Happy Birthday George, We Still Miss You
Bill Maher remembers George Carlin (Part 1)
Bill Maher remembers George Carlin (Part 2)
George Carlin Jokes
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man, living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
“No comment” is a comment.
If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Get on the plane, get on the plane. I say, FUCK YOU! I’m getting IN the plane! Evel Knievel can get ON the plane. There seems to be less wind in here!
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
In America anyone can become President. That’s the problem.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have an “s” in it?
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole damn airplane made out of that sh!t?
Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a c0cksucker from Guatemala.”
I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos. And I think that ought to count!
What year did Jesus think he was born?
I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
I’m in shape. Round is a shape.
I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Top 10 Mother’s Day Wishes
What a mother wants for mother’s day
10. To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a soda without any “floaties” (ie, backwash).
9. To have my 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that “Why is this person my mother?” way.
8. Five pounds of chocolate that won’t add twenty.
7. A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a “Hi Ya Mom!” just as I put a razor to my ankle.
6. A full time cleaning person who looks like Brad Pitt.
5. For my teenager to announce “Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!”
4. A grocery store that doesn’t have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line.
3. To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily secretions.
2. To be able to step on a plane with my toddlers and NOT have someone moan, “Oh no! Why me…!”
1. Four words: Fisher Price Play Prison!
Drinking And Driving – A Personal Testimony
I received this testimony from a friend in southern middle Tennessee.
I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us down here in ______________ County have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Black Marlin and had a few too many beers and more then a few shots.
Knowing full well I may have been a bit over the limit, I did something I’ve never done before:
I took a bus home.
Sure enough, I passed a police road block, but as it was a bus, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
More of Steven Wright
1. Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
2. I intend to live forever… So far, so good.
3. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines
5. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
6. My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
7. Why do psychics have to ask you for you name.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
9. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
10. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
11. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
12. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
13. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
14. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
15. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
16. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
17. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
And the all-time favorite -
18. If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
The Best Bar Mitzvah Invitation I Have Ever Seen
It is with great stress, emotional and physical fatigue and incredible financial sacrifice beyond comprehension,
that we invite you to join us as our wonderful son
is called to the Torah as a Bar Mitzvah.
Saturday, May 12th – (yes we realize its Mother’s Day Weekend)
14 Coleytown Road
Westport, Connecticut 06880
at the ungodly hour of 9 am
Even though you don’t really need to be there until 10:20am to catch the real action.
If you make it through the 3 hour service,
please skip the kiddush (its just cookies and cake)
and join us instead for the ostentatious evening meal (Kosher, my husband’s idea),
which starts at 7 PM, (not 8 PM.. or you will miss out on the 2000 canapés).
Birchwood Country Club
25 Kings Hwy S
Westport , CT 06880
(which we had to join just for this event and you would not believe the initiation fees)
Please have the courtesy of showing up if you RSVP that you are
attending, or you will be billed for $210.00 a plate if you are a
no-show. Please RSVP as soon as you get this and not the day before the
cut-off date. I can’t take the stress.
The gift of choice is either green, or contains a routing and account number. ‘
Hope you can make it! Lisa and David Miller
Dress: Black Tie optional
Theme: 007 James Bond
Kippot and Matching Eye Patch will be provided
1. The Law of Common Sense: Never accept a drink from a urologist.
2. The Law of Reality: Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
3. The Law of Self Sacrifice: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
4. Government Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
5. Management Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.
6. The Law of Motivation: Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
7. Boob’s Law: You always find something in the last place you look.
8. Bosses Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.
9. Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
10. Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work in the past tense.
11. Organizational Law: In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
12. Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.
13. Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There is always one more bug.
14. Law of Drunkenness: You can’t fall off the floor.
15. Construction Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
Signs Your Online Relationship Isn’t Working Out
13) You: Large, hairy man. Your online girlfriend: Large, hairy man.
12) Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as “undeliverable” but as “unlikely to get you anywhere.”
11) After months of shared experiences and emotional investments, she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a Vorpal Sword when she learns you’re worth 45,000 points.
10) “Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again.”
9) Your cyber lover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List.
8 ) Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable, she lets a reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by.
7) You discover that she has been cutting and pasting her org@sms.
6) You can barely make out her face in the JPEG she sent because she’s obscured by her 25 cats.
5) He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company.
4) Since her first e-mail, Make.Money.Fastemail@example.com has become cold and distant.
3) She’s suddenly changed her address to firstname.lastname@example.org
2) You discover that “Chesty McBust” isn’t her real name, and she’s dialing in from Quantico, VA.
1) In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old, rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she’d pretended to be.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. ~ Bill Watterson
And on the eighth day God said, “Okay, Murphy, you’re in charge!” ~ Funny Short Saying
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. ~ Oprah Winfrey
There is only one immutable law in life – in a gentleman’s toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way. ~ Hugh Leonard
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. ~ Bob Hope
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two… ~ Sir Norman Wisdom
By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it. ~ George Burns
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. ~ Helen Hayes
When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I’m labeled senile. ~ George Burns
Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. ~ Robert Orben
I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did. ~ Jeff Foxworthy
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. ~ Fred Allen
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. ~ Noel Coward
The first law of dietetics seems to be: if it tastes good, it’s bad for you. ~ Issac Asimov
When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So, what the hell, leap! ~ Cynthia Heimel
Things To Say (Or Not) At A Job Interview
See photo of interviewer’s family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.
Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; ‘Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.’
Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: ‘The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don’t ya’ think?’
After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, ‘Of course I was totally hammered at the time.’
Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.
Claim you wouldn’t even need a sit-in job if Al Einstein hadn’t stolen your secret patent for ’2000 Flushes’.
Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.
Ask if it’s O.K. that you sit on the floor.
Mention that you would have little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.
Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you’re not leaving.
Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn’t feel like making anything else up.
Ask the secretary if she’ll sit on your lap during the interview.
Walk into interviewer’s office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; ‘NOW we can begin.’
Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; ‘smell these, these smell funny to you???’
Upon walking in to the office for first time, ask receptionist to hold all your calls.
Comebacks To The Age Old Question: “Why aren’t you married yet?”
1. You haven’t asked yet.
2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
3. What? And spoil my great sex life?
4. Nobody would believe me in white.
5. Because I just love hearing this question.
6. Just lucky, I guess.
7. It gives my mother something to live for.
8. My fiancé is awaiting his/her parole.
9. I’m still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
10. I’m married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
11. I’m waiting until I get to be your age.
12. It didn’t seem worth a blood test.
13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
15. My co-op board doesn’t allow spouses.
16. I’d have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
18. I wouldn’t want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can’t trust those voodoo doll rituals.
20. What? And lose all the money I’ve invested in singles sites?
21. We really want to, but my lover’s spouse just won’t go for it.
22. I don’t want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
23. Why aren’t you thin?
24. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.