Never Ask Women These Questions
• How would you react if I started dressing like a pirate?
• How long would you survive in a zombie apocalypse?
• Do you believe in ghosts?
• If I was your favorite pizza, what toppings would I have on me?
• Hot fudge or whipped cream?
• Who’s the better toy, Woody or Buzz?
• If you could only smell like one food for the rest of your life, what would you want to smell like?
• Can you spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious?
• What’s your favorite kid’s cereal?
• If you could make out with any cartoon character, who would you pick?
• What are you addicted to?
• What is your superhero alter ego?
• Do you talk to animals?
• Do you know how to do the macarena?
• How many pairs of shoes do you own?
• What five things do you always have with you?
• What is the last dream you can remember?
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “John, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?”
John says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”
“Really!? Like a newborn baby!?”
“Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just pooped my pants.”
Top Signs You’re At A Bad Motel
• The “complimentary” paper tells you that President Kennedy has died.
• The mint on the pillow starts moving when you come close to it.
• The “magic fingers vibration” is supplied by giving a quarter to the town epileptic.
• There is some yellow police tape across the door.
• The pictures are not placed for decoration but to cover up recent bullet holes.
• You have to wait until the guy next door is done with the towel so you can use it.
• There’s a chalk outline in the bed when you pull back the covers.
• The desk clerk has to move the body in order to get some ice for you.
• The Only TV station you can get is a porn channel…staring Roseanne.
• The wake up call comes courtesy of police helicopter.
A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw G-d and asked, “Is this it?”
God said, “No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live.”
Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.
She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of G-d and said, “I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?”
G-d replied, “Shirley! I’m sorry but I didn’t recognize you!”
Mommy Mommy…I Hate You Mommy
If you’ve never heard of mommy mommy jokes they are rude crude lude and simply disgusting so continue reading at your own risk.
Mommy, Mommy! I don’t want to see Niagara Falls!
Shut up and get back in the barrel!
Mommy, Mommy! I’ve lost my fingers!
Shut up and eat your french fries!
Mommy, Mommy! When will we have this nice yellow pudding again?
Shut up, you know that grandma’s leg is no longer infested.
Mommy, Mommy! I’d like to play marbles now!
Keep quiet, you can’t use Grandpa’s glass eye today!
Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is how to learn to swim?
Shut up and get back in the sack!
Mommy, Mommy! How come sister gets to watch TV and I can’t?
Shut up or I’ll cut your ears off, too!
Mommy, Mommy! I like my brother very much.
All right, you can take another slice.
Mommy, Mommy! I don’t want to empty the compost heap.
Shut up and keep eating.
Mommy, Mommy! I don’t like fishing.
Shut up and stop squirming.
Mommy, Mommy! Suzi got run over by a steamroller.
Shut up. I’m in the bathroom, slide her under the door.
or Shut up and get the maple syrup.
“Come upstairs, son, like a good boy.”
“No, Mommy, you’ll only throw me down again.”
Mommy, Mommy! Don’t push me towards the elevator shAAAAAFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!
The National Poetry Contest had come down to the last two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then they were allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word that they were given was “Timbuktu.”
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan; Men on camels, two by two Destination Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a huntin’ went. Met three whores in a pop up tent. They was three, and we was two, So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The redneck won hands down!
Q. What did G-d say after creating Adam
A. I must be able to do better than that.
Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?
A. They won’t stop to ask for directions.
Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.
Q. How are men and parking spots alike?
A. Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
Q. What is the one thing that all men at single bars have in common?
A. They are all married.
Signs You Hired The Wrong Kid To Mow Your Lawn
• He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag.
• On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats.
• Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher.
• Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.
• You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.
• He’s fascinated by the details of you home security system.
• Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.
• Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus.
• Turns a goat loose and says he’ll be back in three weeks.
• No toes.
How Poor Planning Can Cause Accidents
Today we bring you a bricklayer’s accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workmen’s Compensation Board. So here, is the Bricklayers accident report:
Dear Sir: I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put “poor planning” as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 Pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower then in a barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swing the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. When I went back to the ground I untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in Block #11 of the accident reporting form that my weight is 185 pounds.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding in a downward direction at an equally impressive rate of speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section III of the accident reporting form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in paragraph #2 of this correspondence.
Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground — and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in Block #11.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth, and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the pile of bricks in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my presence of mind, and let go of the rope…
Things Not To Say During Childbirth….
– Gosh, you’re lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.
– Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
– I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
– If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
– That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
– When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
– You don’t need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
– This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
– Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
– Stop your swearing and just breathe.
– Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You’re not using the right words.
– Your stomach still looks like there’s another one in there.