Microcaine: A Revolutionary New Drug for Women
More Of Bart Simpson’s Chalkboard
1. Goldfish don’t bounce.
2. Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
3. No one is interested in my underpants.
4. I will not sell miracle cures.
5. I will return the seeing-eye dog.
6. I do not have diplomatic immunity.
7. I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
8. The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
9. All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
10. I will not say “Springfield” just to get applause.
11. I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
12. My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
13. I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
14. I am not deliciously saucy.
15. Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
16. The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with “Hail Satan”.
17. I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
18. There are plenty of businesses like show business.
19. Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
20. I will not waste chalk.
21. I will not skateboard in the halls.
22. Underwear should be worn on the inside.
23. I will never win an Emmy.
24. The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
25. I will not torment the emotionally frail.
Be Careful What You Say
A young woman was pulled over in Nashville, Tennessee for speeding. As the Tennessee State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Tennessee State Police Ball.”
He replied, “Tennessee State Troopers don’t have balls.”
There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he’d just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.
Good, Bad, And Worse
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It’s triplets.
Worse: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good: Your wife’s not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Worse: She’s a lawyer.
Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He’s involved with the Woman next door.
Worse: So are you.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Worse: You’re in them.
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can’t find your birth control pills.
Worse: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He’s a cross-dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
Good: You give the “birds and bees” talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Worse: With corrections.
Good: The postman’s early.
Bad: He’s wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It’s another man.
Worse: He’s your best friend.
Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Worse: Your coworkers are her best clients.
The WORST: She makes more money than you do.
Bumper Stickers 2
1. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
2. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
3. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
4. He who laughs last thinks slowest!
5. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
6. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
7. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
8. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
9. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
10. Your kid may be an honor student, but you’re still an IDIOT!
11. Smile. It’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
12. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
13. When there’s a will, I want to be in it!
14. Tastes like chicken keep on licking. Tastes like trout get the fuck out!
15. It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
16. Forget about World Peace….visualize using your turn signal.
17. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
18. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
19. We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
20. Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
A Short Guide To Comparative Religions
Taoism Shit happens.
Buddhism If shit happens, it’s not really shit.
Islam If shit happens, it’s the will of Allah.
Protestantism Shit happens because you don’t work hard enough.
Judaism Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism This shit happened before.
Catholicism Shit happens because you’re bad.
Hare Krishna Shit happens rama rama ding dong.
T.V. Evangelism Send more shit.
Atheism No shit.
Jehova’s Witness Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism There’s nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn’t.
Existentialism What is shit anyway?
Stoicism This shit doesn’t bother me.
Rastafarianism Let’s smoke this shit.
Probably the greatest political sage this country ever has known.
There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate; now what’s going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House?
I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that’s out always looks the best.
On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.
The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, “How’s the President?”
Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing — and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.
Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.
About all I can say for the United States Senate is that it opens with a prayer and closes with an investigation.
Our Constitution protects aliens, drunks, and U.S. Senators.
Anything important is never left to the vote of the people. We only get to vote on some man; we never get to vote on what he is to do.
I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him “father.”
There ought to be one day—just one—when there is open season on senators.
The country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.
If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of Congress.
If you ever injected truth into politics you’d have no politics.
Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
Employee Appraisal / Counseling Sheet
This form indicates employee performance in the position they currently hold.
[ ] The son of a bitch really knows his stuff
[ ] Knows just enough to be dangerous
[ ] Only half a brain and is dangerous
[ ] Fucking brain damaged, his coffee cup has a higher IQ
[ ] Does excellent work if not preoccupied
[ ] Pretty good, only occasionally blows it out his a$$
[ ] Has to take off his shoes to count to ten
[ ] Couldn’t count his balls and get the same number twice
[ ] Extremely cooperative if you kiss his a$$ frequently
[ ] Brown nose in good standing
[ ] Often pi$$e$ off co-workers, thinks it’s his shop
[ ] Doesn’t give a $hit, never did and never will
[ ] A really dependable little cocksucker
[ ] You can rely on him at evaluation time
[ ] Can rely on him to be the first one out the fucking door
[ ] Totally fucking useless/worthless
[ ] Extremely neat, even combs his pub!c hair
[ ] Looks great at evaluation time
[ ] Flies abandon fresh dog $hit to follow him around
[ ] Dirty, filthy, rotten son of a bit(h
[ ] Works like a son of a bit(h, if there’s money in it for him
[ ] Does all kinds of good $hit at evaluation time
[ ] Works only if kicked in the a$$ every 2 minutes
[ ] Couldn’t do less work if he were in a fucking coma
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,’ Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?’
‘Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.’
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: ‘Husband Wanted’.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father, ‘Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?’
Father replied, ‘I don’t know son, I’m still paying.’
A young son asked, ‘Is it true Dad that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?’
Dad replied, ‘That happens in every country, son.’
Then there was a woman who said, ‘I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.’
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say — talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, ‘My wife’s an angel!’
Second guy remarks, ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.’
‘A Woman’s Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man, to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I’ll just beat him to death’
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, ‘Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.’
The blind man replies, ‘If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.’
Fun Things to Ask Your Human Resources Representative
If you work for a decent-sized company, you’ve been forced to sit through a presentation by the Human Resources department reviewing your benefits. I guess they’re less liable if they can prove they’ve wasted an hour of your time reading from a company brochure. Here’s a list of questions to ask your HR representative during the presentation. Caution: for amusement only. Not liable for discontinued employment.
Will my health plan provide clean needles for my heroin habit?
If I die, do I have to show up at work to claim my life insurance money or will it be mailed to me?
If a man injures his lower extremities with a cheese grater that has the company logo on it. Should he call an ambulance or the firm’s legal department first?
OK so I rent a car and contract an STD from a lady of the night — who’s health insurance pays for my treatment — Alamo’s, my own, or Candy’s pimp’s?
If I contract Ebola, can I work remotely?
What does 401K stand for?
(Stated loudly, whilst shaking head vigorously) Hmmmm… I don’t like the sound of “being vested”. Noooo sir-eee.
If I am adopted, is it me or my host family that gets the free paid vacation under the Family Medical Leave Act? If it’s me then I’d like to pick Hawaii, please.
If I am accidentally disabled at the dentist’s office whilst on paid personal sick leave on a religious holiday, what form do I need to fill out?
Metallica are rock gods. (insert air guitar gesture here) Can I take a religious holiday when they’re in town next Thursday?
Will my pet hamster “Raggot” qualify as a dependant?
How about the voices in my head?
How about the little man who lives in my stomach?
“Well, THESE might qualify.” (reach into trousers)
Can a floating holiday be attributed to acid? What if I live on a house boat or rent “House Boat” the movie with Sophia Loren and Jimmy Stewart — can that be considered a floating holiday?
Do I have to work during the Apocalypse or Armageddon?
If I am unproductive because I have been reproductive, can I be compensated for the work I would have performed?
If I am dismembered in a forest and no one is there to see or hear it, will I qualify for coverage?
Is “sleepy” considered a long or short-term disability?
Can I put anything besides money into my 401K? Like German bearer bonds, gold bullion, or Krugerrands for example?
Can I use sick leave if I am sick of work? Or sick of my boss? Actually, I feel a little sick right now. May I be excused?
Do genital enlargement surgeries get coverage? (act disappointed upon hearing answer) Could you please explain why not?! (raise voice)
Is there any way to realize my resource allocation management potential whilst leveraging my leadership achievement matrix?
What happens if my Qualifying Domestic Partner has a Qualifying Life Event?
What if my Qualifying Domestic Partner (QDP) gives me a Short Term Disability (STD)?
How do I increase the size of my paycheck? Can I do this online?
“Yes, uh, if I quit the firm, do I still get paid? Why not?”
Proof That The World Is Nuts
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female.
Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers.
The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than ‘going blind!’)
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let’s just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband’s illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England – but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception:
Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.’
(Is this a great country or what?
Well,… not as great as Guam!)