Friday Fun Stuff – 6-18-21

My Little Step Children

The IT Crowd – Truest Moment About Tech Support

These Are Actual Complaints Received By “Thomas Cook Vacations” From Dissatisfied Customers:

1. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”

2. “On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”

3. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”

4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price.”

5. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”

6. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.”

7. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.”

8. “No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.”

9. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”

10. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”

11. “The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.”

12. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”

13. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”

14. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the resort.’ We’re trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.”

15. “When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”

16. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.”

17. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”

18. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”

19. “My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”

Grandpa’s Golf Story

One day, a grandpa and his grandson go golfing.

The young one is really good and the old one is just giving him tips.

They are on hole 8 and there is a tree in the way and the grandpa says, “When I was your age, I would hit the ball right over that tree.”

So, the grandson hits the ball and it bumps against the tree and lands not to far from where it started.

“Of course,” added the grandpa, “when I was your age, the tree was only 3 feet tall”.

E-MOONING

A new phenomena called E-MOONING:

We all know those cute little computer symbols called ‘emoticons,’ where:
: ) means a smile and
: ( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by
;~)
;~(

Well, how about some ‘ASSICONS?’
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) an ass hole
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that’s been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass

You have just been E-Mooned!

Little Boys Cat

A little boy was at the supermarket checkout with a huge box of detergent. The checkout girl, trying to be friendly, asked him he had a lot of laundry to do.

“Not laundry,” the boy said. “I’m going to wash my kitten.”

“You shouldn’t use this to wash your kitten. It is very powerful and if you wash your cat in this, you’ll make him very ill. You might even kill him.”

Nevertheless the little boy paid for his box of detergent and went on his way. A couple of weeks later the little boy was back in the supermarket buying some chocolate. The checkout girl asked the boy how his kitten was doing. “Oh, he died,” the boy said.

“I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your kitten.”

The little boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. How did he die?”

“Dunno,” says the boy, “but I think it might have been the spin cycle.”

Things To Think About

• What if my dog only brings back the ball because he thinks I like throwing it?
• If poison is past its expiry date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
• Which letter is silent in the word scent, the S or the C?
• Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
• Why is the letter W, in English. called double u? Shouldn’t it be called double v?
• Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.
• Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
• The word “swims” upside-down is still ‘swims”.
• Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors, is just as hard as trying to win.

Smart Woman

A woman walked outside a doctor’s cabin after recently being diagnosed with cancer She was grieved but tried to compose herself in front of her daughter, who was waiting for her outside.

She broke the news to her daughter by saying, “We women celebrate every news, whether good or bad. I hate to break it to you, but I have cancer So, I want us to go to the club and have a martini.”

At the club, the mother-daughter duo shared a few martinis between them and was starting to feel a bit somber.

After a while, a few friends of the woman approached them and eventually asked her what she was celebrating.

The woman told them with a serious face, “I’ve just been diagnosed with AIDS.” Her friends were shocked, but they composed themselves and offered her their condolences.

Soon after they left, the daughter asked the woman, “Mom, why did you tell them you have AIDS?”

The woman turned to her daughter. “Because I don’t want any of them sleeping with your father after I’m gone.”

Why Men?

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free.
Here’s an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

1. Men are like Laxatives… They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like Bananas… The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather … Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders … You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars … Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials … You can’t believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores … Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like Government Bonds ……They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara … They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn … They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms … You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps … Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots… All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

When Police Wants To Know My Address

Police: Where do you live?
Me: With my parents.
Police: Where does your parents live?
Me: With me.
Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where is your house?
Me: Next to my neighbor’s house.
Police: Where is your neighbor’s house?
Me: If I tell you, would you believe me?
Police: Tell me.
Me: Next to my house

When You Have An “I Hate My Job” Day…Try This Out

Stop at your pharmacy, go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Then, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
“Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.”

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, “I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.”

My New Primary Care Physician

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; it’s like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, which means they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body’s, your ratio would be two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain…good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming were good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!

Well… I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”

I’m Guessing Their Speaking From Experience