Friday Fun Stuff – 1-1-16

The Worst New Year’s Party Ever

‘SNL’ 40th Anniversary Special Show Highlights 2015

New Years Resolutions You Have No Chance At Keeping

When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL, LMAO, or ROTFLMAO!”
Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes
I will try to figure out why I “really” need 5 Facebook accounts.
I resolve to work with neglected children… my own.
Lose 20 pounds by going to the gym!
I will stop using, “So, what’s your URL?” as a pickup line.
I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.
I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.
Spend less than $1000 for coffee at Starbucks this year.
Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine
Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again.
I will stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures even when I’m not in them
I will think of a password other than “password”

New Year’s Resolutions You Can Actually Keep

Read less.
I want to gain weight.
Put on at least 30 pounds.
I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store
Stop exercising. Waste of time.
Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.
Watch less T.V. in standard definition
Gain enough weight to get on The Biggest Loser.
Watch more movie remakes.
Procrastinate more.
I will become a vegan for a day and subsequently learn that it was a missed steak.
I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.
Drink some more.
Stop buying worthless junk on EBay, because QVC has better specials
Start being superstitious.
Spend more time at work.
Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!

Funny New Year Quotes

How you elect to spend New Year’s Eve will depend on your:
1. age
2. remaining levels of optimism
3. threshold of pain
- Joseph Connolly

Every New Year’s I have the same question: “How did I get home?”
- Melanie White

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
- Bill Vaughan

On New Years, just remember: if your cup runneth over, you’ve probably reached your limit.
- Melanie White

My new year’s resolution is to get better at pretending to know the words to Auld Lang Syne.
- waitwait ‏@waitwait

New Years parades have a lot in common with Santa Claus. Nobody is awake to see either one of them.
- Melanie White

Every New Years I celebrate making it through another holiday season without killing my relatives.
- Melanie White

My new years resolution is not to shovel snow. Since I’m gonna be in Florida, I feel pretty good about it.
- Greg Tamblyn

New Year’s Eve, when auld acquaintances be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.
- Jay Leno

Heartwarming Miami tradition: Asking people not to shoot guns into the air on New Year’s Eve.
- Dave Barry

Wait a second, there’s ANOTHER year? I have to do it all over again???
- Jake Vig ‏@Jake_Vig

I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It’s a nice reminder of what I did all year.
- Bridger Winegar @bridger_w

I like New Years. The confetti covers up my dandruff.
- Melanie White

The first week of January, gyms and yoga classes everywhere are packed with people who made new years resolutions to tone up. It’s like sardines in there. Big sardines. But they’re all gone by February.
- Anonymous

Every New Years I resolve to lose 20 pounds, and I do. The problem is that I gain 30.
- Melanie White

My brother’s New Year’s resolution is to move out of my parents house. You’d think after 49 years he’d try another one.
- Wickedwordslinger ‏@StephenBCramer

I think it’s great to make your first date a New Year’s party. That way, you’re at least sure you’ll get to first base.
- Melanie White

My grandparents had resolutions like donating more time & money to charities. I’ve decided to make my own coffee once a week.
- Erica ‏@SCbchbum

This New Years I’m going to make a resolution I can keep: no dieting all year long.
- Melanie White

Women get a little more excited about New Years Eve than men do. It’s like an excuse: you drink too much, you make a lot of promises you’re not going to keep; the next morning as soon as you wake up you start breaking them. For men, we just call that a date.
- Jay Leno

My New Year’s resolution is to eat better, so from now on, I’m going to only date guys who can afford to take me somewhere other than McDonalds.
- Melanie White

If you make a New Year’s resolution to eat a healthy diet, and you keep it, you won’t actually live longer, but it will seem longer.
- Greg Tamblyn

Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.
- Bill Vaughan

This New Years I resolved to lead a better life. Now all I have to do is find someone who will trade lives with me.
- Melanie White

May you find the strength to write, “Who is this?” to all the strange numbers that text you “Happy New Year!” tonight.
- Damien Fahey ‏@DamienFahey

Who has time to party on New Year’s Eve? It takes me all evening to set my clocks ahead a year.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAde

New Year’s Eve One Liners

• A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
• My new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
• New Year’s Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper.
• My New Year’s resolution is 1080p
• I’m getting drunk just thinking about tonight.
• If you’re born in September, it’s pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a Bang!
• If 2015 was a person, I’d sue him for pain and suffering and lost wages.
• This New Year’s I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.
• You don’t have to wait until midnight to see my balls drop.
• People treat New Year’s like some sort of life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow.
• I’ll remember 2015 like it was yesterday.
• Dear Luck, …..can we be friends in 2016 Please?
• May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions.
• I hereby resolve not to catch fire while riding a flaming hoverboard….again.
• Dear God, my prayer for 2016 is a FAT bank account and a THIN body. Please don’t mix it up like you did this year.
• I want to get so drunk that if vampires bit my neck they’d get a Bloody Mary.
• Remember you can reset your resolutions on January 14th (Orthodox New Year) and February 8th (Chinese New Year). After that, even I can’t help you.
• I wanna kiss you on December 31st from 11:59 pm to 12:01 am, so I can have an amazing ending to 2015 and a beautiful beginning into 2015.
• Many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Year’s Eve. DIGNITY is not one of them.
• I’m planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in 2016.
• Just heard that in 2016 there will be a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it’s called alcohol.
• My New Year’s Resolution is to break my New Year’s Resolutions….That way I succeed at something!
• Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn’t drinking enough of it.
• New Year’s is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don’t want you reusing last year’s calendar.
• I’m actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
• My 2016 resolution is for everyone else to gain the 50 pounds I refuse to lose.
• It’s officially New Year Eve, you only have a couple of hours to do all the things you will resolve not to do in the new year.
• There have been many times in 2015, when I have annoyed you, disturbed you, irritated you, and bugged the hell out of you….today I just wanna tell you I plan to continue in 2015

Resolutions for Pets

10. Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.
9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the butts.
7. Funny Gerbil: Don’t let them figure out I’m just a rat, or they’ll flush me!
6. Bite that freak who gives me that shot every year.
5. Grow extra thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is enough.
4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd – December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
2. Find out if the garbage collector is stealing our stuff.
1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it leave the human’s hand.

This New Year, I Will No Longer:

• Run while juggling knives
• Skateboard down a hill when my board has no wheels
• Play baseball with a hand grenade and a loaded rocket launcher
• Pillow fight with a bag of spare change
• Beat the school’s biggest bully in the fist with my face
• Talk with my mouth full of nails
• Drink paint thinner while smoking a cigarette
• Play with matches at a gas station
• Try to perform stunts with my car on the local bridges
• Throw my friends into the trunk of my car
• Play “Chicken” with local freight trains
• Set my hair on fire with hairspray and matches
• Cause global warming single handedly
• Shower while making toast on the edge of my bathtub
• Audition for “Jackass” every week
• Wear a bacon costume and tease the dancing bear
• Eat chocolates (I totally swear!!)
• Send “funny” images of “epic fails” and “LOLCats” via SMS or chat to someone who I am currently talking on the phone with
• Tell my friends the same story (the one with the cow and the purple Snuggie that stopped being funny 8 years ago) every time we get together
• Spend as much time worrying about life, but rather worry about the reasons why I feel compelled to stop worrying
• Consider the feelings of others when they obviously don’t care about mine
• Try to hold onto the floor when I am clearly drunk and it is holding me
• Try to remember if it is drink 13 or 14 that clearly gets me wasted
• Consider apple martinis part of my “daily fruit intake”
• Drink and drive, as I’m sick of running over speed bumps and spilling my beer in the car
• Consider second and third breakfasts real meals

How did I survived this whole year?

Dreams, Dreams…

Emily was taking an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve. After she woke up, she confided to Joseph, her husband,

‘I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?’

‘You’ll know tonight,’ answered Joseph smiling broadly.

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Joseph approached Emily and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled:

‘The meaning of dreams’.

Funny New Year’s Resolutions

• New Years Resolution: To catch up on my resolutions for 2O12, 2O13, and 2O14..!!
• New Years Resolution: get rich or cry tryin
• My goal for 2014 is to accomplish the goals of 2013, which I should have done in 2012, because I promised them in 2011 and planned them in 2010.
• It’s time to renew that gym membership we’re never going to use again.
• My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.
• My New Year’s resolution is to never tell you what the person looks like who you kissed on New Year’s.
• I hope one of your New Year’s resolutions is to stop tagging me in New Year’s photos.
• My resolution is to spend more time avoiding my family.
• My resolution is to get healthier while still destroying myself with alcohol and Chocolate.
• This year, I’m just making one New Year’s resolution: Stop making resolutions. My only other resolution is to quit breaking my resolutions.
• Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average which means, you have met your New Year’s resolution.
• I will stop peeping into my boyfriend’s female friends profile on Facebook.
• You will be a little bit older, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser. Happy New Year!

“The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.” ~ P. J. O’Rourke

Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to. – Bill Vaughan

The Toddler Diet

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don’t get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don’t get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there’s the new Toddler Miracle Diet.

Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck!!!

DAY ONE Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.

Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Half tube of “Pulsating Pink” lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

DAY THREE Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

When Science Goes Bad

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer’s backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA’s response was just one sentence, “Thaw the chicken.”

Home Remedies

It is always important to have a plan of action ready in case an unfortunate event occurs at home. Here are some helpful tips that could really help out…

1. If you are chocking on an ice cube don’t panic. Simply pour a kettle of freshly boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid argument with the missus about lifting toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. High Blood pressure sufferers: Make an incision in your left or right wrist and bleed yourself for several hours, reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough

7. Avoid the mess when your toilet backs up, use the yard.

Of course we don’t recommend you actually use any of these remedies, they are for humor purposes only.

I’m There!
I'm There!
So Am I!!!
So Am I!!!
Well That’s What Matters To Me
Well That's What Matters To Me
If Animals Made New Year’s Resolutions
If Animals Made New Year’s Resolutions
Too Much Reality
Too Much Reality
I Mean Realistic Achievers
I Mean Realistic Achievers
I’d Go
I'd Go
Oh, Here It Is
Oh, Here It Is
I Wasn’t Counting On It
I Wasn't Counting On It
No Matter How Many New Years You’ve Had, There Always Good To Watch
No Matter How Many New Years You've Had There Always Good To Watch

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