Jokes – Work #2

I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest
I love my office and its location, I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and grey, and piles of paper that grow each day!
I think my job is really swell, there’s nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers, I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers.
I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it won’t care. I love each program and every file.
I’d love them more if they worked a while.
I’m happy to be here. I am. I am.
I’m the happiest slave of the Firm, I am.
I love this work, I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job – I’ll say it again – I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who’ve come today,
In clean white coats to take me away!!!!!
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These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations…
• “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
• “His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity”
• “I would not allow this employee to breed”
• “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be”
• “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap”
“When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet”
• “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle”
• “This young lady has delusions of adequacy”
• “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them”
• “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot”
• “This employee should go far, and the sooner the better”
• “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together”
• “A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus”
• “He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless”
• “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier”
• “I would like to go hunting with him sometime”
• “He’s been working with glue too much”
• “He would argue with a signpost”
• “He has knack for making strangers immediately”
• “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room”
• “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell”
• “If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one”
• “A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens”
• “A prime candidate for natural de-selection”
• “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it”
• “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming”
• “Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it”
• “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week”
• “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change”
• “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean”
• “It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm”
• “One neuron short of a synapse”
• “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled”
• “Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes”
• “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead”
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A man seeking to join an East Texas Sheriff’s Department is being interviewed.

The Sergeant doing the interview says:

“Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted.”

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
“Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit.”

“Why the rabbit?”

“Great attitude,” says the Sergeant. “When can you start?”
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• Phone messages are delivered on the end of a spear
• Your file cabinet’s top drawer is full of half-empty whiskey bottles
• Purchasing wants to know why you need a waterbed for your office
• The FBI is checking your computer
• Your company car is now a Gremlin
• Your important dictation is somehow typed as “blah… blah… blah…”
• An “I am a slave-driving cheapskate” sign appears on your office door
• You receive an FTD “Up Yours” flower arrangement
• Your job suddenly appears on the vacancy listing
• You hear her answer the phone, “Smith, Jones and Tight-ass”
• A suggestion you don’t recall submitting for a “siesta hour” is rejected
• Oprah invites you to appear on her “I’m A Self-Centered Pig” episode
• Newly-printed org chart lists your position as “Head Up His Ass”
• Your computer’s mouse has been replaced by a shock device
• Expense report you don’t recall submitting comes back with denied charges for “beer & hookers”
• Upon arriving home, your wife wants to know why your secretary hasn’t seen you for 3 days
• You notice an announcement for your upcoming retirement party on the bulletin board
• A copy of the bestseller “So, Your Head’s Up Your Ass, Now What?” suddenly appears on your desk
• In the elevator, the CEO says, “I hope you’ll have time to meet me tomorrow after your golf game”
• Accounting is demanding to know why you have a $1,110 phone bill on your private line for the month
• The cold coffee’s not that bad, but the staples at the bottom of the cup are rather bothersome
• Your parking spot has been relocated next to the hazardous waste disposal area
• Your big business dinner with out-of-town clients is scheduled for Billy Bob’s 24-Hour Truck Stop
• You notice seven pieces of mail in the “out box” with “addressee unknown” stamped on them
• Your NY-to-Miami trip involves six plane changes and a 12-hour layover in Guam
• Three guys slap you on the back and congratulate you on your affair with the boss’ trophy wife
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We understand that Fry’s is hiring. In an attempt to breed goodwill toward our perspective associate we have taken the time to redo their employment application to help improve the quality of their applicants.

Please apply early and often!

First Name: ______________ Last Name: ________________

Address: __YMCA __Halfway house __A cardboard box behind our dumpsters __Parents basement

City: ______________

Phone: ______________

Education: __Some grammar school __8th Grade __Some High School __Um…”self-taught” __Watch a lot of T.V.

IQ: _

Position: __Surly Service Associate __Lazy Floor Supervisor __Door Nazi __The guy who gets RAM out of that case locked with Kryptonite bolts (just in case Superman comes in)

Cashiering positions:
English is you’re: __Second __Third __Fourth language

You are at a register and the customer’s total is $6.31. The customer hands you a $10.00 bill. You should…
__Have the customer wait while you call the Federal Reserve to make sure the bill is good
__Shout, “Check approval please!”
__Mumble “Customer service…” and stare vacantly into space while waiting for your supervisor
__All of the above

A customer picks up a can of soda but decides he doesn’t want it while at the register. You…
__Call Sunnyvale to double check his resale number
__Call Pepsi to check the expiration date on the soda
__Refuse to return it because he doesn’t have a receipt
__All of the above

Computer or software sales:
A customer approaches you on the floor and asks how much memory you need to run Windows 8 You…
__Pretend you don’t hear them and walk briskly into the next aisle
__Say, “Can’t you see I’m helping another customer?!”, and run off to the backroom to smoke a cigarette
__Continue to stare blankly into space
__Blurt out the first number that comes into your head

You pick up the ringing phone, expecting to hear your girlfriend and/or mother. A customer asks if you have Photoshop 3.05 for Windows in stock. You…
__Blurt “Certainly!” in a loud voice, while checking your teeth in the reflection from your suit coat and trying to remember if you hid the last copy well enough.
__Snarl “Not my department!” into the receiver and slam down the phone
__Play a game with the other clerks to see who can get a caller to hold the longest by offering to “Check our other store.”
__Explain how you’re really a software developer and that your Visual Basic version ‘Fotoshop’ is really far superior and only slightly more expensive

Audio/Visual sales
A kindly older gentleman asks to purchase the 13″ TV that was advertised in the morning paper for $99, a gift for his granddaughter’s college dorm room. You…
__Tell him that, darn it, you’ve just sold the last one. However, the top-quality ‘SUNY’-brand TV right next to it is only $225! When he points out the stack of sale TVs next to the display, tell him they’re empty boxes. If he picks one up to see, run
__Scoff at his selection. Explain that all the kids nowadays would be humiliated by anything less than a 32″ Mitsubishi with Stereo Surround- only $3200!
__Tell him our other store has some, and they’ll hold one. Then call the other store and tell them to send him to a different store. Repeat.
__Invite him out to your car, where there’s an ‘Open Box Buy’

You’re working the AV room today. Customers come in to see the Home Theater equipment. You…
__Diddle nonchalantly with the equipment, and tell people you have the same $1400 Carver amp at home. Only your Mom knows you buy only Realistic from Radio Shack
__Insist repeatedly that the Technics speakers are really the same as the Infinity Crescendos, just without the expensive nameplate
__Fantasize idly of your dream job at Best Buy. Someday, someday
__Put Top Gun into the VCR and turn the volume up so loud that you’re instantly sterile

Employment Experience:
Have you been fired by Radio Shack or any subsidiary of the Tandy Corporation in the last three years? __Yes __No

Have you been involved in retailing in the USSR, North Korea, Thailand, or any of the former Soviet satellites? __Yes __No
Are you ‘computer literate’? __Yes __No
Can you:
Program your VCR? __Yes __No
Use an ATM? __Yes __No
Use a remote control channel changer? __Yes __No
Flush a toilet without assistance? __Yes __No *NOTE: If answer to any of the above is yes, please answer YES.

Expected salary: __$4.85/hr __$5.00/hr __$5.15/hr __$6.00/hr* Your Masters is in________

Previous Employment: __Circuit City __Lozanzo’s Car Wash (started as wiper, promoted to wiper)

For how long?: __A paycheck __A couple of weeks __Until the Federales caught up with me __They think I’m in the stock room right now

Thanks for applying to Fry’s Electronics. We’re certain you’ll be robbing us blind in no time!
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1. My kids are locked outside.
2. My kids are locked inside.
3. My kids are stuck in the door.
4. I have to pick on my kids.
5. I have to help my grandmother bake cookies.
6. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha make cookies. She’s much better now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who came to see her when she thought she was dying.
7. The water company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.
8. The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.
9. The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up.
10. My daughter is graduating from high school and I’d like to go to the ceremony.
11. My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I’d like to go to the ceremony. (Do not use within one month of #10).
12. I have to pick up my car at the shop. If I don’t get there in half an hour it’ll be locked up all weekend.
13. I have to get my car to the shop. If I don’t get it there in half an hour it’ll be locked out all weekend. (Don’t use if boss seems wide awake).
14. My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
15. My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
16. My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
17. My truss snapped.
18. My support hose popped.
19. I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue.
20. I’m arranging financing for a house.
21. I’m arranging financing for a car.
22. I’m arranging financing for a beef roast.
23. The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.
24. The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.
25. The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think this is the time it’s being delivered. (Note: This is an excuse that can’t be used by just anybody. But if it’s close to accurate, it’s extremely effective.
26. I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel.
27. I’m being sent to the moon by NASA.
28. It’s Dayton’s Warehouse Sale.
29. My back aches.
30. My stomach aches.
31. My hair aches. (This is more acceptable than “I have a hangover,” especially if offered in the early afternoon.)
32. My biological clock is ticking.
33. I have to take my biological clock in for service.
34. My furnace won’t stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached.
35. My central air conditioning won’t stop running, and the goldfish are getting freezer burn.
36. Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won’t stop running. The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode.
37. I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother.
38. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister.
39. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister’s mother.
40. I have to take my mother to the doctor.
41. I have to take my minister to the doctor.
42. I have to take my doctor to my minister.
43. I think I left the iron on.
44. I think I left the water on.
45. I think I left the refrigerator on.
46. I’m getting married, and I have to go pick out rings.
47. I’m getting married, and I have to take a blood test.
48. I’m getting married, and I have to figure out to whom.
49. I have to have my waistband let out.
50. I have to have my watchband let out.
51. I have to have my son’s rock band let out.
52. I’m having my eyes checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won’t be able to work afterwards.
53. I’m having my ears checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won’t be able to work afterwards.
54. I’m having my hats checked this noon, and I’ll be having a drop or two so I won’t be able to work afterwards.
55. I’m having a root canal.
56. I’m having a tax audit.
57. I’m going on a date with a sadomasochistic necrophile. (Is that beating a dead horse?)
58. My broker needs to talk with me about diversification.
59. I have to rearrange my savings so that there is no more than $100,000 in any one federally insured institution.
60. I need to break into my kid’s piggy bank while he’s not home.
61. I have to renew my driver’s license.
62. I have to get new license plates.
63. I have to stand in a long line for no good reason, while petty bureaucrats take inordinate amounts of time to work out the tiny problems that they detect in perfectly routine transactions. THEN I have to breeze by and renew my driver’s license and get new license plates.
64. I’ve got an urgent session with my therapist.
65. I’ve got a really urgent session with my therapist.
66. I’ve … I … I’m not … I don’t … I CAN’T COPE WITH THIS!!
67. I have to get my contact lenses fitted.
68. I have to get my hearing aid adjusted.
69. I have to get my big toe calibrated.
70. Hey, hey! The Monkees could be coming to our town.
71. My rheumatism is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible tornado.
72. My arthritis is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible blizzard.
73. The pharaoh is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible rain of frogs.
74. I need to give blood.
75. I need to give evidence.
76. I need to give up.
77. I’m going to my best friend’s engagement party.
78. I’m going to my best friend’s wedding.
79. I’m going to my best friend’s divorce. (We all knew it wouldn’t last. At the wedding, everybody threw Minute Rice.)
80. I have a seriously overdue library book that I have to return.
81. I have a bunch of old parking tickets, and if I don’t pay them I’m going to be arrested.
82. The police are at the back door. Cover me.
83. I’m having my nails done.
84. I’m having my colors done.
85. I’m having my head examined.
86. I’m going to the bank.
87. I’m going to sleep.
88. I’m going over the edge.
89. A friend of mine is dying and I have to go to the hospital.
90. A friend of mine has died and I have to go to the funeral parlor.
91. A friend of mine is being reincarnated and I have to go to the zoo.
92. I need to check out the hole in the ozone layer.
93. I need to check into a rest home.
94. I’m breaking in my shoes.
95. I’m breaking up with my boyfriend.
96. I’m breaking out.
97. I have to pick up my dry cleaning.
98. I have to pick out a car.
99. Salmon Rushdie is coming in to talk about his idea for a book on Christian fundamentalists. I thought I’d go to a ball game instead.
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- All the coffee and pocket protectors you could want!
- Clark Kent style safety glasses.
- Exposure to all kinds of toxic and cancerous substances.
- The “opportunity” to deal with irate clients asking “where are my results?”
- Because it’s pHun :~)
- Access to 100% pure ethanol
- Knowing how to completely dissolve the bodies of your enemies
- You never have to worry about what you’re doing on Friday night (You’re working in the lab)
- Permanent goggle marks cheaper than a tattoo.
- You wish to be blamed for all faults in the environment.
- ditto for cancer
- You are adept at poverty cooking
- You prefer to get your course credits the hard way
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1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.

2. Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you’re doing. For example: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.

4. Put your trash can on your desk. Label it “IN.”

5. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point, Spike.” “No, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Sparky.”

6. High-light your shoes. Tell people you haven’t lost them as much since you did this.

7. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.

8. Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

9. Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.

10. Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

12. Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

13. Send e-mail messages saying there’s free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, “Oh, you’ve got to be faster than that.”

14. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

15. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.)
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• There is no “I” in “teamwork.” But there is in “management kiss-up.”
• If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
• The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
• Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.
• If you think we’re a bad company, you should see the competition.
• 2 days without a human rights violation.
• Your job is STILL better than asking, “You want fries with that?”
• Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
• If at first you don’t succeed, delegate it.
• Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work weekends for free.
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Just A Suggestion
I submitted a suggestion to my Boss that would save the company millions. After two weeks of silence, I went to my Boss to get his feedback. He said “Oh, I threw your suggestion away. Only managers can make suggestions.”

Taking Control
Our purchasing group was negotiating with a major paint supplier. Because of our volume of orders, we were in a strong position to negotiate. Finally, after two days of heated wrangling, we got the manufacturer to agree to a 35% discount.
As we were about to sign the contract, the President, who had not been a party to the negotiations, walked in and tore it up. He said “I’m going to teach you purchasing people how to play hardball. That’s the way you make it in this world.”
At that, he turned to the manufacturer’s representatives and said “We’ll give you 10% under your quoted price, take it or leave it. There are other suppliers out there.”
The supplier quickly leaped at the change. Turning to us as he left, the President said “I hope you learned something from that.”

Rubbed Out
I’m a web page designer for a university in Georgia. I was called by a prominent organization that we belong to and told that I had won first place for a design. The prize was going to be given to me at a banquet in California.
Immediately, I told my Boss that I wanted to go and accept the award. Without offering congratulations, he said that the budget was tight and that the university couldn’t afford to send me.
The following week my Boss went to accept the award for me. After seeing the award, he discovered that my name was engraved on it. He made the Committee re-issue the plague, blank. Now, my award hangs in his office.

Sorry You Asked
While working as an art director for a small magazine, I and my fellow employees were invited by our publisher to a meeting to ‘brainstorm’ about possible improvements.
As the meeting began and the words, “Anybody got any ideas?” left my Boss’s lips, there fell an awkward silence. I saw my opportunity to chime in with all the great ideas I had since my employment began 2 months prior, so I went for it.
My Boss and I got into a tremendous dialogue while my work mates remained silent. I felt I was really making a difference. After the meeting was over, every one of my fellow workers commended me on my obvious passionate desire for the success of our magazine and the great ideas I had shared. The following morning my Boss asked me to step into her office. I felt certain I was to be praised for my sure-fire plan for success. Instead, I was reamed for suggesting that our magazine was less than perfect. I was then told to apologize to everyone in the office for implying that they were less than competent professionals.
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“ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION”:
You’ll be making under $6 an hour

“ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY”:
You’re paid under $6 an hour; we’ll be bankrupt in a year

“AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY”:
There’s no chance in hell we’ll be the next Microsoft

“PROFIT-SHARING PLAN”:
Once it’s shared among the brass, you get what’s left

“COMPETITIVE SALARY”:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors

“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY”:
We have no time to train you (and/or) please introduce yourself to your co-workers

“NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER”:
Inc Magazine mentioned us a few years ago

“IMMEDIATE OPENING”:
The person who had this job gave notice a month ago–We’re just now running the ad

“SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER”:
We’re can’t supply you with leads; (and/or) there’s no base salary to speak of; (and/or) you’ll wait 30 days for your first commission check

“SELF-MOTIVATED”:
Don’t expect Management to answer questions

“WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS”:
After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $35 co-pay

“PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS”:
After 3 years, we’ll allow you to fund your own 401(k)

“SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE”:
Who won’t notice our internship-level salaries

“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE”:
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings

“COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT”:
We have a lot of turnover (and/or) Lots of intra-office back stabbing

“EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT”:
Guys in gray suits bore you with tales of Total Quality Management (TQM)

“JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM”:
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes

“FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT”:
Your coworkers will be insulted if you don’t drink with them

“A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT”:
We booze it up at company parties and after work hours

“MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED”:
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day

“SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED”:
If we’re in trouble, you have to explain it to the customer

“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED”:
Some time each night and some time each weekend

“A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION”:
We can’t afford any office partitions, let alone offices

“FLEXIBLE HOURS”:
Work 40 hours; plus whatever your supervisor asks you to

“DUTIES WILL VARY”:
Anyone in the office can boss you around

“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL”:
We have no quality control to speak of

“COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED”:
Unless you blew four years studying something useless

“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE”:
We’ve filled the job; this ad is just a legal formality

“SEEKING CANDIDATE WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE”:
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left

“SEEK CANDIDATE REQUIRING LITTLE OR NO SUPERVISION”:
You’re on your own here Bunko; sink or swim

“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST”:
This is a company in perpetual chaos and turmoil

“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS”:
You’ll have managerial responsibilities, w/o the pay

“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS”:
Brass communicate, you listen, you figure out what they want

“ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD”:
You whine, you’re outta here!
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1. If it’s all the same to you, I won’t be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

2. On Saturday, I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour, I can never remember which it is-accordingly, I will be in late or early.

3. I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?

4. I’m stuck in the blood pressure machine at Walgreen’s.

5. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Falcons, huh? So I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

6. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work, knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

7. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.
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Julius Caesar: My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I’d like to get away from all that.

Jesse James: I can list among my experience and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks.

Marie Antoinette: My management style has been criticized, but I’d like to think of myself as a people person.

Joseph Guillotin: I can give your company a head start on the competition.

Hamlet: My position was eliminated in a hostile takeover.

Lucrezia Borgia: My greatest accomplishment? After I took over the department, our competition just seemed to drop out of sight one by one.

Pandora: I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things.

Genghis Khan: My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries.

Macbeth: Would I go after my boss’s job? Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion?

Lady Godiva: What do mean, this isn’t ‘business casual’?

Elvis: My last boss and I … say, are you going to eat those fries?
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If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

Anything anyone can do badly will be done worse.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
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1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. “We’ll have to talk” you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.

2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their fingertips pressed together. When you talk to them, they keep staring out of the windows.

3) MANAGING BY POST-ITS® Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their ‘busy’ness by continuously writing on Post-Its® while you are talking.

4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY These managers just delegate everything to the secretary.

5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING These managers don’t really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with irrelevant anecdotes.

6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them. They will always have something to talk about.

7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all.

8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they have more work to do.

9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.

10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your career anymore.
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See photo of interviewer’s family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.

Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; ‘Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.’

Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: ‘The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don’t ya’ think?’

After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, ‘Of course I was totally hammered at the time.’

Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.

Claim you wouldn’t even need a sit-in job if Al Einstein hadn’t stolen your secret patent for ’2000 Flushes’.

Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.

Ask if it’s O.K. that you sit on the floor.

Allow that you would have little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.

Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you’re not leaving.

Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn’t feel like making anything else up.

Ask the secretary if she’ll sit on your lap during the interview.

Walk into interviewer’s office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; ‘NOW we can begin.’

Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; ‘smell these, these smell funny to you???’

Upon walking in to the office for first time, ask receptionist to hold all your calls.
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Generally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive position. But once you’ve created the illusion that you serve even the slightest purpose at your place of “business,” there’s no telling how far you’ll go. In the real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances.

Appearance: You are furiously taking notes while conducting an important telephone marketing survey.
Reality: You are pretending to take notes while talking to your friend who has called collect from Bulgaria.

Appearance: You are on the phone with a client in New York and you have said, “Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now’s a great time to buy, I tell ya!”
Reality: You are on the phone with a friend in Guam and you have said, “Yeah, this job is terrible, and my boss is such a pushy whining… Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now’s a great time to buy, I tell ya!”

Appearance: You are at your computer writing a serious business memorandum to your department supervisor.
Reality: You are at your computer telling dead-baby jokes to your e-mail correspondent in Namibia.

Appearance: You are urgently plugging numbers into a complicated spreadsheet.
Reality: You are playing Tetris.

Appearance: You are tapping away on calculator keys, helping out the accounting department.
Reality: You are paying your electric bill.

Appearance: You are reading a computer manual.
Reality: You are reading the TV guide you placed in the computer manual.

Appearance: You are staring at an empty computer screen, absorbed in deep thought.
Reality: You have pressed “Escape” just in time, erasing a MacDraw portrait entitled “Supervisor with Pitchfork”
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Yes these really did happen.

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn’t be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example:

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means “bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax” depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, “ko-kou-ko-le,” which can be loosely translated as “happiness in the mouth.”
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” came out as “Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead.”

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan “finger-lickin’ good” came out as “eat your fingers off.”

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, “Salem – Feeling Free,” got translated in the Japanese market into “When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty.”

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that “nova” means “it won’t go.” After the company figured out why it wasn’t selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for “tiny male genitals”. Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” However, the company’s mistakenly thought the Spanish word “embarazar” meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of the desired “I Saw the Pope” in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed “I Saw the Potato.”

Chicken-man Frank Perdue’s slogan, “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken,” got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained “It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused.”

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means “big breasts.” In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Japan’s second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

and finally…

In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extol the drink’s eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, the slogan, “Orange juice. It gets your pecker up.”
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Welcome to Teach Yourself Bulletin-Writing! Here are some simple rules to help you in the gentle art of bulletin-writing.

TITLE/SUBJECT
This is very important, as it is the first thing that users will see of your bulletin. Titles like “PLEASE READ” or “URGENT MESSAGE” are ideal, though something like “A345/23D wanted” is also quite acceptable. On no account give any clear indication as to what the bulletin is actually about. Appeal to people’s curiosity; after all, they’ve got all day to browse through the bulletins!

Alternatively, you can mention someone’s call sign in the title, but in a way which implies that you are insulting them even if you aren’t.

LETTER CASE
always type in lower case, and do not use any capitals anywhere in a sentence, (not even at the beginning), as this looks inconsistent and untidy. abbreviations like rsgb, dti, pc etc. look much nicer in lower case.

ALTERNATIVELY, USE UPPER CASE THROUGHOUT, AS THIS CAN GIVE THE IMPRESSION
YOU ARE SHOUTING, SO WILL HAVE MORE IMPACT!

PUNCTUATION
Do not litter your bulletin with messy punctuation but just let the prose flow without any cumbersome and unnecessary interruption there is also the added benefit that the person reading the bull will be totally unable to pause for breath and so will continue to read going more and more purple in the face until they foam at the mouth and fall over backwards which you might enjoy if you don’t like them

WORD WRAP
Do avoid the temptation to neatly wrap text around at the end of the line; just carry on typing without pressing . The other guy won’t mind downloading your bulletin into a text editor so he can then set the line length to 77 characters or something like that. After all, what’s the use in having all these fancy bits of software if you can’t use them?

LINE LENGTH
A exception to this rule applies if
you have one of these extra special
superior terminals or micros with a
40-column display.

Then, the trick is to start a new
line every 37 characters or so, and
make up for it by leaving plenty
of space between paragraphs.

Short paragraphs are also pleasing.

Especially with no verbs.

This won’t cause any problems for
anyone wanting to print your
bulletin on a printer; all they’ve
got to do is load it into a word
processor and set it into two
columns – easy!

If you want to really show off your skills, why not try and combination of word wrap and short line lengths,
to give a very appealing look
which people will find really interesting to look at. This takes some practice, so don’t try this until
you’ve got really accomplished
at some of the other effects.

LINE SPACING
A nice little trick is to use double-line spacing on all your text so that

there is plenty of room for the reader to add notes of their own after

printing it out. Don’t worry about it taking up more paper, as the other guy

can always turn it round and use both sides – no problem.

SPELLING
This is verry inpotant indede, as allthogh most peeple make quiet a lot off
speling misteaks, specally when typin ‘live’, it takes reel feeness to make
a poper job off it and spel at leest fife words rong inn ever sentenc. No
one wil mind, and in fakt most peeple enjoy figyurin out wot the wordz where
supposed too be in the ferst plaice.

GRAMMAR
Well this is a tricky one really. To boldly split infinitives is a good idea. And to start a sentence with a conjunction is too. Sentences also look better. With no verbs. Messing with the order word about also nice looks. It isn’t terribly unlike a good idea to use double-negatives and things of that nature.

CONTENT
No hard and fast rules here. However, it helps if you type your bulletin very last at night, when you are tired and irritable, or when you’ve staggered home from the pub after drinking eleventeen pints of fizzy lager. Don’t bother to verify any information, but shoot from the hip and tell all those wallies what you think of them – you’re entitled to your opinion aren’t you? They’re always having a go at you, and if there’s one thing you can’t stand, it’s intolerance!

EQUIPMENT
A 40-column monitor or an old TV with a fuzzy picture will do nicely. In most cases using a word-processor is a no-no, as it tends to prevent you achieving most of the wonderful effects I have demonstrated. Also, it’s better to type ‘live’ so that the text soon scrolls off the screen, and you forget what you said earlier in the bull. It comes across as being more natural and spontaneous this way.

Well, I hope that gives you a few ideas for your own bulletins. You rarely see many of these techniques used together, though most of us use one or two of them, such as bad spelling. However, you do occasionally come across bulletins which employ many or even most of these techniques, and if you come across one you will truly be in the presence of genius!
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Work processing skills essential
There’s a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future

Salary range $24,000- $32,000
The salary is $24,000

Civil service
This job was filled from the inside six months ago

Women and minorities encouraged
White males need not waste the stamp to apply

Top-notch communications skills
Telemarketing

Salary negotiable
We’ll take the lowest bidder

Advancement opportunity
Crappy job

Entry level
Really a crappy job

No experience necessary
The mother of all crap jobs

Administrative assistant:
Crap job with a title.

Ground floor opportunity:
Crap job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year.

Progressive company:
Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday.

Team player:
Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities.

Upbeat personality:
Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug & alcohol rehab benefit within the first year.

Public relations:
Receptionist

Professional appearance important:
$20K/yr job that requires a $100K/yr wardrobe

Pleasant telephone manner:
Be the voice of 1-900-HOT-TIME

Jeans job!
Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions.

Will train:
Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem.

B.A. required, master’s preferred:
Must be an M.A. willing to work on a B.A.’s salary

Outstanding benefits package:
Health insurance.

Tons of variety!
We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do & rolled them into one job.

Beautiful offices in attractive location:
Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting.

Secretary:
Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management & wages of a migrant worker.

Executive secretary:
The most powerful position in the company

Dedicated:
You’re looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until we force you into early retirement.

Salary commensurate:
We’ll pay you whatever the hell we feel like.

Competitive salary:
We’ll pay you up to 10% more than your last job and not one penny more.

Competitive starting salary:
Ten cents above minimum wage.

Pleasant atmosphere:
A staff of pod people.

Professional atmosphere:
Zombie pod people.

Fun, creative atmosphere:
Pod people from hell.

Dynamic atmosphere:
Zombie pod people from hell.

Gal Friday:
Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it.

Self-starter:
Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means.
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Last month we decided to start keeping file of the most horrific job applications handed in so that we’d have something to laugh at when the work got to us. We now officially have twice as many applications in the “Never-hire-these-people-unless-we-find-out-that-we’re-all-getting-fired-next-week” file than we have in the “These-people-are-qualified-for-a-job” file. What’s the word for when something that started out being funny ends up depressing the hell out of you? Insert that word here.

Today a woman came in to reapply for a job. She wrote that she’d quit last month but now wanted her job back. On “reason for leaving” she wrote: “That job sucked. Plus, my supervisor was a douche-nugget.” She was reapplying for the exact same job. I rehired her and reassigned her to her old supervisor, because I totally agreed with her. That guy was totally a douche-nugget.

———

In the last two months, six separate men filled in the “sex” blank on their job application with some variation of “Depends on who’s offering.” Two answered, “Yes, please,” and one wrote, “No, thank you.” I hired the last one because he seemed polite.

———

This afternoon an applicant wrote that she’d been fired from her job at a gas station for sleeping on a cat. Everyone in the office read the application, but none of us could agree on what the hell she was talking about, so we brought her in for an interview. When I asked her about falling asleep on her cat she looked at me and indignantly replied, “What? I never wrote that.” Then when I showed her the application she said, “Car. My boss found out I was sleeping on a car. Duh. Why would my boss care if I slept on a cat?”

“Um . . . why would your boss care if you slept on a car?” I asked.

“Because I was the only person working that shift. But I totally would’ve heard if anyone had driven up. I’m a very light sleeper. It’s not like I didn’t have a plan.”

The lesson here is that sometimes you get brought in for an interview just to settle a bet.

———

Today I interviewed someone who handed me a résumé saying that he’d worked at Helping Hand-Jobs. I choked on my own spit and couldn’t stop coughing. Later I showed it to the interviewer in the next office. She told me that her brother had worked there once but had quit because all the manual labor had given him heatstroke. After I started coughing again she realized my confusion and explained that it was actually named Helping-Hand Jobs and was a handyman service.

Never underestimate the power of punctuation, people.

———

Today I had to talk to an employee who e-mailed a photograph of his penis to a woman in his department. I knew it was his penis because it said, “This is my penis,” in the subject line. Also, his name badge was clipped to his belt and was clearly visible. I practiced saying, “Is this your penis?” over and over in my office until I could say it without giggling, and then I called him and his supervisor in.

“Is this your penis?” I asked, as I pushed the printout of the e-mail over to him.

I think I was expecting him to break into a sweat or try to jump through the window out of embarrassment, because apparently I’d forgotten about the fact that this was the same man who thought it would be perfectly fine to take a picture of his penis in the office bathroom to send it to a shocked coworker. Instead he grinned cockily (no pun in tended), saying, “I think the better question is, Exactly how did you get a picture of my penis?”

“It was caught in the e-mail filter. The picture, I mean. Not your penis. If, in fact, that is your penis, I mean.” I was flustered, but tried to gain control of the situation again with a deep, calming breath. “Did you mail a picture of your penis?”

He raised an eyebrow. “Would it make it better if I said I was mailing pictures of someone else’s penis?”

I’ve thought about that question for fifteen years and I still don’t have a good answer. Instead I said, “Not really. Giving a coworker a picture of a penis is sort of universally frowned on. It’s in the employee hand book. Sort of. It’s between the lines.”

“Is there anything in the handbook about someone in HR handing you a penis picture and asking you whether it’s yours?”

I couldn’t think of anything to say to that, so I just told him he was fired and made a note that we need to update the employee handbook with more penis-related directives.
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Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classified as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Regards,
Project Leader

KEEP READING…

Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader:

Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment.

Regards,
Project Leader
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• Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
• Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc” them to your boss.
• While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
• Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”
• Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.
• Insist that your e-mail address be: “zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com”
• Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
• Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
• Come to work in your pajamas.
• Put a picture of your mother on your business card.
• Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.
• Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald’s Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.
• Plant a hedge around your cubicle.
• Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
• Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair.
• “Highlight” your shoes. Tell people that you haven’t lost your shoes since you did this.
• Hang mistletoe over your desk.
• While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in “Palmolive.”
• Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
• Determine how many cups of coffee are “too many.” Enforce.
• Put your garbage can on your desk and label it IN.
• Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
• Keep strange insects in a jar on your desk in a conspicuous place.
• Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
• Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn’t turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.
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A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Arabs?”
The salesman explained

“When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn’t know how to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters…

First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand…totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster: The man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed.

And Then these posters were pasted all over the place

“Then that should have worked!” said the friend.

“The hell it should have!? said the salesman. Didn’t realize that Arabs read from right to left”
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To really succeed in a business or organization, it is sometimes helpful to know what your job is, and whether it involves any duties. Ask among your coworkers.

“Hi,” you should say. “I’m a new employee. What is the name of my job?”

If they answer “long-range planner” or “lieutenant governor,” you are pretty much free to lounge around and do crossword puzzles until retirement. Most jobs, however, will require some work.

There are two major kinds of work in modern organizations:
1. Taking phone messages for people who are in meetings, and,
2. Going to meetings.

Your ultimate career strategy will be to get a job involving primarily No. 2, going to meetings, as soon as possible, because that’s where the real prestige is. It is all very well and good to be able to take phone messages, but you are never going to get a position of power, a position where you can cost thousands of people their jobs with a single bonehead decision, unless you learn how to attend meetings.
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