Donald Trump: Show Us Your Penis
Democrats Vs. Republicans
1. Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
2. Republicans consume three-fourths of all the rutabaga produced in this country. The remainder is thrown out.
3. Republicans usually wear hats and always clean their paint brushes.
4. Democrats give their worn-out clothes to those less fortunate. Republicans wear theirs.
5. Republicans employ exterminators. Democrats step on the bugs.
6. Democrats name their children after currently-popular sports figures, politicians, and entertainers. Republican children are named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the money is.
7. Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking but are not successful. Neither are Republicans.
8. Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don’t.
9. Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper. Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
10. Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car windows by Democrats.
11. Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians, and eyebrows. Democrats raise Airedales, kids, and taxes.
12. Democrats eat the fish they catch. Republicans hang them on the wall.
13. Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel that they’re entitled to a little fun first.
14. Democrats make plans and then do something else. Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
15. Republicans sleep in twin beds–some even in separate rooms. That is why there are more Democrats.
Always There For Me
This woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”
“What dear,” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck…..”
A Teenager Is…
• A person who can’t remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.
• A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.
• A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday.
• Someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.
• A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can’t make a bed.
• A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours studying for her driver’s license.
• A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music–loud and very loud.
• An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.
• A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates the brother.
• A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
• A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
• A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday he suspects the lawn needs mowing.
• An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.
I Want 4 Little Animals
Mama taught her well! You’ve got to love this little girl. What a woman she’ll make.
A teacher asked her class, “What do you want out of life?”
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, “All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says”.
The teacher asked, “Really and what four little animals would that be?”
The little girl said, “A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it.
The teacher got a coughing fit and had to leave the room.
Actual Bumper Stickers
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
• I know what you’re thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
• Don’t drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.
• Elvis is dead, and I’m not feeling to good myself.
• We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
• A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
• Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
• Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
• Beam me up Scotty, theirs no intelligent life down here.
• Beam me up Scotty, this planet sucks!
• Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
• Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
• I souport publik edekasion
• hoket on foniks werked fur me
• Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
• 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
• Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’… till you can find a rock.
• 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
• I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with subatomic particles.
• I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
• Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.
The Job Security Quiz
The job security quiz will help judge how long you’ll end up at your current job and what will become of you.
The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing Tetris at your desk, you…
A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.
B. Inform him that you’re planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.
C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you’ve finished the level.
There’s a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?
A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who’s been working with you.
B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.
C. Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, “Won’t have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock.”
When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?
A. Stay home and watch ‘I Love Lucy’ reruns.
B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.
C. Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.
Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?
A. Listen politely, and then apologize.
B. Blame someone else.
C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you’ve written the word “union.”
When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you…
A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.
B. Key it … then tell the CEO’s secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.
C. Key it … then proudly tell the CEO’s secretary that you did it.
Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid’s fifth birthday party, what do you do?
A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.
B. Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.
C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.
The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you…
A. Clean the office while he supervises.
B. Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.
C. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss’ face.
Scoring this test
Mostly A’s: You have nothing to worry about. They’ll never fire you because you’re a doormat.
Mostly B’s: You’re not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other people’s feelings; you’ll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You’re a real jerk.
Mostly C’s: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he’s
Dictionary Of Dating
ATTRACTION… the act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT… what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
DATING… the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL… avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.
EASY… a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT… a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND… a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE… a woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be “playing hard to get”.
INTERESTING… a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT… what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY… how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC… a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
SOBER… condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
Mike was going to get married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, ‘Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night, in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother and said, ‘Here – try these on.’
She did and said, ‘These are too big; I can’t wear them.’
I replied, ‘Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’
Ever since that night we never had any problems.
‘Hmmm,’ said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, ‘Here – try these on.’
She tried them on and said, ‘These are too large. They don’t fit me.’
Mike said, ‘Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don’t want you to ever forget that.’
Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, ‘Here – you try on mine.’
He did and said, ‘I can’t get into your pants.’
Karen said, ‘Exactly. And if you don’t change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.’
Witty Comebacks To Every Sleazy Pickup Line
1. Excuse me, sir? Are you the moon? Because I need you 238,000 miles away from me.
2. You make me want to go to Hogwarts so I can make you disappear.
3. Oh my God, you’re so funny… Looking.
4. Are we at the rodeo? Because this conversation is bullshit.
5. You look so strong. Why don’t you go take down the patriarchy and heteronormative ideals while I sit over here and watch?
6. Your advances and excess touching and jokes are all so funny, I decided to tell them to my lawyer.
7. You make me think all kinds of naughty things — like where to hide a body.
8. If I had a nickel for every time I heard that line I would throw them all at you.
9. Damn dude, your ego is almost brighter than my future. And these lights.
10. You want to know how I got these guns? Working out, because I’m terrified of violent masculinity.
11. You remind me of 1919, the way I don’t have a say in this.
12. Can I please have 78 percent of the time you’re giving me? Please?
13. You and my bra have something in common: you’re both annoying and make everything less enjoyable.
14. You look like a wonderful piece of meat. You would look great under a butcher knife.
15. You must be a tree — the way I see you and think, leave.
The new supermarket near my house has an automatic water mist-spray to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you go to the bread case, it smells like grandma’s fresh baked bread.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and enjoy the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don’t buy toilet paper there any more.