Friday Fun Stuff – 6-13-25

“SHAPE OF YOU” – ED SHEERAN PARODY | FATHER’S DAY SONG

Teachers At The End Of The Year: The 7 Stages of Breakdown

Childhood Dreams, Revised For Adulthood

Childhood Dream: Be rich.
Adult Revision: Know what a dividend is.

Childhood Dream: Live in a mansion.
Adult Revision: Live next door to someone who doesn’t own a leaf blower.

Childhood Dream: Stay up all night.
Adult Revision: Go to bed at 9:30 PM without needing a podcast to suppress your thoughts.

Childhood Dream: Play in the NBA.
Adult Revision: Walk past a game of pickup basketball. When the ball rolls to your feet, throw it far enough that it makes it over the fence.

Childhood Dream: Become a fashion icon.
Adult Revision: Remember to wax your toe hair before you put on sandals.

Childhood Dream: Eat candy all day.
Adult Revision: Suck on a Werther’s without feeling a cavity coming on the moment its hard caramel hits your teeth.

Childhood Dream: Travel the world.
Adult Revision: Talk about traveling the world.

Childhood Dream: Save the world.
Adult Revision: Get angry at humanity while watching a documentary, then fall asleep.

Childhood Dream: Rule the world.
Adult Revision: Google pictures of corgis.

Childhood Dream: Go to space.
Adult Revision: Find a quiet space in your house and do nothing.

Childhood Dream: Marry a movie star.
Adult Revision: Be the first of your friends to remember the name of that actor who was in that movie before anyone can look it up on their phone.

Childhood Dream: Have the power to fly.
Adult Revision: Have enough upper body strength to do the monkey bars.

Canadian Humor

A small Canadian man, was sitting at a bar in Toronto when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Canadian, he hits him on the neck, knocking him to the floor.

The big, burly Yank says, ‘that’s a karate chop from Korea.” Well, the little Canadian gets back on his bar-stool and resumes drinking his beer.

The burly American then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Canadian, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. That’s a judo chop from Japan”, he says.

The little Canadian decides he’s had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly American sitting at the bar, He walks up behind him and whacks him on the head, knocking him out cold.

The Canadian says to the bartender, “When he wakes up, eh, tell him that was a fucking hockey stick from Canada!”

Increasingly Obvious Titles for Young Adult Thrillers

• Good Girls Don’t Murder, But I’m Morally Ambiguous
• Everyone in This Book Is a Liar, Especially Me
• We Can’t Both Be Telling the Truth, But It’s Me, the Narrator… Or Is It?
• The Dead Can Keep a Secret but the People Who Know These Secrets Are Not as Dead as It Might Have Seemed at the Onset of the Book
• I Didn’t Kill Jillian, Per Se, But I Am Indirectly Responsible for Her Death and While It Haunts Me, I Am Still a Redeemable Character
• Three Out of Seven of the Characters Are Killed So If the Killer Was Taking a Killer 101 Class He’d Have a 43 Percent and Be Put on Academic Probation
• Don’t Forget That Facial Reconstruction Exists
• Don’t Forget That Twins Exist
• Don’t Forget That This Is a Part of a Series and We Can’t Wrap Up Too Much
• Gone Girl But with Kids
• My Family Is Evil and I Am Too, But in a Good Way
• The Girl in the Red Coat Is Actually Several People Wearing Different Red Coats Because It’s Not That Hard to Find Red Coats
• The Author Is an Adult, So Sure, the Slang Is Going to Feel Weird
• Don’t Worry, the Old Racist Guy Gets Impaled, So All This Language Is Okay

Fifty Shades Of…..Reality!

It was late, the kids were finally tucked up, in bed.
I was just about to sit down, exhausted, when I heard the door open. There he was, sweaty and disheveled from the 6am start and the 2hr commute home. He looked at me with that look — the ‘it’s-been-three-weeks-I-don’t-care- how-hairy-your-legs-are” look. I glanced briefly at the TV realizing there was no escaping his wanting gaze. He came over and started to pull the dinner smeared, baby vomit encrusted shirt off me. We embraced, and ignoring the pain of the rogue Lego pieces beneath our feet, we stumbled past the two piles of washing to the bedroom. Somehow, we found ourselves on the bed, almost naked, wearing nothing but our socks. Wow,
it looked like this might actually be happening, and I found myself strangely excited by the idea. I pushed all thoughts of our winter gas bill and the fact we had no bread for breakfast to the back of my mind. And then it happened, the kids were not asleep! They had merely lulled us into a false sense of security lest we think for a moment that we had some semblance of a love life. With a resigned sigh, my Fifty Shades of Sexually Frustrated began to pull on his target pajama bottoms and inside out t-shirt, and tended to the screaming child, as I decided that I’d better make a run to the supermarket for, that bread…..

Interview Questions For Potential Employers Who Refuse To Reveal the Salary

The job description mentioned “complimentary fruit.” Could you please elaborate?

As in, what fruit are we talking about?

Just apples, bananas, and an occasional nectarine?

Would you consider branching out into, say, mangoes and pomegranates?

Who oversees the fruit bowl?

What qualifications or previous experience do they have in fresh produce procurement?

Do you have the budget for pineapples at this time?

Is the role purely office-based, or would you consider a hybrid model? Ideally, I’d work from home for the most part and come into the office when I’d like to stock up on fruit.

Can you tell me about the team?

Sorry to interrupt—I don’t care about their roles, personalities, or families. I’m trying to find out if they’re greedy fruit goblins?

Uh huh. And do you think Jeff would be interested in my mangos, pomegranates, and/or pineapples?

Would you consider letting Jeff go?

What if he was found to be mismanaging company fruit?

Is there somewhere we can put the fruit bowl that would be inaccessible to Jeff?

I see from the job description that you have other “perks,” one being activity days. For those who’d rather do literally anything over kayaking with apple accumulator Jeff, can we instead be left alone in the office with a luxury fruit hamper?

I’m glad you said no because it makes more sense for the hamper to be delivered directly to my apartment, no?

Where do you see the company’s complimentary fruit scheme in five years?

As in, are we talking about personalized fruit platters or a fruit farm with a limitless supply?

Have you seen that fruit charcuterie boards are a thing?

Could I get one of those on a bi-weekly basis?

Would you like to know my current fruit-based compensation package?

Finally, before I commit to taking another day off (unpaid) from my current role for a 6th stage interview with you for a job that may or may not pay a living wage, could I try a piece of fruit now to test the quality?

Please?

How Much Would You Have Given Him?

Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill.

I’m worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again. My relief was short-lived.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me!!! Now everyone’s attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do????

The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and went home.

Security Questions Updated For The Modern Age

• What was your signature quarantine cocktail?
• What is your favorite meme?
• What was the first company to ghost you after a job interview?
• How much student debt did you incur while pursuing higher education?
• How much medical debt did you incur during your most expensive trip to the hospital?
• What is the name of your worst Tinder date?
• What color would you paint your house if you had money to buy a house (and also to paint it)?
• Who is the person you went to high school with who recently attempted to recruit you for their “all-natural skincare” pyramid scheme?
• How many nervous breakdowns did you have between the years 2016 and 2023?
• How many nervous breakdowns do you anticipate yourself having between the years 2024 and 2031?
• What is your first guess on Wordle?
• How many children do you know named Liam?
• What is one of your carefully crafted tweets that you feel didn’t get the attention it deserved?
• Which of your family members is now a part of MAGA?
• Who is your least favorite Kardashian?
• In what year do you expect to become a climate refugee?
• What is your favorite TV show to have playing in the background while you stare at your phone for six hours without blinking?
• What is your favorite social media app to doom scroll while you unsuccessfully attempt to watch a TV show?
• What is your favorite cryptocurrency?
• How many wildfires have you fled as of December 31st, 2023?
• How many children would you choose to have if it was affordable to have any children at all?
• What is your favorite vape flavor?

The Penis Study

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man’s Penis was larger than the shaft. After I year and $180.OOO, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,OOO and 3 years of research. they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The Irish, unsatisfied with those findings. conducted their own study. After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.46. and many pints of beer. They concluded that it was to keep a man’s hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.

Victorian-Era Erotic Magazine Titles

• Wrists Illustrated
• Medicine-Ball Men
• Ringlets Weekly
• Knees!
• Hats Off Magazine
• Shapely Vials & Beakers
• Mutton Chop Lads
• Barely Regal
• Men on Cliffsides
• Full-Frontal Waistcoats
• Forbidden Cheekbones
• Bad Bonnets Weekly
• Pin-Up Butlers
• Erotic Bows & Curtsies
• Bathing Gowns Monthly
• Bonnie, Bonnie Foreheads
• Naughty Neckerchiefs
• Desperate Dowagers
• X-Rated Jawlines
• Men Without Monocles & Escorts in Ascots
• Hardcore Floral Arrangements
• Sexy Table & Piano Legs
• Ma’am Magazine
• Under the Frock, Over the Petticoat
• Bathing Gowns Monthly: Flannel Edition

Well That Makes Perfect Sense

I needed to do the laundry, but then I realized I was out of detergent, so I went to write a shopping list and realized how unorganized the junk drawer was, and started checking pens for ink. When I went to toss all the junk. I saw that the trash was full but before I took it out I wanted to get rid of old food in the fridge. That’s when I realized a juice jug had leaked so I needed to clean it up but when I went to grab a rag, I saw that the pantry closet was a nightmare so I started organizing it.

And that’s how I ended up on the floor looking at my old photo albums from 1990′s and not doing laundry.

This Ones Actually True, I’ve Seen The Movie