Friday Fun Stuff – 5-29-26

Lord And Lady Douchebag – SNL 1980

What The Hell Is That? – SNL

Admit It You’ve Done One Of These

1) Walked into a room, forgot what you needed, walked out, and then remembered.
2) When you were younger, drew the sun in the corner of the paper
3) When you Were Little, thought the shape of a real heart was actually “❤”
4) Closed the fridge door really slow, just to see when the lights went off.
5) Tried to balance the light , between the ON & OFF

A Marine’s Love Letter

A Marine stationed overseas received a “Dear John”
Letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love,
Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had
collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note:

Dear Becky, I’m so sorry, but I can’t quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

And God Created Cat

On the first day of creation, God created the cat.
On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.
On the third day, God created tuna, mice, and all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat.
On the fifth day, God created the ball of yarn, the feather thingie on a string, and the catnip mouse so that the cat might or might not be amused.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but the cat woke him up at 5:00 AM.

At Least Some Of Them Are Good

Do you ever look at all your kids and think…
That one will be dropping me curbside at the nursing home.
That one will be paying for it.
That one will visit me the most.
And that one he’ll be sneaking in the good tequila and Twinkies.

Evening Classes For Men

Starting next month.
Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each. Sign up early and get a discount on registration.

1. HOW TO FILL ICE-CUBE TRAYS.
Step by step with slide presentation.

2. TOILET PAPER: DOES IT GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion.

3. DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY BASKET AND THE FLOOR.
Practicing with hamper. Pictures and graphics.

4. THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: DO THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among panel of experts.

5. LOSS OF VIRILITY: LOSING THE REMOTE CONTROL TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER.
Help line and support groups.

6. LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.
Open forum.

7. HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
Power Point presentation.

8. REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
Real-life testimonial from the one man who did.

9. IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation.

10. LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE.
Role playing.

11. HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

12. REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE.
Bring your calendar or PDA to class.

13. GETTING OVER IT. LEARNING TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME.
Individual counselors available.

WHISKEY WILL BE SERVED!!!!

Ordering A Modern Day Pizza

Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?

Customer: Hi, I’d like to place an order.

Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir.

Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it’s 6102049998-45-54610.

Operator: Thank you Mr. McNaughton. I see you live on Glenforest St., and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566. Email address is douglasmcn@home.net. Which number are you calling from sir?

Customer: Huh? I’m at home. Where’d you get all this information?

Operator: We’re wired into the HSS, sir.

Customer: The HSS, what is that?

Operator: We’re wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.

Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I’! d like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas.

Operator: I don’t think that’s a good idea, sir.

Customer: Whaddya mean?

Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you’ve got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won’t allow such an unhealthy choice.

Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?

Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I’m sure you’ll like it.

Customer: What makes you think I’d like something like that?

Operator: Well, you checked out ‘Gourmet Soybean Recipes’ from your local library last week, sir. That’s why I made the suggestion.

Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.

Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids. Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.

Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.

Operator: I’m sorry sir, but I’m afraid you’ll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.

Customer: I’ll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.

Operator: That won’t work either, sir. Your checking account is overdrawn also.

Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I’ll have the cash ready. How long will it take?

Operator: We’re running a little behind, sir. It’ll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you’re in a hurry you might want to pick’em up while you’re out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward.

Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?

Operator: It says here you’re in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo’ed. But your Harley’s paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.

Customer: Well, I’ll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#

Operator: I’d advise watching your language, sir. You’ve already got a July 4, 2003, conviction for cussing at a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge. Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?

Customer: (speechless)

Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?

Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2-liter of Coke.

Operator: I’m sorry sir, but our ad’s exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this.

Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.

Senior Dating In Florida

You can say what you want about Florida, but you never hear about anyone retiring and moving up north.

These are actual ads seen in ”The Villages” Florida newspaper.

FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty in her 80’s.
I’m slim, 5’4′ (used to be 5’6′), Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt, a plus.
—————————————————-
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband.
Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.
Dizziness, Fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
—————————————————-
SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.
If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
—————————————————-
WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth, seeking a dedicated flossier to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
—————————————————-
BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
—————————————————-
MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.
And A favorite

MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form

Dear [____rejectee’s name here_____] I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

[Check all those that apply]

___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

___ Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald’s reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms by the truckload” indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.

___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can’t GET into my pants.

___ Your “Putting on a few, aren’t you babe?” comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate.

___ You failed the credit check.

___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___ The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.

___ You still live with your parents.

___ You mention your ex-girlfriend’s name more than you mention mine.

___ Three words: size does matter.

Sincerely, [Your name here]

Telemarketing Repellent

1. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
2. Say “no” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
3. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends, would you be my friend?”
4. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout…”
5. If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?”
6. Ask them to repeat everything they say several times.
7. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Ken, playing a joke. “Come on, Ken, cut it out! Seriously, Ken, how’s your mom?”
8. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
9. When the salesperson asks, “Is this the homeowner?” say, “Is this the salesperson?” And when they say, “Yes,” hang up.
10. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their home phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The telemarketer will agree and you say, “Me either!” Hang up.

What Does “AH” Stand For?

A Motorcycle officer stopped a motor a man who ran a red light.

The guy was a real jerk, demanding, “Why am I being harassed by the Gestapo?”.

The officer calmly told him of his violation.

The man erupted in a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry and sexual orientation in explicit terms.

The officer took it in stride saying nothing. When, he finished writing the citation he put “AH” in corner and then handed it to the man to sign.

The man demanded to know what “AH” meant.

The officer stared straight into his eyes and said, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you were such an asshole!” and returned to his cruiser.

The violator’s bad record meant that he would lose his license, so he hired a hotshot attorney to represent him.

The defense attorney called the officer to the stand and asked, “Officer is there any particular marking on this citation you don’t normally make.”

“Why, yes, sir, there is. Near the bottom there’s an underlined ‘AH’”.

What does ‘AH’ stand for, officer? Aggressive and hostile sir”.

“Aggressive and hostile”

“Yes, sir.”

“Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand for Asshole?”

The officer grinned, “Well sir, you know your client better than I!”

I Don’t Know, She Makes Me Shut My Eyes