Email in Real Life
Denis Leary – Asshole Song (Uncensored Version)
More Things Not To Say During Sex
1. (in a menage a trois) why am I doing all the work?
2. Maybe we should call dr. Ruth…
3. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
4. I think you have it on backwards.
5. When is this supposed to feel good?
6. Put the blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
7. You’re good enough to do this for a living.
8. Is that blood on the headboard?
9. Did I remember to take my pill?
10. Are you sure I don’t know you from somewhere?
11. I wish we got the playboy channel…
12. That leak better be from the water bed!
13. I told you it wouldn’t work without batteries!
14. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.
15. Did I tell you my aunt martha died in this bed?
16. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
17. No, really.. I do this part better myself.
18. It’s nice being in bed with a woman I don’t have to inflate myself.
19. This would be more fun with a few more people.
20. You’re almost as good as my ex!
21. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
22. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
23. You look younger than you feel.
24. Perhaps you’re just out of practice.
25. You sweat more than a galloping stallion…
26. They’re not cracker crumbs, it’s just a rash.
27. Now I know why s/he dumped you…
28. Does your husband own a sawed off shot-gun?
29. You give me a reason to concluded that foreplay is overrated?
30. What tampon?
31. Have you ever considered liposuction?
32. And to think, I didn’t even have to buy you dinner!
33. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
34. I have a confession…
35. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home.
36. Are those real or am I just behind that times?
Crash And Burn
I’m sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when all of a sudden the captain comes on the loudspeaker and tells us that the plane is about to crash land into the mountains.
The next thing I know this woman from the front of the plane jumps up from her seat and starts screaming like a lunatic. “I cant die today! I WONT die today! I am twenty-seven years old! I have been on countless dates and no one has ever made me feel like a woman! Please, I don’t want to die like this! Is there anyone on this airplane that can make me feel like a woman?”
The entire plane went from hysteria to complete silence. Then, from the back of the plane, someone stood up. He was a dark, tall, well-built, handsome man.
“I can make you feel like a woman,” was his reply.
He started walking slowly down the isle to the woman, who was now shaking with anticipation. One by one he started unbuttoning his shirt buttons, revealing his rippling stomach muscles. He quickly took his shirt off, slowly reached for her trembling hand, looked in her eyes and said…
You Might Be A Redneck If…
• Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
• In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
• Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.
• You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
• You’ve ever spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.
• Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
• Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
• Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
• The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road“.
• Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
F My Life
Today, 3 days before my wedding day, I found out that my fiancé is sleeping with one of my bridesmaids. I just cancelled a $200,000 wedding. I would go into more detail, but I have to help my family (who flew in from Poland, California, and Massachusetts) book flights back home. FML
Today, I found out that I’m pregnant. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a while, and I was very excited to tell him the news. When I opened his office door planning to surprise him with the news, I saw him making out with a man. FML
Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had s ex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, “Beat ya!” She’s thirteen. FML
Today, I told my mom about my night terrors in which I am laying in a ditch with people shooting at me, and I have no ammunition to defend myself. She told me I should stop being such a whiny bitch, and to grow up and be a man. I am 20 and got back from Iraq 10 months ago. FML
Today, I texted my college boyfriend to tell him how terrible I felt about cheating. He replied saying he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. I was talking about my math exam. FML
Today, I checked my face book, and my wife of 5 years was listed as single. I then write on her wall that it is ok to announce to be married. She writes back saying that we have to talk and to come to the kitchen. My wife divorced me over face book. FML
Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She said she’s looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I’m going to medical school. FML
Today, I had to make a family tree for one of my classes. When I was going through it, I realized that my mothers maiden name was the same as my fathers. So, I asked them about it and they told me that they are second cousins. FML
Today, I bit my boyfriend’s neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML
Today, I was reported to my principal because someone caught me shooting up at the cafeteria lunch table and as a result I have been suspended from school. I am a diabetic, I was giving myself insulin before I ate crappy school food. FML
Today, my boyfriend brought me breakfast in bed, told me all the things he loved about me, got down on one knee and pulled out the little blue box I had been hoping for, for so long. He opened the box and there was a note inside that said, “April Fools!” FML
Today, it’s my 18th birthday. My parents got me a $5 gift certificate to iTunes. It came for free with the iPhone they just bought my sister for her middle school graduation. FML
Today, I took the bus to work and a sweet old lady got on after me and sat next to me. Halfway to work, she fell asleep and her head was on my shoulder. Trying to be nice, I gently tried to wake her up before my stop came. She wasn’t sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML
Today, I texted my boyfriend saying hi. His response, “I got your best friend pregnant”. FML
Ways To Get Rid Of Your Blind Date
1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you’ll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
3. Wipe your nose on your date’s sleeve. Twice.
4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
6. Give your claim to fame as being voted “Most Festerous” for your high school yearbook.
7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
8. Stare at your date’s neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don’t know what they are talking about.
10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
11. Order a bucket of lard.
12. Ask for crayons to color the place mat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
13. Howl and whistle at women’s’ legs, especially if you are female.
14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.
16. Sacrifice French fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
18. Without asking, eat off your date’s plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her “What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?”
23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
27. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you’ve brought along.
Wacky And Outdated U.S. Laws
Just in case you thought all crazy laws were in the past check this out.
Arizona will make it legal for gun owners with permits to carry concealed weapons to take their fire arms into drinking establishments — bars — on September 29 2009. Up until now, guns were barred from any kind of establishment where alcohol is served but that law no longer stands.
*In Reno, Nevada, the sale of sex toys, which includes “any device … designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs,” is forbidden. The state of Nevada allows for brothels but it seems the Reno is a little weary of self stimulation. You can pay someone else to do it for you but you can’t pay to do it for yourself.
*In Fairbanks, Alaska, it’s illegal to give a moose alcohol and it’s also illegal for moose to have sex on city streets. While the first part of this makes sense (a drunk moose would probably be pretty dangerous), the second part sounds like something that might be really hard to enforce. Do you fine these exhibitionist moose or do you just haul them off to jail? Let’s face it, if they’ve been getting it on in the street, they’re probably already drunk.
*No one can suddenly start or stop a car in front of a McDonald’s or drive-in restaurants in general in Little Rock, Arkansas. This must have made Bill Clinton’s visits to the local McDonald’s really interesting back when he was the governor. Maybe that’s why he decided to take up jogging instead.
*An anti-crime law in Texas requires criminals to give their victims notice, oral or written, 24 hours in advance of the crime they’re planning to commit and the nature of that crime. It seems unlikely that someone who is already planning to break one law would follow this law and actually put pen to paper: “Dear Karen, I’m planning to break into your house and steal your Wii in 24 hours.”
*In Louisiana, you could go to jail for up to a year for making a false promise so be sure you mean it when you give your vows at your wedding. It’s hard to believe that a state would actually make it illegal to essentially lie to someone but apparently somewhere along the line, it pissed off someone so much that they actually had to make a law forbidding it.
*While in Oregon, a person may not test their physical endurance while driving a car on a highway. Somehow doing so would qualify as speed racing along a highway which holds a penalty for many drivers. It’s a Class A traffic violation for any driver to do so within the state according to the state driving laws.
*An Owensboro, Kentucky woman may not buy a hat without her husband’s permission. Perhaps Owensboro is petrified by the fashions worn at the Kentucky Derby every year when it’s held a little over two hours away in Louisville. For this reason, they had to put some restriction on how women could buy their hats — to keep them from getting anything like those monstrosities that take over Churchill Downs.
Ten things to do with a graduate Economics textbook
1. Press pretty flowers.
2. Press pretty insects.
3. Use it as paper weight on your already over cluttered desk.
4. Leave out in obvious places to impress uninformed undergraduates.
5. Mail to the White House as an intimidation tactic.
6. Give it a walk-on part in a boring European existentialist play.
7. Just throw the lousy thing away.
8. Leave out for the rain and other forces of nature to reckon with.
9. Read it, and weep.
10. Get a refund from bookstore so you can buy a weekend’s beer supply.
Speaking Of Women
“A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s. She changes it more often.”
- Oliver Herford
“She tells enough white lies to ice a cake”
- Dorothy Parker
“She’s got such a narrow mind, when she walks fast her earrings bang together.”
- John Cantu
“My wife asked what it would take to make her look good I said “About a mile” ”
“She not only kept her lovely figure, she’s added so much to it.”
- Bob Fosse
“She has discovered the secret of perpetual middle age.”
- Oscar Levant talking about Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Her voice sounded like an eagle being goosed.”
- Ralph Novak on Yoko Ono
“A wife of 40 should be like money. You should be able to change her for two 20’s”
1. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when
you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
2. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit
in a boat and drink beer all day.
3. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
4. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
5. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not
follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the heck alone.
6. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s
newspaper that’s the time to do it.
7. Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
8. Give a man the fire and you’ll keep him warm for one day. Set the man on fire — and
you’ll keep him warm for the rest of his life.
9. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
10. Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
11. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
12. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your
help. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
13. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
15. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
16. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.
17. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
18. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying “Hello.”
I politely said, “This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?”
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear “Get the right f***ing number!” and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled “You’re an asshole!” and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an asshole!”
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?”
He yelled “NO!” and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an asshole!” and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”
He said, “Yes, it is.”
I asked, “Can you tell me where I can see it?”
He said, “Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax.
It’s a yellow rambler, and the car’s parked right out in front.”
I asked, “What’s your name?” He said, “My name is Don Hansen.”
I asked, “When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”
He said, “I’m home every evening after five.”
I said, “Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”
He said, “Yes?”
I said, “Don, you’re an asshole!”
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea.
I called Asshole #1.
He said, “Hello.”
I said, “You’re an asshole!” (But I didn’t hang up.)
He asked, “Are you still there?”
I said, “Yeah.”
He screamed, “Stop calling me!”
I said, “Make me.”
He asked, “Who are you?”
I said, “My name is Don Hansen.”
He said, “Yeah? Where do you live?”
I said, “Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front.”
He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.”
I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole,” and hung up.
Then I called Asshole No. 2.
He said, “Hello?”
I said, “Hello, asshole.”
He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…”
I said, “You’ll what?”
He exclaimed, “I’ll kick your ass,”
I answered, “Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that my gay lover was on his way over to kill me.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management works