers
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Arabs?”
“When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn’t know how to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters…
First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand…totally exhausted and fainting.
And Then these posters were pasted all over the place
“Then that should have worked!” said the friend.
“The hell it should have!? said the salesman. Didn’t realize that Arabs read from right to left”
How To Succeed In Business
To really succeed in a business or organization, it is sometimes helpful to know what your job is, and whether it involves any duties. Ask among your coworkers.
“Hi,” you should say. “I’m a new employee. What is the name of my job?”
If they answer “long-range planner” or “lieutenant governor,” you are pretty much free to lounge around and do crossword puzzles until retirement. Most jobs, however, will require some work.
There are two major kinds of work in modern organizations:
Your ultimate career strategy will be to get a job involving primarily No. 2, going to meetings, as soon as possible, because that’s where the real prestige is. It is all very well and good to be able to take phone messages, but you are never going to get a position of power, a position where you can cost thousands of people their jobs with a single bonehead decision, unless you learn how to attend meetings.