Friday Fun Stuff – 6-25-21

Pregnant Women Are Smug By Garfunkel And Oates

How To Survive Wedding Season With Jamie Chung

Idle Thoughts Of A Retiree’s Wandering Mind:

• I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it
• I had amnesia once—or twice
• I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart. Now what?
• Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
• All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy
• If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
• What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
• They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
• Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
• Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
• One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
• My weight is perfect for my height–which varies.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
• How can there be self-help “groups”?
• If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
• Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.
• Is it me –or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Cliff Clavin On Beer (From The Show Cheers!)

‘Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Nutrition And Health

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health.
It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans…

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Dad’s Not Paying For This Modern Shit

Daughter’s text to Dad:
Daddy, I’m coming home to get married soon, so get your checkbook ready.
LOL’ As you now, I’m in Australia and he’s in the US. We met on a dating site, became friends on Facebook, and had long chats on Whatsapp. He proposed to me on Skype and now we’ve had a 2 month relationship through Viber. Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding. Lots of love, Lilly.

Dad’s reply:
My dear Lilly, Like Wow! Really? Cool!
Whatever… I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, register for your stuff on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on Ebay. Lots of love, Dad.

Sayings Of The Jewish Buddha

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.

The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You’ll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself. The Buddha says, There is no self. So … maybe we’re off the hook?

Good Point

If you think you are smarter than the previous generation…50 years ago the owners manual of a car showed you how to adjust the valves. Today it warns you not to drink the contents of the battery.

They Walk Amongst Us

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: ‘Free to good home. You want it, you take it.’
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale – $50.’
The next day someone stole it!
They Walk Amongst Us!

I stopped at Mc Donald’s and ordered some fries.
The girl behind the counter said “Would you like some fries with that?”
They Walk Amongst Us!

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted ‘Look at that dead bird!’
Someone looked up at the sky and said ‘Where?’
They Walk Amongst Us!

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she ‘didn’t think she’d get sunburned because the car was moving’.
They Walk Amongst Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.
She keeps it in the car trunk.
They Walk Amongst Us!

I was going out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, ‘Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!”
I had to explain that a person’s nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.
They Walk Amongst Us!

I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office to report the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. ‘Now,’ she asked me, ‘Has your plane arrived yet?’
(I work with professionals like this.)
They Walk Amongst Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone so the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.
He thought about it for some time then said ‘Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
They Walk Amongst Us!

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a fourth time with the same result.
He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail’s pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
You can’t fix stupid.

Must Be A Pretty Good Engineer

An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of discomfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The Engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, “So, how’s it going down there?”
Satan says, “Hey things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next.”

God is horrified. “What? You’ve got an Engineer? That’s a mistake – he should never have gone down there! You know all Engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! ”

Satan says, “No way. I like having an Engineer on the staff. I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him up here or I’ll sue.”

“Yeah, right,” Satan laughs, “and where are you going to get a lawyer?”

Things You’ll Never Hear A Woman Say

-What do you mean today’s our anniversary?
-Can our relationship get a little more physical? I’m tired of being “just friends”.
-The new girl in my office is a stripper…I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
-That was a great fart! Do another one!
-I’ve decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
-Can we not talk to each other tonight?
-I’d rather just watch TV.
-Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
-I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.
-And for our honeymoon we’re going fishing in Alaska!
-Honey, does this outfit make my ass look too small?
-Dammit, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there.
-Is that phone for me? Tell those fuckers I’m not here.
-That was fun! When will all of your friends be over to watch football again?
-Honey, come here! Watch me do a Body Shot off of my hot friend Stephanie
-I’m tired of cuddling. !
-You’re so sexy when you’re hungover.
-I love it when you play golf on Sunday’s, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
-No, No, I’ll take the car to have the oil changed.
-Your mother is way better than mine.
-I don’t care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
-Hey you, pull my finger!
-Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
-I think hairy butts are really sexy.
-Let’s subscribe to PLAYBOY!
-I’d rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
-Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let’s go to that new strip joint!
-I’m wrong. You must be right again.

See, Your Day Could Have Been Worse

Well, I’m at the emergency room, been here for a few hours now.

Today is not a good day. I decided to go ride horses with a friend. It turned out to be a huge mistake! I got on a colt and started out slowly, but then we went a little faster; before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. The horse made a sudden jerk and reared up, and I couldn’t hold on. I fell off, and my foot got caught in the stirrup. The horse kept bucking and running and was dragging me. It wouldn’t stop.

Thank goodness the manager of Walmart came out and unplugged the machine. But then he had the nerve to take the rest of my quarters so I wouldn’t attempt to drive the Batmobile.

First Day Back At Work