Give Stupidity A Chance
The Wonderful Insults of Groucho Marx
Things To Do In The Bathroom Stall…
1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?”
2. Say “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t put my lips on that.”
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”
5. Drop a marble and say, “oh shoot!! My glass eye!!”
6. Say “Darn, this water is cold.”
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, “Now how did that get there?”
9. Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, “Whoa! Easy boy!!”
11. Say, “Interesting….more sinkers than floaters.
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?”
13. Say. “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me!!”
14. Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot”
15. Say, “Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your “Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free”
20. When you’re in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say “You got any more toilet paper over there, This side’s completely out.”
Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse.
Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation.
“I’m sorry Mickey, but I can’t legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane…”
Mickey replied, “I didn’t say she was mentally insane, I said that she’s fucking goofy!”
Answering Service At The Mental Institute
“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.
If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.”
Leave That Poor Wolf Alone!
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
“My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,” says Little Red Riding Hood.
The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again; this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
“My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf,” says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
“My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf,” taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, “Will you get lost? I’m trying to take a dump!”
Comedians’ Best Lines
“I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, ‘You’ll never find anyone like me again!’ I’m thinking, ‘I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?’–Larry Miller
“A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad.” –Christopher Case
“Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.” –Bob Ettinger
“I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.” –Ellen DeGeneres
“A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too.’”–Jake Johansen
“If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.”–Dick Cavett
“Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find the middle east.” –A. Whitney Brown
“Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don’t eat pork. I’m sorry, what was that last one?? Don’t eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?”–Jon Stewart
“My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’”–Paula Poundstone
“In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?”–Warren Hutcherson
“I voted for the Democrats because I didn’t like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.”–Jack Mayberry
“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.”–Conan O’Brien
Ask A Carpenter
A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit him and asked him how far away he was from the accident.
The carpenter replied, “Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches.”
“What? How come you are so sure of that distance?” asked the lawyer.
“Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!” replied the carpenter.
You know you’re ugly when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.
Tombstone engraving: I TOLD you I was sick!
“You da bomb!”
“No, you da bomb!”
In America – a compliment. In the Middle East – an argument.
On a first date
He: “I work with animals every day!”
She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”
He: “I’m a butcher.”
How can you tell your acne is really starting to get out of hand?
The blind start reading your face.
“Siri, why am I still single?!”
Siri activates front camera.
My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children. If anybody does please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
An 87-year-old man chats with his doctor:
“So, I’m getting married again next week, doc!”
“Oh, that’s wonderful! And how old is the bride?”
“That’s fantastic – but I have to warn you, too much action in the bed can be deadly!”
“Ah well, if she dies, I’ll just have to remarry.”
Congratulations on your 60th birthday! At last you can live undisturbed by life insurance agents!
A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken.
The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, “Nothing special really… We just tell them they’re going to die…”
My Grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Atlanta Zoo.
I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I’m digging in our garden.
If you need to break up with somebody, the best place to do so is McDonalds. There are no plates or glasses to be broken over your head, no sharp knives or spiky forks, plus you can always hide behind a fat kid.
Mommy, mommy, I found daddy!
How often do I have to tell you not to dig around in the garden!
Does Pregnancy Hurt?
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, “Well, I’m a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?”
The doctor answered, “Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it’s difficult to describe pain.”
“I know, but can’t you give me some idea?” she asks.
“Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little…”
“A little more…”
“No. A little more…”
“Yes. Does that hurt?”
“A little bit.”
“Now stretch it over your head!”
Fun Things To Do At Parties
Speak in a strange foreign accent. when someone asks where you are from, name a country only you can pronounce.
Use a different accent every time you talk to someone new.
When getting food, pile everything onto your plate in heaping servings – make sure to use your hands!
Ask the host, “Who threw this cheesy party, anyway?”
Turn cartwheels across the floor. If you can turn a back flip, all the better!
Bring a novel and curl up in a corner with it.
Cough all over guests, then exclaim, “Doctor says a few more years and I’ll be cured…”
Hang your head and whisper one-word answers to questions.
Play a lullaby on a kazoo during a speech (singing a lullaby works okay, too)
If there is music, mix up your dancing: break dance to classical, symphony conductor hand waves to techno music.
If you find your former dancing partner dancing with someone else, burst into tears, wailing “I thought you loved me!”, and run from the room.
Tell a middle-aged wife, “Your husband seems very happy with that girl in the closet…”
Tell a middle aged man, “Your wife seems very happy with that boy in the closet…”
Whisper to the guest on your right, “What kind of lame moron actually goes to these parties, anyway?”
Bring Lego warships and fighter jets. Wage a war in the middle of the room. Urge other guests to get involved. If you are a historical expert, reenact the revolutionary war, the civil war, world war two, etc.
Bring a soccer ball, basketball, football, or baseball. Start a game… in the kitchen.
Karate chop everywhere and everything. Yell really, really loud. A few sudden kicks would be worthwhile as well.
Wear wool or feathers and sneeze all night. “The doctor says I’m not allergic to anything except sheep and birds…”
If someone says the word no to you, say, “How dare you turn down the prince / princess of Ugranialo!”
Burst into the room an hour late, sopping wet and screaming, “I’ve done it! I’ve found Atlantis!”
Pick out the oldest women at the party, run up to her, and exclaim, “Grandmother! it’s me, Anastasia!”
If it is a summer party in the evening, break into a duet with another guest: “Summer nights”. Persuade the host to sing “You’re the one that I want” with you.
Come in saying, the guy outside in the lab coat is looking for (insert name of host).
I’ll Do Anything
A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, “I’ll do anything you want for 50 bucks.”
He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five’s, a twenty and ten ones.
He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman’s hand and says, “Here…paint my house.”