Friday Fun Stuff – 8-16-24

How NOT To Use A Condom – Mrs Brown’s Boys – BBC

Fire Marshall Bill (Home Safety) – In Living Color

24 Clear Signs You’re a Mom

You know you are a mom when:

1. Instead of running from projectile vomit, you run towards it.
2. You do more in seven minutes than most people do all day.
3. Happy hour has become the 60 minutes between your kids going to bed and you going to bed.
4. A night of drinking requires more recovery time than minor surgery.
5. A glass of wine counts as a serving of fruit.
6. You have mini-therapy sessions all day long with anyone who will listen.
7. Going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.
8. You can experience heaven and hell at the same time.
9. You think of physical pain on three levels: pain, excruciating pain and stepping on a Lego.
10. You have the ability to hear a sneeze through closed doors in the middle of the night, two bedrooms away, while your SO snores next to you.
11. You’d rather have a 103 degree fever than watch one of your kids suffer with it.
12. You’d rather go to sleep than have sex.
13. A 15-minute shower with the door locked feels like a day at the spa.
14. Peeing with an audience is part of the daily routine.
15. You use baby wipes to clean up random spills and the dash of your car.
16. You lock yourself in the bathroom and pretend to have diarrhea just to get a break.
17. You love Moms’ Night Out and Date Night with the Hubs.
18. You have a secret chocolate stash because frankly, you’re sick of sharing.
19. You’ve been washing the same load of laundry for three days because you forgot to dry it.
20. You realize you’ve been watching Nick Jr. alone, even though your kids have been in bed for over 30 minutes.
21. You can cook dinner, breastfeed, talk on the phone and yell at the kids, all without breaking stride or missing any of the TV show you are watching.
22. You get more excited about the Mini Boden Catalogue than J Crew’s.
23. You decide to stick with your car for the next decade because a) you can’t afford to switch and b) you haven’t found a car wash that knows how to get all the milk stains and glitter removed.
24. By the end of the day, brushing your teeth feels like a huge accomplishment.

An Encounter with the Butcher

The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts. A man intended to stock up. At the store, however, he was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so he complained to the butcher lady.

“Don’t worry,” she said, “I’ll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping.”

Several aisles later, he heard the lady butcher’s voice boom over the public-address system: “Will the gentleman who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store.”

How Dogs and Men Are the Same

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what’s bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both like dominance games.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Neither understands what you see in cats.

Doctors Funerals

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The beautiful heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside, forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, “I’m sorry. I was just thinking of my own funeral… I’m a gynecologist.”

The proctologist fainted.

Things You Shouldn’t Say To Someone After You’ve Just Slept With Them For The First Time…

1. What’s your name?
2. We are just friends right?
3. What’s for breakfast?
4. I have a girlfriend
5. You’re so nice.
6. Good job, champ.
7. I’ll call you sometime
8. I hope it doesn’t burn when I pee
9. Left money on the table see your way out
10. So we’re married now?
11. You hungry
12. Where do I leave the cash?
13. My wife will be home in a few minutes
14. I’ve had better!
15. Can you make me a sandwich?
16. Thanks for the quickie. Now hurry up before my wife gets home.
17. Tell your mom to call me!
18. The seed is planted!!
19. You might want to get checked for crabs
20. That was weird
21. Damn girl. I’m glad that’s over
22. Sooooo… that was gross.
23. Meh. Your sister was better.
24. Meh. Your brother was better.
25. I do
26. I’ll call you

The Donkey And The Raffle

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.”

Kenny replied, “Well then, just give me my money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

Kenny said, “OK then, just unload the donkey.”

The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”

Kenny, “I’m going to raffle him off.”

Farmer, “You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!”

Kenny, “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he is dead.”

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, “What happened with that dead donkey?”

Kenny, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.”

Farmer, “Didn’t anyone complain?”

Kenny, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron…

Where’s My Pen?

Lost your pen = no pen
No pen = no notes
No notes = no study
No study = fail
Fail = no diploma
No diploma = no work
No work = no money
No money = no food
No food = you get skinny
Skinny = then you get ugly
Ugly = no lover
No lover = no marriage
No marriage = no children
No children = alone
Alone = depression
Depression = sickness
Sickness = death
Lesson: Don’t loose your pen

When You Have An ‘I Hate My Job’ Day

Try this out:

Stop at your pharmacy, go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Then, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: “Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.”

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, “I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.”

Rules For Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a pizza, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world sex without utilizing a ‘Barrier method’ of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: ‘early.’

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Cysteine Chapel. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Cricket games are okay…Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine

What Goes Around Comes Around.

There’s no joke here, it’s just a cool real life story.

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby! bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.

There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman’s sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

“I want to repay you,” said the nobleman. “You saved my son’s life.”

“No, I can’t accept payment for what I did,” the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer’s own son came to the door of the family hovel.

“Is that your son?” the nobleman asked.

“Yes,” the farmer replied proudly.

“I’ll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he’ll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.” And that he did.

Farmer Fleming’s son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary’s Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the same nobleman’s son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.

What saved his life this time? Penicillin.

The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son’s name?

Sir Winston Churchill.

What goes around comes around.

Walking On Hot Coals Would Be Less Painful