I Love Lucy – Vitameatavegamin
• Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
• Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.
• Are your parents siblings?
• As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
• Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
• Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
• Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
• Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you’d had enough oxygen at birth?
• Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?
• Don’t you have a terribly empty feeling – in your skull?
• Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
• Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?
• Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!
• Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It’ll only take 10 seconds.
• Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
But Don’t You Want Me To Walk With You?
I was walking home last night and decided to take a short cut through the cemetery.
3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk along with me.
I told them “I understand…I used to get freaked out too when I was alive.”
Never seen anyone run so fast
Grocery List Of The 1%
Spicy Caviar Doritos
Lobster-Flavored Filet Mignon
1855 Bordeaux Concentrate
Truffle Oil Body Lubricant
Mink Toilet Paper
Egyptian Cotton Paper Towels
Bottled Holy Water
If Feeling Generous
Canned Maid Food
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, “Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand …and try saying things like ‘yes, I see,’ and ‘yes, go on,’ and ‘I understand.’…”
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, “Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying, ‘No shit? What happened next’?”
I Want To…But…
I’m sandblasting my oven.
I’m worried about my vertical hold.
I’m going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
I’m being deported.
The grunion are running.
I’ll be looking for a parking space.
My Millard Fillmore Fan Club meets then.
The monsters haven’t turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
I’m taking punk totem pole carving.
I have to fluff my shower cap.
I’m converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
I’ve come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
My plot to take over the world is thickening.
I have to fulfill my potential.
I don’t want to leave my comfort zone.
It’s too close to the turn of the century.
I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
My subconscious says no.
I’m giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
I left my body in my other clothes.
The last time I went, I never came back.
I’ve got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
I have to answer all of my “occupant” letters.
None of my socks match.
Hilarious Staff Meeting:
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.
The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.
10. Viagra, whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, the quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, we bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your peepee… This is your peepee on drugs.
My Town Is So Tough…
• Hotels ask your name, address and next of kin to register.
• Ice-cream trucks play “taps”.
• Gun shops have “Back to School” sales.
• High school newspapers have obituary columns.
• Restaurants serve broken leg of lamb.
• Most people in bowling alleys bowl overhand.
• Schools require a sick note to be co-signed by a parole officer.
• Christmas pageants feature the three Wise Guys.
• Advice columns provide hints like how to get blood off of a chain saw.
• Our 911 emergency service has a two day waiting list.
• “Honor students” practice saying, “Yes, your honor” and “No, your honor”.
• Mothers give their kids $5 every day for the holdup man.
• Forgery 101 and Advanced Counterfeiting are required subjects.
The Perfect Prank
When my little brother turns twenty one I will take him to a bar and get him wasted till he passes out.
While we are at the bar I will have a team working on his bedroom. They will be painting his walls white, pulling all the stuff out of there, tiling his floor to make his room 100% like a hospital. Then they set up the hospital bed, heart monitor, curtain, etc. Once I hear the room is done, I will put him in my car and drive to a professional make-up artist to put him in an old man mask and other stuff to cover his body.
I will get myself an old man mask and others for his friends and our other brother. Once we are all set we will all dress up as old people, put him in his realistic old man suit, then we’11 put him in the hospital bed, and hook him up to a bunch of different machines.
Here is the waiting of my plan, we will wait for him to wake up.
We will then tell him a story about he drove home that night. He got in an accident and was in a coma for fifty years.
We will see how long it takes him to figure it out.
Plus, his reaction will probably be priceless.
Top Ten Things The Candidate Doesn’t Want To Hear On Election Day
10. ‘What? The election is today?’
09. ‘You need to sober up for your concession speech’
08. ‘You’re running for office? That’s hilarious!’
07. ‘There he is. Get him!’
06. ‘Your wife and your mistress are both here to see you’
05. ‘You’re losing the red states and the blue states, but you’re doing okay in the lesser-known yellow states’
04. ‘If pets are allowed to vote, I think we have a shot at this thing’
03. ‘The only endorsements we’ve got: Rudy Giuliani and Andrew Cuomo
02. ‘Asteroid! Run for your lives!’
01. ‘Your ex-wife, Line 1′
Why You Should Never Leave Your Kid With Your Brother
Waitress asks my daughter what “Would you like?”
Daughter says, “I want to devour the unborn.”
Waitress looks at me and I say, “eggs, she wants eggs.”