Things You Should Actually Do With Your Old Confederate Flag
01. Cut it into cute, colorful doggy poop bags.
02. Use it to line your cat’s litter box.
03. Tear it into handkerchiefs to use when you have swine flu. Then burn the handkerchiefs immediately.
04. Cut it into strips to use as extra toilet paper in the powder room at your plantation.
05. Keep one in the back of your toilet tank to reduce water usage.
06. Use it to clean your toilet so your hands don’t get dirty.
07. Use it as a rag to clean up counters and surfaces after your “Ding Dong The Flag Is Gone” party.
08. Sew it into a Katniss Everdeen-style gown that catches on fire when you walk into a room.
09. Use it as an oil rag to service your truck.
10. Wad it up and shove it down your garbage disposal to check the blade strength.
11. Wad it up and shove it into a tree mulcher to check the blade strength.
12. Make it into a chainsaw-target and use it to test the blade strength.
13. Fold and stuff it into a scarecrow for scaring away literally everyone, including all birds and other sentient beings.
14. Spray it with pesticides and cover it with dirt to keep away slugs.
15. Tie the corners and use it as a garbage bag.
16. Tie the corners and use it as a bag to put all the other Confederate Flags in before you put them in the garbage dump.
17. Burn it as fuel for a garbage fire if you work at a garbage dump.
18. Burn it as fuel for a bon fire when you go camping.
19. Use it in your classroom for a history lesson…if the power goes out and you need to burn something as fuel.
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I’ve used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
Well, one thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well, the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative.
Then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go — I have to write to the Hefty Bag people.
Sign displayed in a Texas restaurant:
If your steak is too tuff please put your hat on & leave — This ain’t no place for wimps!
One waitress to another: “Wait until you hear what they’re calling that week-old stew today.”
Once in North Carolina I ordered half of a fried chicken. When it still wasn’t brought to the table in a half hour, I asked what the hold-up was.
The waitress said, “We can’t kill half a chicken, you’ll have to wait until someone orders the other half.”
My Grandson is somewhat of a picky eater. I asked at Thanksgiving dinner if he wanted any stuffing.
He replied, “No thanks Pop-Pop, and I don’t see why the turkeys eat it either.”
Talk about having second thoughts upon choosing a place to eat. I went into this place in Abilene Texas and said to the waitress, “I’m so hungry, I could eat a horse.”
She smiled, handed me a menu and replied, “Well… you’ve come to the right place.”
I went to a fancy restaurant in New York and asked the waiter if he had any suggestions.
He said, “Don’t wear that color tie with that suit.”
People who eat out frequently will notice like I did — the bigger the pepper mill, the worse the restaurant.
Then there was the cook who told the waitress to push the soup du jour because it was a week old.
I’m not saying it wasn’t a good restaurant or anything, but the “Catch of the Day” was fish sticks.
We’ve all stopped in places that didn’t look all that clean. I was traveling to a meeting with a fellow named George. He promptly decided that all he wanted was coffee and told the waitress to make sure the cup was clean.
A few minutes later she came back with our coffee and said, “Which one of you wanted the clean cup?”
The Way Women Think
Husband’s Text Message to wife
Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects.
Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.
You Know Your Life Is BAD When…
• A black cat crosses your path and drops dead
• You develop a split personality and they’re both schizophrenic
• Your shrink bills you for treating each of your personalities
• You realize only your enemies think you’re paranoid
• The candles on your birthday cake set off the smoke alarm
• You’ve it done & seen it all, but can’t remember most of it
• Your Doctor says you’re not a hypochondriac after all
• Your mechanic is on parole for car theft
• The secretary you’ve been hot for is a male cross-dresser
• You have to take out a loan to get money for a down payment
• Your children’s school calls to surrender
• Your bride’s family throws rocks instead of rice at you
• Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map
• All your modeling jobs are for cartoonists
• Your Rice Krispies begin talking to you at breakfast
• The voices in your head start arguing with the Rice Krispies
• You have to tip waiters before they serve you
• You receive an invitation to appear on the Jerry Springer Show
• Your Passport Photo actually flatters your true appearance
• You get tired resting
• You can’t remember where you put your winning lottery ticket
• The ACLU calls and asks if you want them to represent you
• You take an assertiveness training class but you’re afraid to tell your wife
• The Genealogist you hired is at the front door…He’s with the FBI and the DEA
This sounds so much like our present situation in our County Government! The State Auditor has come in with a team of auditors to help straighten out the mess! This e-mail helps me laugh at the situation–because I guess we are typical of American Management, in general.
A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed.
The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Management Audit Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate the loss and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and one person rowing.
So American management hired a consulting company and paid them an incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. Even new paddles and medical benefit incentives were promised for a winner. We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.
The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as bonuses.
My Hometown Was So Small…
the clinic was called Joe’s Hospital and Grill
long distance calls are delayed when the area code is busy
the town Lady of the Evening stands under a flashlight
in order to paint traffic lines, the road had to be widened
instead of hoses, the Fire Department uses water pistols
you had to make a reservation to use the parking meter
during snowstorms, salt was spread using a salad shooter
the local Motel 6 sleeps three
during a boxing match, both men have to sit in the same corner
the class valedictorian had both the highest & lowest averages
the Mayor was also the Sheriff, Town Council & street sweeper
the municipal water system’s pump was supplied by Water Pick
before you visited, you could look out a window & see who was home
there was no town idiot — everybody had to take turns
it’s built on a one-way street
It did have a town aquarium… with a live anchovy
They gave me the key to the city and everyone changed their locks
there was a yearly town newspaper
the last headline in the paper was: “Town Pigeon Mugs Town Squirrel”
The Baskin Robin’s has only one flavor of ice cream
It didn’t have a hospital… we used a first aid kit
It was a strict town… you need a prescription to buy a malted
it was very dull… one day the tide went out & never came back
For fun on Saturday nights, we’d bob for prunes
We didn’t have a bank… as soon as anyone got enough money, they’d leave
there’s nothing doing every minute
second street is in the next town
the ZIP code was a fraction
We may be in more trouble than we imagined.
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, “Does the sun rise in the North?” When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, (and has always done so since creation), she shook her head and said, “Oh, I don’t keep up with that stuff.”. . . . She also votes!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, “The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.” He responded, “Is that Eastern or Pacific time?” Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, “Uh, Pacific.” . . . He also votes!.
So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but “didn’t think she’d get sunburned because the car was moving”……..Yep, she also votes!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It’s designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk . . . . . . My sister also votes!
My friends and I stopped to purchase a couple cases of Coca Cola for a party and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount . . . . He also votes!
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, “Wouldn’t the chain rip out every time she turned her head?” I explained that a person’s nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. My friend also votes!
My wife and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub shop last week and she asked the clerk which of two sandwiches was better. The clerk didn’t have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was more expensive. My wife got a quizzical look on her face and asked, “If that’s the case, why are they both listed with the same price on the menu?” To this, the clerk responded, “I don’t think we add tax to the turkey.” The clerk also votes!
This one is a real ‘clinger’…….
I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the lady attendant there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. “Now,” she asked me, “has your plane arrived yet?” Yep, she is another one that also votes!
True Or False
Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn’t have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it’s from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in “An Officer and a Gentleman” and “Tootsie.”
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren’t added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
SEE BELOW FOR THE ANSWERS…..
They are all true….Now go back and think about #16
Ways To Get Kicked Out Of WalMart
-Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.
-Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bed and Bath department.
-Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
-Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
-When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”
-Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
-Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
-Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
-Put a box of tampons in a random young man’s basket when he’s not looking.
-While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
-Switch the men’s and women’s signs on the doors of the restrooms.
-Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from “Mission Impossible.”
-Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.
-In the auto department, practice your “Madonna” look with various funnels.
-Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like “pick me!! pick me!!” and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.
-When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices again!”
-Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
-Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they don’t realize it.
-Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
-Go into the dressing room and yell real loud “Hey, we’re out of toilet paper in here!”
-Hold a box tightly. if people at walmart look at you, clutch the box to your chest and say, “Mine.”
-Hide inside the clothing racks, and when someone begins to look through the racks, stick your head out and say, “Do you mind?”
-Stand in the freezer with a sign that says “Do not thaw until 3000 A.D.”
-Go to the checkout line and page yourself. Slip away, then come back 5 minutes later, saying you were paged. Repeat until you’re told to leave.
-Stick price stickers to yourself and lay on the conveyer belt. When asked what you’re doing, say, “I got hungry and ate all my food.”
-Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
-Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
-Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him “Where are your tampons?”
-Try on bras over top of your clothes.
-Make a trail of lemonade on the ground, leading to the restrooms.
-While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible “I smell sex and candy”
-Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in housewares,” and see what happens.
-Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off with the volume controls set at full.
-Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
-Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
-Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from the other aisles.
-Put a bottle of shampoo on layaway.