At Last The 1948 Show – Secret Service Cleaner
More of Steven Wright
1. Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
2. I intend to live forever… So far, so good.
3. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines
5. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
6. My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
7. Why do psychics have to ask you for you name.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
9. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
10. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
11. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
12. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
13. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
14. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
15. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
16. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
17. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
And the all-time favorite -
18. If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Just In Case You Were Wondering Why That Was Her Name
K – Know your rights
A – Accuse everyone
R – Request a manager
E – Escalate to authorities
N – Neglect Reason
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. ~ Bill Watterson
And on the eighth day God said, “Okay, Murphy, you’re in charge!” ~ Funny Short Saying
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. ~ Oprah Winfrey
There is only one immutable law in life – in a gentleman’s toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way. ~ Hugh Leonard
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. ~ Bob Hope
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two… ~ Sir Norman Wisdom
By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it. ~ George Burns
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. ~ Helen Hayes
When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I’m labeled senile. ~ George Burns
Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. ~ Robert Orben
I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did. ~ Jeff Foxworthy
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. ~ Fred Allen
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. ~ Noel Coward
The first law of dietetics seems to be: if it tastes good, it’s bad for you. ~ Issac Asimov
When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So, what the hell, leap! ~ Cynthia Heimel
My 1 Day Employment At Walmart
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day……
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, ‘Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ‘Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7.
Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?’
So I replied, ‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just couldn’t believe someone actually slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.’
My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
Signs Your Online Relationship Isn’t Working Out
13) You: Large, hairy man. Your online girlfriend: Large, hairy man.
12) Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as “undeliverable” but as “unlikely to get you anywhere.”
11) After months of shared experiences and emotional investments, she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a Vorpal Sword when she learns you’re worth 45,000 points.
10) “Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again.”
9) Your cyber lover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List.
8) Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable, she lets a reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by.
7) You discover that she has been cutting and pasting her org@sms.
6) You can barely make out her face in the JPEG she sent because she’s obscured by her 25 cats.
5) He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company.
4) Since her first e-mail, Make.Money.Fastfirstname.lastname@example.org has become cold and distant.
3) She’s suddenly changed her address to email@example.com
2) You discover that “Chesty McBust” isn’t her real name, and she’s dialing in from Quantico, VA.
1) In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old, rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she’d pretended to be.
Senior Trying To Reset Password
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
1. The Law of Common Sense: Never accept a drink from a urologist.
2. The Law of Reality: Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
3. The Law of Self Sacrifice: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
4. Government Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
5. Management Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.
6. The Law of Motivation: Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
7. Boob’s Law: You always find something in the last place you look.
8. Bosses Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.
9. Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
10. Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work in the past tense.
11. Organizational Law: In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
12. Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.
13. Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There is always one more bug.
14. Law of Drunkenness: You can’t fall off the floor.
15. Construction Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
Sorry, But I Need To Vent!!!
I experienced the WORST customer service today at a store in town. I don’t want to mention the name of the store because I’m not sure how I’m going to proceed. Last night I bought something from this store. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn’t work. So today, less than 24 hours later I took it back to the store and asked if I could get a refund. The girl in the store told me “NO” even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a replacement instead then. Again this person told me “NO.” I asked to talk to a manager now as I’m really not happy and I explained that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it didn’t work.
The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was “OUT OF LUCK.”
No FREE replacement.
I’ll tell you what…I am NEVER buying another Lottery Ticket from there again.
Things To Say (Or Not) At A Job Interview
See photo of interviewer’s family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.
Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; ‘Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.’
Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: ‘The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don’t ya’ think?’
After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, ‘Of course I was totally hammered at the time.’
Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.
Claim you wouldn’t even need a sit-in job if Al Einstein hadn’t stolen your secret patent for ’2000 Flushes’.
Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.
Ask if it’s O.K. that you sit on the floor.
Mention that you would have little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.
Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you’re not leaving.
Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn’t feel like making anything else up.
Ask the secretary if she’ll sit on your lap during the interview.
Walk into interviewer’s office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; ‘NOW we can begin.’
Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; ‘smell these, these smell funny to you???’
Upon walking in to the office for first time, ask receptionist to hold all your calls.
The Most Functional English Word Is Shit.
That’s right, shit! You can smoke shit, get shit faced, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, tell people to eat shit, forget shit, some people know their shit and some have shit for brains, there’s crazy shit, there’s bullshit, horse shit, chicken shit, deep shit, the wrong shit, the right shit & not enough shit, weird shit. scary shit, up shit creek with out a paddle & sometimes everything you touch turns to shit. You could pass this on if you give a shit or not if you don’t give a shit. Hope you have a shit free week. But remember shit happens!!