Betty Boop – “Ha Ha Ha” – 1934
MAFIA Valentine Cards
My love for you… it came and went.
So your feet are now in wet cement.
I’m here To fulfill your fondest wishes
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.
Lie down with me — it’s my final offa,
Or you’ll be lying wit’ Jimmy Hoffa.
I picked up this card from a slim selection
But that’s all they offer here in witness protection.
Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.
Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass;
So please be mine, Valentine, or I’ll have to whack your ass.
Violets are blue, roses are red,
I blew up your car — So why ain’t you dead?
The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look
You’d bear a son, and now that’s done, So shut your mouth and cook!
Youse da greatest. Youse da best.
But you’re as untouchable as Elliot Ness.
Lust is fleeting, true love lingers.
Be mine always and you’ll keep your fingers.
Hope da chocolates is good, but y’know, dis ain’t really what a guy’s heart looks like.
When a goon makes you die,
Cuz you told him goodbye — that’s amore!
College Application Essay
This is an actual essay written by a college applicant, when applying to NYU where he now attends.
3A. ESSAY IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:
ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat . 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all.
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have s ex once a year.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. Ever since I’ve been pregnant, I haven’t been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you’re doing with them.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause you’re fatter then they are.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A. So what’s your question, dork?
Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
Give Me The Good News
A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat…
Says He: “I’m sorry honey but I’m up to my neck in work today”
Says She: “But I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you dear.”
Says He: “OK darling, but since I’ve got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?”
Says She: “Well, the air bag works…”
Rejected Public Holidays
12 Casual Sex Friday
11 False Labor Day
10 Make a Move on Your Secretary Day
9 Hallmark Card Day
8 Bring Your Handgun to Work Day
6 Deadbeat Father’s Day
5 Bad Hair Day
4 Put Your Daughter To Work Day
3 Doris Day
2 St. Hooter’s Day
And the Number 1 Rejected Public Holiday…
1 Hash Wednesday
How To Shower
Like A Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband looking, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah Scrunchie and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband looking once again, cover up any exposed areas.
Like A Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the ‘woo-woo’ sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of enclosure or door not closed properly the whole time.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the ‘woo-woo’ sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
Sure Signs That You’re Broke!
1. American Express calls and says: “Leave home without it!”
2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
3. You’re formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
4. You’ve rolled so many pennies, you’ve formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
5. Long distance companies don’t call you to switch.
6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
7. You rob Peter…and then rob Paul.
8. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
9. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
10. Your bologna has no first name.
11. You give blood everyday…just for the orange juice.
12. Sally Struthers sends you food.
13. McDonald’s supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
14. At communion you go back for seconds.
While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them. Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”
Thoughts From Women About Being A Woman
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. * Helen Hayes (at 73)
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrow. * Janette Barber
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. * Carrie Snow
Old age ain’t no place for sissies. * Bette Davis
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. * Charlotte Whitton
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. * Caryn Leschen
Whoever thought up the word “Mammogram”? Every time I hear it, I think I’m supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. * Jan King
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. * Jennifer Unlimited
I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb and I’m also not blonde. * Dolly Parton
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. * Laurie Kuslansky
I think – therefore I’m single. * Lizz Winstead
You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It’s plucking your eyebrows. That’s how I originally got pierced ears. * Geri Jewell
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. * Elayne Boosler
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. * Maryon Pearson
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. * Gloria Steinem
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home who answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night. * Marie Corelli
If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? * Linda Ellerbee
Rent A Boyfriend
SILVER ($75 + a plate)
- two hours at dinner
- matching outfits
- tell a few jokes
Gold ($150 + a plate)
- three hours at dinner
- cute backstory on how we met
- details about what I do for a living
- call your dad “pops”
Platinum ($350 + a plate + a to-go plate)
- all day
- tell you I love you in front of the whole family
- kiss your mom on the cheek
- help clean up after dinner