Scooby Doo Is A Bad Guest – Mitchell and Webb
Life Lessons I Have Learned From Watching Movies & TV
1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of the year.
3. It’s easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.
5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and
you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
7. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
8. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note – just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
9. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
10. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
11. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
12. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
13. All single women have a cat.
14. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
15. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to
attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
16. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
17. Dogs always know who’s bad and will naturally bark at them.
18. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
19. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
20. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
In order to protect my concentration and sanity I have decided to implement a door policy:
Door Open: Very welcome to knock and come in, yes I would love to have a chat!
Door Closed: Please do not knock at my door or come in unless you have urgent business*. I am extremely easily distracted, and I will talk to you until the end of time instead of writing my dissertation.
Never: Come in without knocking.
*List of things that are urgent business:
- The building or someone is on fire
- You’re bringing me coffee
- There is a dog
Senior Texting Codes
Since more and more seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).
ATD: At The Doctor’s
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
SCGU: Shit! Can’t Get Up
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh Migawd! sorry, Gas.
ROFL…ACGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing…And Can’t Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WATT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
A German girl married a Spanish man and went to Spain. She can’t speak Spanish. So, each time she wants to buy chicken legs, she would lift her skirt and show her thighs to enable the seller understand her.
This went on for some time.
One day she wanted to buy banana. So, she took her husband to the shop.
Listen first you dirty minds.
Because her husband speaks Spanish very well
What did you think I was going to say?
Stop Talking Shit
Insults and comebacks to respond the people who talk SHIT!
• How long did it take you to come up with that one?
• I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than that.
• I don’t argue with idiots, they will just lower me to their level then beat me with experience.
• I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up my ass.
• It’s pointless to make fun of you because it will take you the rest of the day to figure it out.
• It’s scary to think that people like you are allowed to vote.
• Think before you talk. Do you even listen to the things that come out of your mouth?
• Were you held back a grade two?
• Wow, you’re even dumber than you look.
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.
“Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.
The art collector replied, “You know, I’ve had an awful day, Jack, so let’s hear the good news first.”
The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million, and I think she could be right.”
Saul replied enthusiastically, “Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman, isn’t she? You’ve just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”
The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you and your secretary.”
The Best Smart Ass Answers
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
‘Would you like dinner? the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
‘What are my choices?’ John asked.
‘Yes or no,’ she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.’
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ‘ Do these turkeys get any bigger?’
The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead…’
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’
The truck driver says, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.’
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. ‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter se xual exhaustion?’
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’
For English Language Lovers
What is the difference between ‘Completed’ and ‘Finished’?
No dictionary has been able to define the difference between ‘Complete’ and ‘Finished.’ But in a linguistic conference in England, Sun Sherman an Indian American, was the clever winner.
His response: When you marry the right woman, you are ‘Complete.’ If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘Finished.’ And when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are ‘Completely Finished.’
His answer received a five-minute standing ovation.
The Things I Owe My Parents!
1. My Parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside… I just finished cleaning.”
2. My Parents taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3. My Parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
4. My Parents taught me LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”
5. My Parents taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing & break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
6. My Parents taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
7. My Parents taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
8. My Parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper”
9. My Parents taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
10. My Parents taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
11. My Parents taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
12. My Parents taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
13. My Parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
14. My Parents taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”
15. My Parents taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
16. My Parents taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”
17. My Parents taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when you get home!”
18. My Parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
19. My Parents taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
20. My Parents taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
21. My Parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
22. My Parents taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”
23. My Parents taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
24. My Parents taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
And my favorite:
25. My Parents taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”
How Did You Die?
There were three people approaching the gates of heaven, but there was only one place left.
The gatekeeper asked the first man what happened to him because the one with the worst death would go in.
The first man said:
“Well, imagine this. I expected my wife was having an affair, so I got home early to surprise her.
I found her in the bathroom with a towel around her so I knew she wasn’t having a shower I searched the apartment and found 10 fingers hanging from the window sill. So I started bashing away at them. When he fell, God must have loved him, because he lived. So I threw a refrigerator at him. After all the excitement I died of a heart attack.”
That’s horrific said the gatekeeper, he asked the second man how he died and he said.
“Well, imagine this. I was riding one of those stationary bikes on the top of our apartment building, but it went wrong, I fell down and grabbed someone’s windowsill. Then some idiot started bashing at my fingers then I fell, but God must have loved me because I lived. Then out of nowhere a refrigerator plunged down at me.”
The gatekeeper said that is too horrific.
He asked the third man how he died and he said.
“Well I was naked in this refrigerator…”