Mrs. Brown’s Sticky Situation
Office Space With Michael Bolton
Deep Observations On Life
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather–who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children.”
3) “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
4) “The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.”
5) “If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.”
6) “Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”
7) “My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, “Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’”
8) “A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”
9) “Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God…. I could be eating a slow learner.”
10) “I think that’s how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’”
11) “If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”
12) “Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.”
13) “My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.”
14) “Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?”
15) “Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.”
16) “Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress… But I repeat myself.”
17) “Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan.”
–A. Whitney Brown
18) “You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”
THESE ARE ACTUAL NEWSPAPER ADS!
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.
FREE PUPPIES… Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.
FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat … been out a while…better be a reward.
NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIAPEACHES, California grown – 89 cents lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.
(AND THE BEST ONE):
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.
Darwin Awards Mottos IIII
The Award people are dying to get – John Cray
When the world is made to be idiot-proof, the world will become overpopulated with idiots. - Mark Twain
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make them all yourself.
Robert D Johnston
Sinking the cue ball on the gene pool table. -Blair Cooper
There’s a fine line between bravery and stupidity. –Tom Blue
In the ongoing battle between airplanes and the ground, the ground has yet to lose.
I like my thumbs. – Alan C.
Better to do something and fail, than to do nothing and succeed. – T Morrison
A high IQ doesn’t make up for a lack of common sense. – Flyn Falcon
Evolution: Taking care of those too stupid to take care of themselves. -Aille McGraw
To be or not to be… – William Shakespeare
The line between genius and madness is very fine. – George Barns
Out of billions of opportunities, these sperm were the best? – Tommy Helllie
‘Splat’ happens! – Sam Christian
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. –
Unknown Member of the 82 Airborne
It’s not the fall that kills you, it’s the sudden deceleration syndrome. –Chris Cobb
Death comes to all men, but some just can’t wait. –Doug Tohmpson
Where there’s a fool, there’s a way. -K. Koch
I support evolution! And they can have my opposable thumbs when they pry them from my cold, dead hands! – Alyssa Stone
You’re only depriving some poor village of it’s idiot. - Sophia James
It’s only funny until someone gets hurt… then it’s hilarious! – Bob Barker
Life is too important to be taken seriously! - I. Batterbury
They sunk because they hadn’t thunk. – Unknown member of the Coast Guard
Is this the best we can be? – Nathan E.
Remember, half of the people you know are below average. Natural selection is merely attempting to decrease that proportion. – Beth March
Where the ignorant meet their logical conclusions. – Jan Warren
American vs. French Recycling
An American is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: “You American folk eat the whole bread??”
American (in a bad mood): “Of course.”
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) “We don’t. In France, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states.” The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The American listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: “Do you eat jelly with the bread??”
American: “Of Course.”
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
“We don’t. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states.”
After a moment of silence, The American then asks: “Do you have sex in France?”
Frenchman: “Why of course we do”, he says with a big smirk.
American: “And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?”
Frenchman: “We throw them away, of course.”
American: “We don’t. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France.”
MEDICAL EXAMS (UNCLASSIFIED)
1. A man comes into the ER and yells; “My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!” I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs —and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.”
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient’s two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. “Which one?” I asked. “The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!” I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, “How long have you been bedridden?” After a look of complete confusion she answered…”Why, not for about twenty years – when my husband was alive.”
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, “So how’s your breakfast this morning?” “It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste” the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly.”
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, “Keep off the grass.” Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said, “Sorry, had to mow the lawn.”
Submitted by RN no name
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, “I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?” She replied, “No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, “I wish I
was an Oscar Meyer Wiener”.
Dr. wouldn’t submit his name
School Excuse Notes
These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:
1. My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea direathe the runs.
12. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wears.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
22. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, “What brings you in today?” I looked at her, and said, I’m interested in buying a refrigerator. She didn’t quite know how to respond.. Am I getting to be that age?
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can’t afford one. So I’m wearing my garage door opener.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people
didn’t like me anyway.
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it ‘Pumping Rust’.
When people see a cat’s litter box they always say, ‘Oh, have you got a
cat?’ Just once I want to say, ‘No, it’s for company!’
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, ‘An ambulance.’
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.
As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.
Birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car.
The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘Theirs…’
Some people try to turn back their “odometers.” Not me. I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Through His Computer Out The Window Already!
To my darling Husband,
I am sending you this e-mail from a bogus software company address so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives two years ago.
The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good but yours was excellent! The chair and the back of your head are very realistic. You would be very proud of him.
Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with her on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.
I am also doing well. I went blond about a year ago and was delighted to discover that it really is more fun! Lars, I mean Mr. Swenson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.
I have discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you don’t mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last Spring. I’m not sure if you noticed it. I made sure the painters cut air holes in the drop cloth so you wouldn’t be disturbed.
Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle Lars, Mr. Swenson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there will be packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away. She’ll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup, and bring meals to your desk, – just the way you like it. I hope you and the PC have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jen and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.
Relationship Q & A
- Answers written by kids-
Q. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
– Alan, age 10
Q. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
– Camille, age 10
(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
– Freddie, age 6
Q. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
– Derrick, age 8
Q. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don’t want any more kids.
– Lori, age 8
Q. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
– Lynnette, age 8
(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
– Martin, age 10
Q. WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
– Craig, age 9
Q. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
(1) When they’re rich.
– Pam, age 7
(2) The law says you have to be at least eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
- – Curt, age 7
(3) The rule goes like this…If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
– Howard, age 8
Q. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1) I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out.
– Theodore, age 8
(2) It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
– Anita, age 9
Q. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
– Kelvin, age 8
Q. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like crap.
– Ricky, age 10
YES, I’M A SENIOR CITIZEN!
I’m the life of the party…… even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I’m very good at opening childproof caps… with a hammer.
I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a thing you’re saying.
I’m very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over…
I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I’m so cared for — long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
I’m not really grouchy,
I just don’t like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Jenny Craig and Toyota commercials, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can’t seem to remember right now.
I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
I’m wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that’s just my left leg.
I’m having trouble remembering simple words like…….
I’m beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.
I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?
I’m wondering, if you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?
I’m a walking storeroom of facts….. I’ve just lost the key to the storeroom door.
Yes, I’m a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!
Now if I could only remember who sent this to me?