Friday Fun Stuff – 7-10-26

Stormtroopers, But They’re ACCURATE

Mom Commercial

Interesting Insults

• “I’m trying to understand your point of view but my frontal lobe is developed”
• “There goes that frontal lobe clocking out”
• “You should get two paychecks. One for what you’re worth and then another one to bring you back up to minimum wage”
• “I wish I could bottle common sense and prescribe it to you in pill form”
• “And you were the fastest swimmer?”
• “Bet you can tell window brands by taste”
• “You couldn’t pour water out Of a bucket if the instructions were on the bottom”
• “Your birth certificate was an apology letter from the condom factory”
• “It must be so freeing not to be saddled with the burden of comprehension”
• “You make me feel better about my own choices”
• “The strongest thing about you is your breadth”
• “I’m trying so hard to see this from your perspective but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my rear end.”
• “I don’t want argue with you AND have to explain all the big words I have to say”
• “You are about as useful as peddles on a wheelchair”
• “Word to the wise. . . and also to you”
• “Too bas your mom’s jaws were tired that night”
• “The acoustics in your head must be top tier”
• “I wish we were better strangers”
• “Even if I eat a soup with alphabet pasta and I shit it out, I would make a sentence smarter than yours”

Confusing L.A. Weather

L.A. is a very confusing place, only place I know where you can have, simultaneously, a drought and a flood.

Every time you watch the weatherman, he goes, Rained all day, didn’t help the drought.

Back to you, Tom.

I got news for you, folks. If water doesn’t solve your drought, you’re screwed.

Marriage

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge that to let him keep her. – Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together. – Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates

Woman inspires us to do great things, and then prevents us from achieving them. -
Dumas

The great question…which I have not been able to answer…is, “What does a woman want?” – Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. – Anonymous

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” – Henry Youngman

“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.” – Sam Kinison

“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.” – James Holt McGavran

“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” – Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:
1. Whenever you’re wrong, Admit it.
2. Whenever you’re right shut up.
- Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once… – Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. – Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. – Rodney Dangerfield

How Would You Arrest Him?

A police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance.

The “disturbance” turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What’s more, he boasted that he could whip the officer and the “Heavy Weight Boxing Champion of the World.”

Said the policeman, “I’ll bet that you’re also an escape artist too, probably better than Houdini.”

The giant nodded.

“If I had some chains,” the officer continued, “you could show us how strong you really are. But all I’ve got is a set of handcuffs. Why don’t you see just how quickly you can break out of them?”

Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.

“I can’t get out of these,” the giant growled.

“Are you sure?” the officer asked.

The fellow tried again. “Nope,” he replied. “I can’t do it.”

“In that case,” said the officer, “you’re under arrest.”

Online Dating Reality Check

If your gut has ever told you that an online dating site profile you’ve read was full of shit… you were most likely right. Women fudge their profiles big time, but you can stay one step ahead of them by knowing the truth behind what their profiles say.

“Occasional smoker” - If she could fit an entire pack of cigarettes in her mouth, light it on fire, and inhale until her lungs explode… she would. And she would then proceed to spend the rest of her non-smoking time yammering on about how she needs to quit smoking once and for all, and this time she means it!

“Occasional drinker” – She’s the one at parties that spends the first half of the night bent back with a funnel full of 140 proof whisky being tossed down her pie hole; and the second half with her fat and only friend holding her hair back while she projectile vomits into the host’s shower stall.

“I like to have fun” – Means she never has any fun, has no friends or hobbies, and hopes you’re going to introduce her to all of your fun friends and take her to all of your fun parties and events so she can finally have a life.

“I’m goal oriented” – She will tell you every day about her desperate desires for a better job, and complain that she is above her current job, but will never actually get a better job because she enjoys whining about her current pathetic state of affairs too much.

“Looking for a committed relationship” – She is severely insecure and will prove it to you by asking you about every single place you go, person you see and web site you visit, bar none. She would implant a GPS tracking device in your neck if she could… sleep tight!

“Body Size: Average” – The rolls of fat hanging out the sides of her shirt that are remarkably similar in appearance to when you pop open a new pack of unbaked Pillsbury bread sticks “are natural and you’re just going to have to accept them” (along with their ever increasing growth in size).

“Height: Prefer Not To Say”- She’s either troll short with those stumpy little legs swishing together as she walks trying to keep up with you; or so tall that unless you’re Shaq it would be like dancing with a giraffe.

“I am career minded” – Every day she will fill you in on every microscopic, mind numbingly boring, blow by blow description of her monotonous low-paying job in such painstaking detail that you will be rummaging through the closets and drawers for something to hang yourself with.

“Likes to travel” – Everyone loves to travel. But when she says it, it means she enjoyed that trip to Disney Land Florida with her folks when she was twelve. She’ll then drone on about all the places she wants to go to, but never will.

“He must be well off” – She doesn’t in fact make any money herself, but has spectacularly expensive taste and needs someone else to shovel an endless supply of cash her way so that she can explore the deepest and darkest corners of her consumerism fantasies without restraint.

I Knew There Was A Good Reason I Wanted My Wife To Go Back To College

Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-conscious about my advancing years. One morning I complained to my husband that I was the oldest student in my class. “Even the teacher is younger than I am,” I said. “Yeah,” he said optimistically, “but look at it from my point of view. I thought my days of fooling around with college girls were over!”

Quotes On Stuff

Education
• He who can does – he who cannot, teaches. (George Bernard Shaw)
• In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards. (Mark Twain)
• Dublin University contains the dream of Ireland – rich and thick. (Samuel Beckett)
• Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. (Mark Twain)
• Don’t let schooling interfere with your education. (Mark Twain)
• I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like ‘What I’m going to be if I grow up.’ (Lenny Bruce)
• In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn’t have any, they gave you some. (Emo Philips)

Food
• Ice-cream is exquisite – what a pity it isn’t illegal. (Voltaire)
• Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. (Alex Levine)
• I just love Chinese food. My favorite dish is number 27. (Clement Atlee)
• There’s no such thing as a free lunch. (Milton Friedman)

Funerals
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days. (Garrison Keillor)

Lawyers
• The first thing we do, let’s kill all lawyers. (William Shakespeare)
• The only difference between doctors and lawyers is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you, too. (Anton Chekhov)
• It’s not the people who are in prison worry me. It’s the people who aren’t. (Arthur Gore)

Smart Kid

It was the annual homecoming dance at the local high school gym. Most of the young folk were out on the dance floor but a few young men and women lined the sides of the gym, hoping for a dance partner to ask them out onto the dance floor.

After waiting anxiously for quite a while, a rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty senior for a dance.

She gave him the once-over and said, “Sorry, I won’t dance with a child.”

“Please forgive me,” responded the underclassman. “I didn’t realize you were pregnant.”

Rules Of Life

1. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.
2. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: “I apologize” and “You are right.”
3. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
4. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to eat crow while it’s still warm.
5. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, “Go! You might meet somebody!”
6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her. . . believe them.
7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, ‘Will this matter one year from
now? How about one month? One week? One day?’
8. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
11. Work is good, but it’s not that important.
12. And finally… Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

The ABC’s Of Marriage

After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her carefully, then said, ‘You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.’

‘What does that mean?’ she asked suspiciously.

He said, ‘Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!’

She beamed at him happily and said: ‘Oh, that’s so lovely! But what about I, J and K?’

‘I’m Just Kidding!’

(The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctors are fairly optimistic about saving his genitals).

Practice Outside, Perfect It At Thanksgiving