Graham Chapman’s Funeral
No Monty Python would go out any other way.
Top 10 Amish Pick-up Lines
10. Are thee at barn-raisings often?
9. If our religion didn’t forbid the use of telephones, I would ask thee for thy number.
8. Can I buy thee a buttermilk colada?
7. You’ve really got the build for that plain bonnet and shapeless black dress.
6. Say, my favorite movie is “Witness” too!
5. Are thee a model?
4. There are so many phonies at these quilting bees. Let’s go someplace quiet.
3. They buggy has a bitchin’ lacquer job.
2. I got Sinatra tickets.
1. Are thee up for some plowing?
A chicken farmer goes into a local tavern, takes a seat at the bar next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”
He turns to her and says, “What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I’m celebrating.”
“This is a special day for me, too, and I’m also celebrating,” says the woman.
“What a coincidence,” says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, “What are you celebrating?”
“My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant!”
“What a coincidence,” says the man. “I’m a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally fertile.”
“That’s great,” says the woman. “How did your chickens become fertile?”
“I switched cocks,” he replies.
“What a coincidence,” she said.
You Can’t Cure Stupid
Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
‘We don’t have half dozen nuggets,’ said the teenager at the counter.
‘You don’t?’ I replied.
‘We only have six, nine, or twelve,’ was the reply.
‘So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?’
‘That’s right.’ So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true…)
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those ‘dividers’ that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the ‘divider’, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, ‘Do you know how much this is?’
I said to her ‘I’ve changed my mind; I don’t think I’ll buy that today.’
She said ‘OK,’ and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM ‘thingy.’
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. ‘Do you need some help?’ I asked.
She replied, ‘I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?’
‘Hmmm, I don’t know. Do you have an alarm, too?’ I asked.
‘No, just this remote thingy,’ she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, ‘Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk….’
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, ‘I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?’ ‘Just use paper from the photocopier’, the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five ‘blank’ copies.
Brunette, by the way!!
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, ‘I just gave him some ant killer……’
Dispatcher: ‘Rush him in to emergency!’
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid!!!!
My Last Trip To Costco
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle’s butt and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won’t let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said
5. The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your nursing home one day
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
‘TAKE TWO ASPIRIN’ AND ‘KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN’!!!!!
• College: A place where papa pays and son plays.
• Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die rich.
• Nurse: A person who wakes you up to give you sleeping pills.
• Marriage: It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
• Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.
• Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through “the minds of either”
• Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
• Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
• Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
• Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
• Father: A banker provided by nature.
• Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
• Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
• Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.
• Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.
• Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
• Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
• Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
• Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
• Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
• Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
• Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
• Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise after death.
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn’t need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man…
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die…
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.”
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever!
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs
Very Eloquently Put Don’t You Think?
Maxine on “Driver Safety”: “I can’t use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures”
Maxine on “Lawn Care”: “The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless.”
Maxine on “The Perfect Man”: “All I’m looking for is a guy who’ll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed.”
Maxine on “Technology Revolution”: “My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice.”
Maxine on “Aging”: “Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita.”
“The only two things we do with greater frequency in old age is urinate and attend funerals.”
“The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.”
“To err is human; to forgive, highly unlikely.”
“Do you realize that in about forty years, we’ll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels?” (Now that’s scary!)
“Money can’t buy happiness–but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia.”
“After a certain age, if you don’t wake up aching somewhere…you may be dead.”
Why Are You Here
Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam.
Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.
The waiting room was filled with patients. As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
I gave her my name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
“YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man.
But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
“NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”
The room erupted in applause!
DON’T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!!!