The Mary Tyler Moore Show – Laugh for Chuckles
• It’s not my job to make you feel like a man. I can’t make you something your not!
• I once asked a girl, ‘Where have you been all my life?’ and she responded, ‘I don’t know, but I wish I was still there.’”
• “I’m lonely, not desperate.”
• “You’re a conversation starter. Not when you are around, but once you leave.”
• “I envy the people who haven’t met you.”
• “I bet your parents change the subject when their friends ask about you…”
• “I’d say you’re ‘dumb as a rock,’ but at least a rock can hold a door open.”
• “My days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle.”
• “If you were the light at the end of the tunnel, I’d turn back around.”
• “I’d give you a nasty look, but you’ve already got one.”
• “I find the fact that you’ve lived this long both surprising and disappointing.”
• “If I throw a stick, will you leave?”
• “You are the reason why shampoo has instructions.”
• “Somewhere, somehow, you are robbing a village of their idiot.”
• “You’re impossible to underestimate.”
• “You should carry a plant around with you to replace the oxygen you waste.”
• “Mister Rogers would be disappointed with you.”
• “I don’t have the patience or the crayons to explain this to you…”
• The fastest way I’ve found to end a fight is by just saying, ‘First off: Brush your teeth.’”
• The simple Southern go-to: “Oh, bless your heart.”
And the classic
• “…I thought I smelled your foul stench when I was brought on board”
A Nun At Hooters
Believe it or not this one is actually clean.
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation, and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’ Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
When the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’
‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
The nun went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me, just because I went to the restroom?’
‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender. ‘Would you like a drink?’
‘No, thank you. But I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.
‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?!
Even More One-Liners
1. Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
2. Look out for #1. Don’t step in #2 either.
3. Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
4. Car service: If it ain’t broke, we’ll break it.
5. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
6. Do witches run spell checkers?
7. Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
8. Dain bramaged.
9. Department of Redundancy Department
10. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
11. All computers wait at the same speed.
12. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
13. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
14. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
15. If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!.
16. Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
17. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
18. When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
19. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
20. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
21. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
22. Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
23. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
24. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
25. Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Air Traffic Control…Southern Style
Atlanta ATC: “Tower to Saudi Air 911 You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R.”
Saudi Air: “Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel’s runway 9R – Allah be Praised”
Atlanta ATC “Tower to Iran Air 515 — You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R.”
Iran Air: “Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel’s runway 9R. Allah is Great”
Saudi Air: “ATLANTA ATC – ATLANTA ATC”
Atlanta ATC: “Go ahead Saudi Air 911?”
Saudi Air: “YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE.
Atlanta ATC: Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y’all be careful now and tell Allah “hey” for us — ya hear?
I Knew It Was Over When…
I knew it was over on our second date when he threw his legs over his shoulders and proudly lit a thunderous fart on fire with a lighter. —Tiff
Aftermath: Ended shortly thereafter, for obvious reasons. The white ball of flame was impressive, though.
We were making out, and suddenly we had to stop. He looked over at me and said in that stupid, gruff, three-pack-a-day voice of his, “I wish we had more time…and a condom.” We had barely been dating three days. —Lily
Aftermath: I broke up with him probably two days later. (He sucked at kissing too.)
As I drove her home, she suddenly looked at me in terror and said, “I’m so sorry!” which was promptly followed by the sound of her full bladder erupting all over my passenger seat.
— one unfortunate guy
Aftermath: Oddly enough, I didn’t feel compelled to ask her out again.
A big man walked up to my fiancé and told him to stay the f**k away from his wife.
Aftermath: He denied the affair initially, but then dumped me on the eve of my 30th birthday. I was visiting him abroad, so he put me up in a hotel while I waited for my flight home. I upgraded to the penthouse and ordered lots of room service to at least stick him with a big bill.
I drove 140 miles to console her over getting a ‘B’ on a graduate school exam even though I was terribly ill. During the night she woke me to tell me my breathing was bothering her and could I go sleep on the couch? —Andy
Aftermath: Four months later, she told me that she sat rocking in a chair and crying all afternoon because she felt all of her friends liked me more than her and she wanted to be the ‘star’ of the relationship.
She was always teasing me with a 3-way, with another girl. But, when she came home with her new best girlfriend, they had no interest in me.—Ricky
Aftermath: Divorced 6 months later.
He called me from out of the country and told me that he knew I was in a grocery store. And he wanted to know who I was shopping with (a male friend who had a car). Turns out his friends saw me and called him to tell him what I was doing.—Lindsey
Aftermath: I found out that he was an international drug dealer, living under a different name, was married, and had 5 children by 5 women…all at age 26.
I’ve heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children’s-oriented iPod after realizing that “iTouch Kids” is not a good product name.
Idiots On TV
ACTUAL ANSWERS GIVEN ON FAMILY FEUD
(I will admit some of them have a certain logic, but I don’t think it’s logic I would use.)
Name something a blind person might use – A sword
Name a song with moon in the title – Blue Suede Moon
Name a bird with a long neck – Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch – A burglar
Name a famous brother & sister – Bonnie & Clyde
Name a dangerous race – The Arabs
Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers – A horse
A kind of ache – Fillet ‘O’ Fish
A food that can be brown or white – Potato
A jacket potato topping – Jam
A famous Scotsman – Jock
Another famous Scotsman – Vinnie Jones
Something with a hole in it – Window
A non living object with legs – Plant
A domestic animal – Leopard
A part of the body beginning with ‘N’ – Knee
A way of cooking fish – Cod
Something that flies that doesn’t have an engine – A bicycle with wings
Something you might be allergic to – Skiing
Name a famous bridge – The bridge over troubled waters
Something a cat does – Goes to the toilet
Something you do in the bathroom – Decorate
Name an animal you might see at the zoo – A dog
Something associated with the police – Pigs
A sign of the zodiac – April
Name something that floats in the bath – Water
Name something you wear on the beach – A deckchair
Name something Red – My cardigan
Name a famous cowboy – Buck Rogers
Name a famous royal – Mail
A number you have to memorize – 7
Something you do before going to bed – Sleep
Something you put on walls – Roofs
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude the hypnotist explained: “I’m here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
“I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch.
It’s been in my family for six generations.”
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…”
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
“SHIT!” said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude was never invited back
Questions To Ponder
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world “up over”?
Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish-washing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
Daylight savings time – why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
What was the name of Old Spice when it was new?
Why You Shouldn’t Laugh At People
While I was out shopping today, I tripped in the store, a woman saw this and wouldn’t stop laughing.
So, I smiled and said, “Sorry it’s been awhile since I possessed a body”.
She looked horrified.