Sorry ladies this is not a real product.
1. “I love cats…they taste just like chicken”
2. “Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.”
3. “I souport publik edekasion”
4. “We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.”
5. “I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.”
6. “I Brake For No Apparent Reason.”
7. “No Radio – Already Stolen”
8. “Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.”
9. “I’m out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?”
10. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
11. I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
12. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
13. Life is too complicated in the morning.
14. All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
15. The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography
16. My karma ran over your dogma.
17. I brake for… wait… AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!!
18. A fool and his money are a girl’s best friend.
19. I’m not driving fast-just flying low.
20. My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird!
21. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
22. “I is a college student.”
23. If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
24. Be nice to your kids…They will pick out your nursing home.
A “Kinder, Gentler System”
Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on its hot new notebook PC. Instead of producing the cryptic error message characteristic of Microsoft’s operating systems, Sony’s president said, “We intend to capture the high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been-until now-an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example, we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry.” The chairman went on to give examples of Sony’s new error messages:
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
The Web site you seek
Can not be located but
Countless more exist
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
“My Novel” not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you’re seeking
Must now be retyped.
Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time…. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours?
2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. Remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
3 When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Damn right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?
4 When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5 When people say while watching a film “did you see that?”. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6 People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is ‘new and improved!’. Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, and it couldn’t be new.
8 When people say “life is short”. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumb-ass?
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.
Defense: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let the children play outside.
Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
Full name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Look out: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-minute warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: Able to whine in words
Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”
If Thomas Jefferson Had Worked In Corporate America
10 October 1776
Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Dear Mr. Jefferson:
We have read your “Declaration of Independence” with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:
- In the same paragraph you refer to the “opinions of mankind.” Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the “opinions of mankind” are a matter of opinion.
- You hold certain truths to be “self-evident.” Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.
- “Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that “among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years,” these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.
- You state that, “Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it and to institute a new Government …” Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?
- Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not allow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.
- Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies “ought to be Free and Independent States” and that they are “Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown.” Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?
- Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.
- You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne’s War.
What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.
- Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart itemized budget and manpower utilization matrix.
We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your “Declaration of Independence.” We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is November 30, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.
Management Analyst to the British Crown
Actual Questions That Librarian Have Been Asked
These are actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian library reference desk workers of various levels.
• Do you have books here?
• Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?
• Do you have a list of all the books I’ve ever read?
• I’m looking for Robert James Waller’s book, Waltzing through Grand Rapids. (Actual title wanted: “Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.”)
• Do you have that book by Rushdie: ‘Satanic Nurses’? (Actual title: “Satanic Verses.”)
• Where is the reference desk? (This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had hanging above her head a sign saying Reference Desk.)
• I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?
• Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hairdryer?
• Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites?
• Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?
• I need a color photograph of George Washington (Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, etc.)
• I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington’s birth certificate.
• I need to find out Ibid’s first name for my bibliography.
• Why don’t you have any books by Ibid? He’s written a lot of important stuff.
• I’m looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I’m having trouble with it in my neck.
• Is the basement upstairs? (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk.)
Letter of Recommendation
Mr. ____ has asked me to write a letter of recommendation for him. I cannot do so with enough enthusiasm. I can truly say that if you get Mr. ____ to work for you, you will be quite lucky.
The maxim of American work force is “work smarter, not harder.” No one exceeds Mr. ____ in his mastery of the latter half of that maxim, and as for the former, there is no one for whom improvement is more inevitable.
If you are looking for a creative problem solver, then you can stop your search with Mr. ____. When others would be content to do the job the hard way, Mr. ____ continues to ponder the problem, long after others would have completed the task. And his proposed solutions are inevitably something that no one else would ever come up with.
With personable employees, I am sure you might be afraid that they would spend a great deal of time chatting with his co-workers at the water cooler. Rest assured, when the candidate is at the water cooler, of the lunch room, or wherever people gather to gossip, no one will be with him. In fact, his mere presence will frequently inspire them to return to their workplaces.
Mr. ____ is certain to come to the attention of his superiors. I have no question that the person responsible for hiring Mr. ____ will be singled out for special attention as well, and can look forward to a significant change in responsibilities as a reward for their unique vision in hiring this man.
School Voice Mail
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all options before making a selection:
• To lie about why your child is absent, Press 1.
• To make excuses for why your child did not do his work, Press 2.
• To complain about what we do, Press 3.
• To cuss out staff members, Press 4.
• To ask why you didn’t get needed information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several bulletins mailed to you, Press 5.
• If you want us to raise your child, Press 6.
• If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone, Press 7.
• To request another teacher for the third time this year, Press 8.
• To complain about bus transportation, Press 9.
• To complain about school lunches, Press 0.
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it’s not the teachers fault for your child’s lack of effort … Hang up and have a nice day!!
The Sheer Nightgown
A husband walks into David Jones to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks she’s no dummy), ‘I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.’
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, ‘Good Grief! You’d think for $500 they’d at least iron it!’
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon
Boy Were They Wrong!
“It will be years — not in my time — before a woman will become Prime Minister.” — Margaret Thatcher, 1974.
“I see no good reasons why the views given in this volume should shock the religious sensibilities of anyone.” — Charles Darwin, “The Origin Of Species”, 1869.
“With over 50 foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto industry isn’t likely to carve out a big slice of the U.S. market.” — Business Week, August 2, 1968.
“That Professor Goddard with his ‘chair’ in Clark College and the countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution does not know the relation of action to reaction, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react–to say that would be absurd. Of course, he only seems to lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.” — 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard’s revolutionary rocket work. The remark was retracted in the July 17, 1969 issue.
“You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can’t be done. It’s just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training.” — Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the “unsolvable” problem by inventing Nautilus.
“Ours has been the first, and doubtless to be the last, to visit this profitless locality.” — Lt. Joseph Ives, after visiting the Grand Canyon in 1861.
“Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You’re crazy.” — Workers whom Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
“Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.” — Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
“There is not the slightest indication that nuclear energy will ever be obtainable. It would mean that the atom would have to be shattered at will.” — Albert Einstein, 1932.
“The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.” — Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project.
“Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.” — Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
“There will never be a bigger plane built.” — A Boeing engineer, after the first flight of the 247, a twin engine plane that holds ten people.
“Everything that can be invented has been invented.” — Attributed to Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899, but known to be an urban legend.
“Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.” — Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872.
“The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon.” — Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.” — Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.