Friday Fun Stuff – 6-28-24

If Disney Cartoons Were Historically Accurate

Paul Lynde As A Drunk Clark Kent with Dean Martin

Actual Questions That Librarians Have Been Asked

These are actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian library reference desk workers of various levels.

• Do you have books here?
• Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?
• Do you have a list of all the books I’ve ever read?
• I’m looking for Robert James Waller’s book, Waltzing through Grand Rapids. (Actual title wanted: “Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.”)
• Do you have that book by Rushdie: ‘Satanic Nurses’? (Actual title: “Satanic Verses.”)
• Where is the reference desk? (This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had hanging above her head a sign saying Reference Desk.)
• I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?
• Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hairdryer?
• Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites?
• Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?
• I need a color photograph of George Washington (Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, etc.)
• I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington’s birth certificate.
• I need to find out Ibid’s first name for my bibliography.
• Why don’t you have any books by Ibid? He’s written a lot of important stuff.
• I’m looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I’m having trouble with it in my neck.
• Is the basement upstairs? (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk.)

Designated Decoy

One night a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone else left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”

As I’ve Matured…

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in…

I’ve learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I’ve learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more screwed up than you think.

I’ve learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I’ve learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I’ve learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you’re finished.

I’ve learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I’ve learned that ex’s are like fungus, they keep coming back.

I’ve learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I’ve learned that I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I’ve learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I’ve learned that 99% of the time when something isn’t working in your house, one of your kids did it

I’ve learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and
all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

I Love Upstate New York

Aug. 12
Moved to our new home in Upstate New York. It is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic and I can hardly wait to see snow covering them.

Oct. 14
Upstate New York is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful and surely the most wonderful animal on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here.

Nov. 11
Deer season will start soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.

Dec. 2
It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won), and when the snow plow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Upstate New York.

Dec. 12
More snow last night. I love it. The snow plow did his trick on the driveway again.

Dec. 19
More snow last night. Couldn’t get out of the driveway to get to work. I’m exhausted from shoveling. *&^)@| snow plow!

Dec. 22
More of that white crap fell last night. I’ve got blisters from shoveling! I think the snow plow waits around the curve until I’m done shoveling. Idiot!

Dec. 25
Merry *!$%@:|* Christmas. More damned snow. If I ever get my hands on that SOB who drives the snow plow I swear I’ll kill him. Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the roads to melt the ice.

Dec. 27
More white crap last night. Been inside for 3 days, except for shoveling the driveway every time the snow plow goes by. Can’t go anywhere; the car is stuck in a mountain of white *$%@:|*. The weatherman says to expect another 10″ of snow again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10″ is?

Dec. 28
The weatherman was wrong. We got 34″ this time. At this rate it won’t melt until summer. The snow plow got stuck up the road and that SOB came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels shoveling all the stuff he had pushed into my driveway, I broke the seventh over his damned head.

Jan. 4
Finally got out of the house today! Went to the store to get food and on the way back, hit a deer. Did about $3000 damage to the car. Those beasts should be killed! Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

May 3
Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe it’s rusting out from all the *$%@:|* salt they put on the roads?

May 10
Moved to Georgia. I can’t imagine why anyone in their right mind would live in that God-forsaken state of Upstate New York!

The Guide To Women

A MAN’S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING:

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
…. without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven’t had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA’S FINE.
…. you cheap slob!

I JUST DON’T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don’t want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON’T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can’t believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT…
I don’t like you.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

I’LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I’m ready, but I’m going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I’LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I’m just being nice; there’s no way I’m going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I’M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We’re gonna make fun of you and your friends.

Letter to Redneck Son

Dearest Son,

I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read fast.

We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

I won’t be able to send you the address because the last Gander family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is really nice.
It even has a washing machine.
I’m not sure about it.
I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.
We haven’t seen them since.

The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit, she put a third one in because she heard you have grown another foot since she last saw you.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet, so I don’t know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom

The Missing Diary of a Serial Killer, or Possibly of a Toddler-Parent

Thursday
I’ve grown indifferent to the screaming. Somehow I learned to tune it out. If I hadn’t, I would have lost my mind ages ago.

Friday
At times I ask myself, “What have I done?” I think about how life could have been easier if I’d just stayed the course and resisted certain… urges.

I used to go to work, grab a beer with my friends, and stay out late. Now, there are days when I can barely leave home. It’s like I’m trapped here with this insane monster I’ve created.

When I look in the mirror, I see the effects the stress has had. My hair sloughs off in clumps. My eyes have dark bags under them. I’ve gained twenty pounds.

I remind myself I didn’t have to go down this road. It was a choice. I own that. There’s no escaping what I’ve become. And there’s no hiding it either. He has my DNA all over him.

Saturday
Sometimes I look at him, and I come back to myself. Why would I want to escape this? This is my everything now—my whole world. Sometimes I can’t resist him. I see that innocent look in his eyes and I can’t help but wrap my arms around him and squeeze.

Sunday
On the subject of escaping… yesterday, he tried. He wriggled free from his restraints at the table. He ran for the makeshift fence I had erected at the top of the stairs. I guess it wasn’t as secure as I thought it was. He broke free, and then there was the door, vulnerable, with only the deadbolt on the inside.

He made it halfway down the driveway before I caught him. His legs flailed as I lifted him off the ground. “LET ME GO! LET ME GO!” he wailed fruitlessly, pounding me on the side of the head with all his might.

I worried his carrying-on would draw unwanted attention from the neighbors. What would they make of this scene? Would they start to worry about me? Would they call the cops? I brought him inside by force, dropped him on the floor, and locked the deadbolt. “Don’t you ever do that again. Something bad could have happened,” I admonished him sternly.

I peeked through the curtains. No sign of any neighbors. That was a close one. Too close. I carried him up the stairs, his body limp, his face red. He inhaled great gulps of air between his sobs.

Note to self: order a new combo lock for the door.

Monday
This evening, he refused to eat. He poked at the meat on his plate, wearing a look of great disgust.

“Just try it,” I encouraged him. I had put real effort into this meal. “Just one little teensy-weensy bite.”

He declined. Worse, after a few more minutes of failed negotiating, he seized the plate and hurled it onto the floor. It made an incredible mess.

I’m not sure what he thought this would accomplish, and I admit, I’m starting to get tired of all of these games.

Tuesday
Today, I had no choice but to go to the store. After last night’s dinner fiasco, I was running low on rubber gloves, garbage bags, and bleach. I swear, I feel like I’m constantly cleaning. It’s Sisyphean. Still, I can’t have my place always looking like a crime scene.

But what to do about my little buddy? I thought about paying some poor sap to watch him for an hour or two, but I wasn’t sure who I could trust, so in the end, I brought him along.

I opened his door in the parking lot and we locked eyes.

“Remember what we talked about before?” I asked him. “If you’re on your best behavior and don’t make any kind of fuss, I’ll have a very special treat for you later. Got it?”

He gave me serious look, nodded his assent, and relaxed his limbs while I removed the straps holding him in place.

To my great surprise, it went fine. In and out without issue.

Wednesday
I don’t know what happened tonight, but maybe I’m not as immune to the screaming as I thought.

We were just playing around. I was having a good time. Honestly, I thought he was, too.

But things took a swift and unexpected turn. Suddenly, he was on the floor writhing, howling, shrieking—as if he was in the worst pain of his life.

The sound triggered something primal in me. I had to make it stop. I pleaded with him. I offered him food, water. But there was nothing for it.

It got physical: kicking, punching, objects thrown. I took a deep breath. I accepted he was simply too far gone.

I hate that the night ended like that. But it was time at last. Time for him to sleep.

One Night Stand Or Are We Married

A very elderly but bright-eyed gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

He’s very well dressed, with hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of aftershave.

He sits at the bar next to an elderly-looking lady tricked out in a modest but very becoming cocktail dress.

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside her, orders a drink, turns to her and says, “So tell me, do I come here often?”

Yet More Fun Things to Do in a Final That Does Not Matter

1. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
2. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
3. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything you your own life story.
4. Come in wearing a full knight’s outfit, complete with sword and shield.
5. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
6. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious…like history notes for a calculus exam…otherwise you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment, “Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.”
7. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
8. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, and ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
9. One word: Wrestlemania.
10. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
11. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
12. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
13. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
14. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
15. During the exam, take apart everything around you–desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
16. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
17. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say, “it helps me think.” Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don’t forget to us the phrase, “Told you so.”
18. Answer the exam with the “Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks.”

Two Irish Nuns

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the other, “I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.”

“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, “Hot Dogs, get your dogs here,” and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.

“Two dogs, please!” says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their ‘dogs.’

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush, and then, after staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and in a soft brogue whispers: “What part did you get?”

Well There’s A Good Reason Not To Listen To Him