Friday Fun Stuff – 7-22-22

A Song About Online Dating – Boomer Stoop

When You Try to Torture a Woman

Shit Defined

Dogshit – Very poor quality
Bullshit – Not true
Horseshit – Nonsense
Apeshit – Rambunctious
Batshit – Insane
Funnyshit – When something happened that’s so fucked up it makes you laugh

And You Thought Han Solo Was A Badass Before You Realized This

Han Solo showed up on Vader’s death star hours after Alderaan was destroyed.

On his ship he eventually carried: Vader’s son, Vader’s daughter, Vader’s astromech, the protocol droid Vader built as a kid, the wookie who saved Ahsoka’s life, and literal Obi-Wan Kenobi back from the dead.

Vader must have been very “who in the Mustafar was that fucker in the vest?!”

Then something like a day later he sneaks up on Vader (one of the greatest pilots the galaxy has seen) in what is essentially a heavily modified 18-wheeler and shoots him in the ass.

Animal Truisms

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

Cat’s motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

Although cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

Dogs may shed, but cats shred.

Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful

I had to get rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.

I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?

If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.

In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.

Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?

When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

I’ll Do Anything!

A 71 year old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar

Suddenly a gorgeous 19 year old girl enters and sits down a few seats away.

The girl is so attractive that he just can’t take his eyes off her

After a short while the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: “I’ll do anything you’d like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I’m game. I want 100 dollars, and there’s another condition”.

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.

She replies, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman

He then whips out his wallet and puts 10 ten-dollar bills in her outstretched hand.

He then looks her square in the eye, and says slowly and clearly:

“Paint my house.”

Crime = Idiots = Don’t Pay!

Investigating a purse snatching, Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief’s description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an I.D. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted, “Yeah, that’s the woman I robbed.”


In Nashville, they tell of Fred “Bubba” Johnson, the burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police.


In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldn’t get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money. Frustrated, he whipped out his gun, but it wouldn’t fire. Grabbing the cash register, he ran — but got only three feet before falling down. The register was still plugged into the wall… Unplugging it, he tried again, but a regular diner decked him and called police.


In Rhode Island, cops were sure they had the right guy when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts proceeded to pay his $400 bail…entirely in quarters.

Stranger yet….

Texas authorities, responding to a store robbery, seized a man who was fleeing naked. When asked about his choice of attire, he said he’d stripped after the job because he figured his clothes would make him identifiable.

In the Heartland…

Lawrence, Kansas – Officers tracked a midnight thief who prided himself on his running speed by following the red lights on his high-tech tennis shoes.

And Finally…

In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid I.D. in a 7-Eleven robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said “Cedar Woods Apartments” and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front.

The Last Hotel Room

Late one evening a Marine pulled into a little town, only to find that every hotel room was taken.

When he finally got to the last hotel, he pleaded to the manager, “You’ve got to have a room somewhere, or just a bed, I don’t care where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him, “I’ll take it.”

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

“How did you sleep?” asked the manager.

“Never better.”

The manager was impressed

“No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

“Nope, I shut him up in no time,” said the Marine.

“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained.

“I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and after that he sat up all night watching me…”

Differences Between A Republican And A Democrat

A Republican and a Democrat are going out fishing in a old boat. They aren’t very far from shore, when the Democrat notices that the boat has a leak and is slowly taking on water. After some quick calculations, the Democrat says, “Look, the boat is sinking, but I think if we start bailing now, we can make it back to shore in 20 to 30 minutes.” The Republican responds, “No! Let’s head out to deeper water so we can spend that 30 minutes fishing!”

A Republican, a Democrat, and a Dude are sitting at a table with a dozen cookies.
The Republican takes 11 cookies, leans over to the Dude and says, “Watch out for the Democrat! He’s trying to steal your cookie!”

“The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work and then they get elected and prove it.

When something goes wrong:
The Dems ask, “How can we fix it?”
The Repubs ask, “Who can we blame?”
There is the difference.

“Back in 2000 a Republican friend warned me that if I voted for Al Gore and he won, the stock market would tank, we’d lose millions of jobs, and our military would be totally overstretched. You know what? I did vote for Al Gore, he did win, and I’ll be damned if all those things didn’t come true!” – James Carville

The definition of a republican is someone who, when you are drowning 20 feet from shore, will throw you an 11 ft rope and say they met you more than halfway.

The Teacher Conducted An Experiment For Her Students

Four worms were placed in four separate test tubes:
1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water

The next day, the teacher shows the results:
The 1st worm in beer, dead.
The 2nd in wine, dead.
The 3rd in whiskey, dead.
The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?

And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine, and whiskey, does not have worms.

You Might Be A “High Tech Redneck” If….

- your email address ends in “”
- you connect to the web via “Down Home Page”
- your bumper sticker says “My other computer is a laptop”
- your laptop has a sticker that says “Protected by Smith & Wesson”
- you’ve ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cell phone
- your baseball cap reads “DELL” instead of “CAT”
- your computer is worth more than all your cars combined
- your wife said “either I go or the computer goes”…and you still don’t miss her
- you’ve ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster for your beer (yes these good old boys still use CD-ROM’s)
- you refer to your computer as “that good ol’ gal”
- your screen saver is an image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal
- you start all your emails with “Howdy, y’all”
- your spell-checker knows words like “Reckon”, “Yonder”, and “Y’all”
- your cars sit in the yard because your garage is full of dead CPU’s
- your belt buckle is made from a 3.5″ floppy drive
- your computer beep is (insert farm animal sound here)
- your active newsgroup list includes alt.animal.husbandry
- hay has been found inside your laptop carrying case
- you have caught yourself coaxing a slow speed machine with cluck sounds, kiss sounds or giddyup
- your bookmark list includes EquiVet, net-vet, or the OSU agriculture page

Why Girls Want To Be Mermaids:

1. No pants
2. No periods
3. Perfect hair
4. You get to lure men to their deaths


That Doesn’t Make Me Old? Does It?
That Doesn't Make Me Old Does It
A Magazine Real People Need…Just Before All Magazines Go Out Of Business
A Magaziene Real People Need...Just Before All Magaziens Go Out Of Business
I Need An Alaska King For What They Have In Wyoming
I Need An Alaska King For What They Have In Wyoming
FINALLY! I Get My Own Action Figure!
FINALLY! I Get My Own Action Figure!
I’m Sure That’s What They Meant
I'm Sure That's What They Ment
Why Would You Even Need That?
Need, No, Want, Yes!
Why Would You Even Need That Need, No, Want, Yes!
It’s Too Dangerous Too Land In The Cities, Lets Land In The Country Where There Are Less People
It's Too Dangerous Too Land In The Cities, Lets Land In The Country Where There Are Less People
Well That Will Work
Well That Will Work
I’ve Met A Lot Of Adults Who Still Need To Read This Book
I've Met A Lot Of People Who Still Need To Read This Book
You Know Its True
You Know Its True

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