I Don’t Look Good Naked Anymore
Introducing the new, Improved Midlife Barbie:
Now, at long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic…
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
3. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie’s bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.
4. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
5. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too-muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.
6. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
7. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow’s-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
8. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book “Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self” is included.
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, and Ken’s boat.
A Letter From A Farmer, Now At Paris Island
Dear Ma and Pa;
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the GOOD places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically do nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they get warm water in here.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc…, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again! It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.
We go on “route” marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none at all.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.
I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don’t move. And it ain’t shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get into this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof and ma’s teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.
Cowboy: “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.”
Cashier: “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
Cowboy: “Nah… She’s purty good lookin’…..”
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit…………
This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, “Is that Corona or Bud?”
I said, “There’s a tap underneath; taste it and find out.”
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
“Really” she said, “Go on then…try.”
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, “Come on, what day was I born?”
I said, “Yesterday.”
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, “Nice legs.”
The girl giggled and said, “Do you really think so.”
I said, “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.” When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, “I’m sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.” The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, “No, no, I’m sorry, it’s my entirely my fault, today is my first day driving a cab…. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 35 years.”
5 minutes ago you were traveling to your office at 80mph, in your brand new car.
Now you are traveling to the hospital at double that speed in an ambulance.
You just think, if there was an ‘undo’ in life.
You are already late, and your keys are missing.
You just think, if there was a ‘find’ tool in life.
One day you realize that you are turning bald.
You just think, If there was a ‘cut and paste’ in life.
You are bankrupt, after investing in some weird business.
You just think, If there was a ‘rebuild all’ in life.
The train is so crowded that you cannot get anywhere near
that nice girl at the other end of the car.
You just think, If there was a ‘zoom’ & ‘view full screen’ in life.
After marriage you realize that there is bound to be a mismatch
You just think, If there was an ‘evaluation period’ or at least
a ‘sample down load’ or a ‘demo’ version.
That’s Life…………………. TAKE IT EASY
Things You’d Never Know if it Weren’t for The Movies
Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people – whether they are employed or not.
At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry which wire to cut.
You will always choose the right one.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society, and run an applications system that everyone is very familiar with.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
Radiation causes interesting mutations-not to your future children, but to you – right then and there – or, over a period of time until you finally go crazy and kill people.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission, or anything else, at the age of 22.
Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down days before their retirement.
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
During all police investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread and one bunch of carrots complete with leafy tops.
It’s easy to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, makeup never rubs off – even while scuba diving or after fighting alien monsters. But if your overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is just what they happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down.
All women who are not virgins, have large breasts, and/or display them, will be killed in a gruesome manner.
If someone says, “I’ll be right back”, they won’t.
Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always say: Enter Password Now.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. And none of your friends have to knock when they come for a visit.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with and hear the music in your head.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
Reasons To Stay At Work All Night
1. Act out your version of a company takeover.
2. Find a way to change everyone’s password to “chrysanthemum”.
3. Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.
4. Sneaking in the boss’s desk could land you an unexpected promotion.
5. Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the morning, be the first to point out “what a terrible thing that someone did this to such beautiful works of art”.
6. Go into the other gender’s bathroom without fear of being caught.
7. Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will come so you can have someone to talk to.
8. Leave prank messages on the CEO’s voice mail.
9. Finally, a chance to live out a dream and pretend to be your boss.
10. Elevator surfing!
You Know You Are In Southern California If:
• Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
• You make over $250,000 and still can’t afford a house.
• You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
• Your child’s 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, & is named Breeze.
• You can’t remember…is pot illegal?
• You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
• You also know which Brentwood restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
• A really great parking space can move you to tears.
• A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
• Gas cost 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
• A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don’t even notice.
• A woman gets on the bus with live poultry. You don’t even notice.
• You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
• Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
• The gym is packed at 3 PM….on a workday.
• Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S&M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
• It’s sprinkling and there’s a report on every news station about “STORM WATCH 2005″.
• Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe…
1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee.
2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).
7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.
15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
17. Brown’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
18. Oliver’s Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
19. Wilson’s Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
A college student at a recent USC football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his.
“You grew up in a different world,” the student said, loud enough for everyone around them to hear. “Today we have television, satellite positioning, jet planes, and space travel; men have walked on the moon; our spaceships have visited Mars; and we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones, and computers with high-speed processing.”
Taking advantage of a pause in the student’s litany, the geezer said, “You’re right. We didn’t have these things when we were young, so we invented them, you little twit. What are you doing for the next generation?”