Jokes – Religon #1

Your Karma Ran Over My Dogma

A Short Guide To Comparative Religions

Taoism Shit happens.
Buddhism If shit happens, it’s not really shit.
Islam If shit happens, it’s the will of Allah.
Protestantism Shit happens because you don’t work hard enough.
Judaism Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism This shit happened before.
Catholicism Shit happens because you’re bad.
Hare Krishna Shit happens rama rama ding dong.
T.V. Evangelism Send more shit.
Atheism No shit.
Jehova’s Witness Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism There’s nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn’t.
Existentialism What is shit anyway?
Stoicism This shit doesn’t bother me.
Rastafarianism Let’s smoke this shit.

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George Carlin On The 10 Commandments
Transcript from his HBO special “Complaints and Grievances”Here is my problem with the ten commandments- why exactly are there 10?

You simply do not need ten. The list of ten commandments was artificially and deliberately inflated to get it up to ten. Here’s what happened:

About 5,000 years ago a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to try to figure out how to control people and keep them in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so they announced that G od had given them some commandments, up on a mountain, when no one was around.

Well let me ask you this- when they were making this shit up, why did they pick 10? Why not 9 or 11? I’ll tell you why- because 10 sound official. Ten sounds important! Ten is the basis for the decimal system, it’s a decade, it’s a psychologically satisfying number (the top ten, the ten most wanted, the ten best dressed). So having ten commandments was really a marketing decision! It is clearly a bullshit list. It’s a political document artificially inflated to sell better. I will now show you how you can reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list that’s a little more workable and logical. I am going to use the Roman Catholic version because those were the ones I was taught as a little boy.

Let’s start with the first three:




Right off the bat the first three are pure bullshit. Sabbath day? Lord’s name? strange gods? Spooky language! Designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious nonsense like this apply to the lives of intelligent civilized humans in the 21st century. So now we’re down to 7. Next:


Obedience, respect for authority. Just another name for controlling people. The truth is that obedience and respect shouldn’t be automatic. They should be earned and based on the parent’s performance. Some parents deserve respect, but most of them don’t, period. You’re down to six.

Now in the interest of logic, something religion is very uncomfortable with, we’re going to jump around the list a little bit.



Stealing and lying. Well actually, these two both prohibit the same kind of behavior- dishonesty. So you don’t really need two you combine them and call the commandment “thou shalt not be dishonest”. And suddenly you’re down to 5.

And as long as we’re combining I have two others that belong together:



Once again, these two prohibit the same type of behavior. In this case it is marital infidelity. The difference is- coveting takes place in the mind. But I don’t think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else’s wife because what is a guy gonna think about when he’s waxing his carrot? But, marital fidelity is a good idea so we’re gonna keep this one and call it “thou shalt not be unfaithful”. And suddenly we’re down to four.

But when you think about it, honesty and fidelity are really part of the same overall value so, in truth, you could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments and give them simpler language, positive language instead of negative language and call the whole thing “thou shalt always be honest and faithful” and we’re down to 3.


This one is just plain f*ckin’ stupid. Coveting your neighbor’s goods is what keeps the economy going! Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays “o come o ye faithful”, and you want one too! Coveting creates jobs, so leave it alone. You throw out coveting and you’re down to 2 now- the big honesty and fidelity commandment and the one we haven’t talked about yet:


Murder. But when you think about it, religion has never really had a big problem with murder. More people have been killed in the name of G od than for any other reason. All you have to do is look at Northern Ireland, Cashmire, the Inquisition, the Crusades, and the World Trade Center to see how seriously the religious folks take thou shalt not kill. The more devout they are, the more they see murder as being negotiable. It depends on who’s doin the killin’ and who’s gettin’ killed. So, with all of this in mind, I give you my revised list of the two commandments:

Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie.


Thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man than you.

Two is all you need; Moses could have carried them down the hill in his pocket. And I wouldn’t mind those folks in Alabama posting them on the courthouse wall, as long as they provided one additional commandment:

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
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Israeli Sense of Humor
(This actually happened!!)An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile. A representative from Israel began: “Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses. When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, ‘What a good opportunity to have a bath! He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them.”

The Palestinian representative jumped up furiously and shouted, “What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren’t there then.”

The Israeli representative smiled and said -

“And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.”
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Now I’m Assuming That They Really Didn’t Mean For It To Come Out This Way
Here are some actual sentences found in church bulletins and newsletters:• Don’t let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer
• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
• Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing “Put Me In My Little Bed” accompanied by the pastor.
• Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
• Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
• The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• The associate minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours”
• For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreword and lay an egg on the alter.
• The service will close with “Little Drops of Water.” One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
• Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreword and do so.
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The Pope And The Rabbi
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they would have to convert or leave.The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a “silent” debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, and that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy

Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened?

The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer, to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had beaten me at every move and I could not continue.

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.

“I haven’t a clue” said the Rabbi. First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him that we were staying right here.

“And then what?” asked a woman.

“Who knows?” said the Rabbi. “He took out his lunch so I took out mine.”
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Top 10 Reasons Beer Is Better Than Religion
10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn’t tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don’t force Beer on minors who can’t think for themselves.
6. When you have a Beer, you don’t knock on people’s doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody’s ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
4. You don’t have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
3. There are laws saying Beer labels can’t lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you’ve devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.
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The Reality Of The Twelve Days of Christmas
December 14th
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised.With dearest love and affection, Gloria.

December 15th
Dearest John:
Today, the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves… I’m absolutely delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love, Gloria

December 16th
Dear John:
Well, aren’t you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity. Three french hens they are simply darling, but I must insist… you’re just too kind.

Love, Gloria

December 17th
Today, the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough? You’re being too romantic.

Affectionately, Gloria

December 18th
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today, the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love, Gloria

December 19th
Dear John:
When I opened the door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So, you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!

Cordially, Gloria

December 20th
What is with you and those fucking birds??? Seven swans a-swimming? What kind of a damn joke is this? There’s bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. I’m a nervous wreck and I can’t sleep at all at night. IT’S NOT FUNNY!… So stop with those fucking birds.

Sincerely, Gloria

December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and eights maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own god dam cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can’t move into my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS!


December 22nd
Hey, Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers playing. And Christ, do they play. They haven’t stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech! What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You’ll get yours.

From Gloria

December 23rd
You Rotten Prick:
Now there’s ten ladies dancing – I don’t know why I call those sluts ladies. They’ve been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned. I’m sicking the police on you.

One who means it, Gloria

December 24th
Listen-Up Fuckhead:
What’s with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned “ladies”? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy, Miss Gloria Mulligan

December 25th – From the law offices of Taeker, Spredar and Baegar
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Gloria Mulligan. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. Should you attempt to reach Miss Mulligan at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
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Top 21 Good Things About Hell
21. None of that annoying check-in procedure like with St. Peter.
20. Due to recent health code changes, vats of boiling brimstone now use low-fat canola oil.
19. Your “Do you smell something burning?” slays ‘em, year after year.
18. Plenty of legal help available for filing “wrongful death” lawsuit.
17. Newly passed law: Three strikes and you’re back in LA.
16. Satan’s confused attempts to torture masochists can be highly entertaining.
15. You finally get a chance to do to Dick Chaney what he did to the whole rest of the world.
14. Well, sure, it’s hot, but it’s a *dry* heat.
13. Free prostate checks and PAP smears administered daily!
12. The surprisingly entertaining “Hitler and Kathie Lee Show”.
11. Every Thursday is Karaoke Night, hosted by Dean Martin and Sammy Davis, Jr.
10. Prizes awarded for best crank phone calls to God.
9. Everywhere you look, there’s a smoking section!
8. Big step up from Bakersfield.
7. Your little “blue flame” trick now produces spectacular results.
6. Free Microsoft software for everyone (as per agreement made back in early 80′s).
5. Now that you’ve followed her advice, you just might get that date with Cindy Crawford.
4. 52 smmmmmokin’ channels of Jim Carrey!
3. Saturday night WWF tag-team bout between Genghis Khan, Vlad the Impaler, and Hitler.
2. Everyone gets a length of pipe and a daily crack at Nancy Kerrigan’s knee.
1. Fortune to be made on “Welcome, O.J.” t-shirts.
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Top Quotes By Famous Atheists
1. Creationists make it sound like a ‘theory’ is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night — Isaac Asimov2. I don’t believe in God. My god is patriotism. Teach a man to be a good citizen and you have solved the problem of life. — Andrew Carnegie

3. All thinking men are atheists. — Ernest Hemingway

4. Lighthouses are more helpful then churches. — Benjamin Franklin

5. Faith means not wanting to know what is true. — Friedrich Nietzsche

6. The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one. — George Bernard Shaw

7. Say what you will about the sweet miracle of unquestioning faith, I consider a capacity for it terrifying and absolutely vile. — Kurt Vonnegut

8. I believe in God, only I spell it Nature. — Frank Lloyd Wright

9. Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest. — Denis Diderot

10. A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows. — Samuel Clemens aka Mark Twain

11. The whole thing is so patently infantile, so foreign to reality, that to anyone with a friendly attitude to humanity it is painful to think that the great majority of mortals will never be able to rise above this view of life. — Sigmund Freud

12. Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful. — Edward Gibbon

13. The church says the earth is flat, but I know that it is round, for I have seen the shadow on the moon, and I have more faith in a shadow than in the church. — Ferdinand Magellan

14. Not only is there no god, but try getting a plumber on weekends. — Woody Allen

15. It’s an incredible con job when you think about it, to believe something now in exchange for something after death. Even corporations with their reward systems don’t try to make it posthumous. — Gloria Steinem

16. When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit! – George Carlin
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72 What?
After Osama Bin Laden was killed George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates.
He slapped him across the face and yelled, “How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!”Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, “You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!”

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, “This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!”

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Bin Laden with a long cane and snarled “It was Evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence.”

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist Leader.

As Bin Laden lay bleeding and in pain, Allah appeared. Bin Laden wept and said, “This is not what you promised me.”

Allah replied, “I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven. What did you think I said?”
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A Nervous Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.The monsignor replied, ‘When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.’

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T.’
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, ‘Take this and eat it for this is my body.’ He did not say ‘Eat me’.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called ‘Mary with the Cherry’.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
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Jewish Business
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards it, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”

The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”

The Taliban shouted, “Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!”

“OK, OK, said the old Jewish man, It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.”

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead. “Your fucking brother won’t let me in without a tie!”
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15 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife
1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
2. Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3)
3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. (Exodus 2:16-21)
4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. (Ruth 4:5-10)
5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. (Judges 21:19-25)
6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: This will cost you. (Genesis 2:19-24)
7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That’s right. Fourteen years of hard labor for a wife. (Genesis 29:15-30)
8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife. (I Samuel 18:27)
9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone. (It’s all relative, of course.) (Genesis 4:16-17)
10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest like Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have seen a … woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.” (Judges 14:1-3)
12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). (2 Samuel 11)
13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. It’s not just a good idea; it’s the law. (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
14. Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity like Solomon did (1 Kings 11:1-3)
15. A wife? … NOT! – Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
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A man is walking down the street when a very beautiful woman appears out of nowhere, right in front of him. She is stunning, completely nude, and has green skin.Astonished, the man starts to speak to her. “Excuse me, but you just popped out of thin air. How did you do that?”

“Oh,” says the woman, “I’m from Andromeda, in what you call ‘outer space’.”

“Andromeda?” says the man, “Wow! Are all the women on Andromeda as beautiful as you, and do you all have green skin?”

“Yes, we are all beautiful,” replies the woman, “and everyone is green on Andromeda.”

The man continues to stare and speak “Excuse me for asking, but I can’t help noticing that you have 12 toes on each foot. Here on Earth we all have five toes on each foot. Do all Andromedian people have 12 toes on each foot?”

“Yes, they do,” replies the woman.

“Please, may I ask you one more question?” The woman nods.

“I also can’t help noticing that on each of your hands you have seven fingers, and on each finger is a very large diamond. Here on Earth, diamonds are very rare and valuable. Do all Andromedian women have large diamonds on their fingers?”

“Well, no,” the woman answers, “not the Shiksas.”
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Priest And A Rabbi
A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put his book down and began a conversation by saying, “I understand that in your religion, you are not supposed to eat pork….but, have you never even tasted it?”The rabbi put his newspaper down and replied, “I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, but only on the odd occasion.”

The rabbi then questioned the priest, “I understand that in your religion, you’re supposed to be celibate….but….”

“Yes, I know exactly what you are going to ask, “interjected the priest, “and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice.”

They both went back to their reading and remained silent for a while.

Finally, the rabbi peeked over his newspaper and with a big grin, said, “Better than pork, isn’t it!”
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A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in: “Father, forgive me for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”

The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side.”
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Russian Military Science
The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S.) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.An officer stood up and asked, “Will there be a third world war? And will Russia take part in it?”

The general answered both questions in the affirmative.

Another officer asked, “Who will be the enemy?”

The general replied, “All indications point to China.”

Everyone in the audience was shocked. A third officer remarked, “General, we a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?”

The general answered, “Just think about this for a moment: In modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters but the quality of an army’s capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious.”

After a small pause, yet another officer – from the back of the auditorium asked, “Do we have enough Jews???”
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Proof That Jesus Was...
1. He went into his father’s business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was a drink.

…Puerto Rican:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His mother did not know who his father was.

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

1. He called everybody brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn’t get a fair trial.

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But the most compelling evidence of all…proof that Jesus was a WOMAN:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do.
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Christmas Tree Angel
One Christmas long ago, Santa was preparing for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Five of his elves had become ill and the trainee elves weren’t making the toys as quickly as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then, Mrs. Claus informed him that her mother was coming to visit which added to his stress.When he went out to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress for Santa to deal with. Then, when he went to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, scattering the toys.

Frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey, only to discover that the elves had gotten to the liquor bottle and consumed all of it. Frustrated even more, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom to clean up the mess and found the mice had eaten it.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa went to the door, cussing all the way. He opened the door and there stood an angel with a large Christmas tree. The angel looked up at Santa and cheerfully said, “I have a beautiful tree for you, Santa. Where would you like me to stick it?”

And that, friends, is how the tradition of the angel on top of the Christmas tree began.
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Humor In Church
The tradition of Holy Howlers in religiously related documents continues undimmed. Witness the following sampling of goofs culled from various Church bulletins and orders of service.Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their schooldays.

This week’s saints include a French woman (Teresa, the little Flower), a Swedish woman (Bridget), an Italian man (Francis of Assisi), a German man (Bruno), a Jewess from the Holy Land (Mary, G-d’s Mother). They include single people and married people. Bridget was a wife and mother. Mary was a virgin and virgin mother. If they could do it so can we.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The Reverend Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.

Will the ladies of the Willing Workers who have towels which belong to the kitchen please bring them to the church on Friday as we need them for supper.

We’d just been to a funeral and passing a new grave saw a man kneeling on the side sobbing “Why did you die! Why did you die?”
“Was it your wife?” the vicar asked. “No, he replied. “Oh why did he die?”
“Who was it?” the vicar prompted. (Knowing it must have been somebody close)
“My wife’s first husband!” said the man “Oh why did he die?”

Question: Why is the Angel Gabriel so popular?
Answer: Because he always has his horn.
(Think about it…..wouldn’t YOU be popular?)
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Jewish vs. Goyish
Judges are Jewish
Juries are GoyishPacking all the mini hotel shampoos is Jewish
Using them is Goyish

Ordering family style is Jewish
Ordering a la carte is Goyish

Cruises are Jewish
Walking tours are Goyish

Laugh-In was Jewish
Hee Haw was Goyish

Grabbing lox from the back of the buffet first, is Jewish
Grabbing melon from the front is Goyish

Bunions are Jewish
Flat feet are Goyish

Simon Says is Jewish
The Hokey Pokey is Goyish

“Bewitched” is Jewish
“I Dream of Jeannie” is Goyish

The Limbo is Jewish
Line dancing is Goyish

Picking from your mate’s plate is Jewish
Not wanting even a “little taste” is Goyish

Fruitcake is Goyish
Fruit and cake is Jewish

Reading “how-to” books is Goyish
Writing “how-to” books is Jewish

ESPN is Goyish
PBS is Jewish

Tiffany’s is Goyish
Your Uncle Ira in the Jewelry District is Jewish

Passing bars is Goyish
Passing the Bar Exam is Jewish

DIY (Do it Yourself) is Goyish
PAG (Pay A Goy who knows what he’s doing) is Jewish

Mary Kay is Goyish
Murray the K is Jewish

The Chia pet infomercial is Goyish
Ronco spray-on hair is Jewish

Morbidly obese is Goyish
Baby fat is Jewish

NASCAR is Goyish. Period.

West Coast is Goyish
East Coast is Jewish

Lunch meat is Goyish;
Deli is Jewish

White bread is Goyish;
Rye is Jewish

Sushi is Jewish;
Chopsticksare Goyish

Quilt cases are Jewish;
Comforters are Goyish

Suspenders are Jewish;
Overalls are Goyish

Waldbaum’s was Jewish; A&P was Goyish.
(Now A&P is the parent company of Waldbaum’s!)

Alan Sherman was Jewish;
Weird Al=2 0 Yankovic, not so much

Laughing at someone else’s troubles is Goyish;
Laughing at your own troubles is Jewish

“Youngsters” are Goyish,
“Kids” are Jewish

Buttering bread is Goyish;
Spreading margarine is Jewish

Sitting quietly to get served is Goyish:
Standing and waving one’s hands is Jewish

I have just one thing to say about the Heineken can. Maybe beer is Goyish, but Freddie Heineken, the founder of the Heineken Brewery in Amsterdam (a very Jewish city) was a Jewish man…just thought to tell you that…well, pointing this out is Jewish too I think…

WWF is Goyish,
the NBA is Jewish

Tattoos and piercing are Goyish;
Diamonds and pearls are Jewish

Ham sandwiches are Goyish;
Corned beef on rye is Jewish

White sox are Goyish;
No sox are Jewish

Saving Money is Goyish;
Investing money is Jewish

Snowmobiling is Go yish;
Skiing is Jewish

Doing Landscaping is Goyish;
Hiring a Landscaper is Jewish

Beer is Goyish;
Wine is Jewish

Frizzy hair is Jewish;
Stick straight flat hair is Goyish

A party that revolves around the buffet table is Jewish:
A party that revolves around the bar is Goyish!

Making lists of what’s Jewish and what’s not…is VERY Jewish!!
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Five Catholics
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square, Rome.The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, Everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room People call him ‘Your Grace’.”

The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room Everyone bows their head and says ‘Your Eminence’.”

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, “My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence,
The four men give her a subtle, “Well….?”

She proudly replies, “I have a daughter,
38D breasts,
24″ waist, and
34″ hips.
When she walks into a room, people say, ‘My God!’”
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Missing Fowls
The priest in a small Irish village had a rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.During mass, he asked the congregation, ‘Has anybody got a cock? ‘

All the men stood up.

‘No, no, ‘ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock? ‘

All the women stood up.

‘No, no, ‘ he said, ‘ that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them? ‘

Half the women stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant.

Has anybody seen MY cock?’ Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

The priest fainted.
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No Jews Please
A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week’s shore leave. The first evening, the ship’s Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:“Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda’s Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please.”

Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:

“Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers. One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.

“The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD.. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.

“The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech.

“Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship’s doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina. We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda.”

Upon receiving this letter, Melinda’s mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous.)

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda’s mother heard a polite rap at the door, which she opened to find — in full dress uniform — four handsome, smiling Black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, “There must be some mistake.”

“No, Madam,” said the first officer. “Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes
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Italian Confession
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
‘Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.’

The priest replied: That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.’

‘There is more to tell, Father…
She started to repay me with se xual favors.
This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.’
The priest said, ‘That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.’

‘Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.’

‘And what is that?’ asked the priest.

‘Should I tell her the war is over?”
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Religion Vs. Religon
I love not being politically correct……A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man who was wearing a turban eating fresh shrimp.

Every time he ate one he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to deflect it.

Eventually she had enough and pulled the Emergency Cord.

The Muslim looked at her and said, “You’ll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid Catholic bitch.”

She laughed and said, “When I cry ‘rape’ and they smell your fingers, you’ll get 10 years, you towel-headed Camel-fucker.”
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Kiddy Christmas Joke
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.’Nice bike,’ the cop said. ‘Did Santa bring it to you?’

‘Yes Sir,’ the little girl said, ‘he sure did!’

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, ‘Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!’

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, ‘Nice horse you’ve got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?’

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, ‘Yes, he sure did!’

The little girl looked up at the cop and said: ‘Next year tell Santa; The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top’!!!
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Satan Pays A Visit
One beautiful Sunday morning everyone in the small town woke up early and went to their local church.As they were sitting in their pews talking before the service began, Satan suddenly appeared at the alter.

Everyone began screaming and running for the exit, trampling each other in a desperate attempt to get away from the evil incarnate.

Soon, everyone managed to evacuate the church except for one older gentleman who remained calmly seated in his pew. The gentleman appeared oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

This confused and angered Satan, so he walked over to the man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”

“Yep, sure do,” replied the man.

“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.

“Nope, sure ain’t,” the man replied.

Satan, now more perturbed, asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man looked at him and calmly replied, “I’ve been married to your sister for 32 years!”
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Kids In Church
A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”
“Sixteen,” the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
“How do you know that?”
“Easy,” the little boy said.
“All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,
“Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.”
“That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?”
“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway,
And I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen.”

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord’s Prayer at a church service, “And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us.”

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
“How do you know what to say?” he asked.
“Why, God tells me.”
“Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?”

A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, “Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”

Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane.
She asked him which story it was meant to represent.
“The Flight to Egypt,” was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said,
“That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus.
But who’s the fourth person?”
“Oh, that’s Pontius – the pilot!”

The Sunday School Teacher asks,
“Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”
“No ma’am,” little Johnny replies, I don’t have to.
My mom is a good cook.”

This is the best one.

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.”
“Oh,” she paused, “Grandpa, did God make me too?”
“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.”
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,
“God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”
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Allah And The 72 Virgins
A suicide bomber died and went to heaven, as foretold. When he arrived there, he met Allah, and he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his virgins, as promised. Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven.

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, “Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because Assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you’re here to service them. Since they’re virgins, they’re quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you’ll be on constant, exhausting duty. And I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!”

The bomber responded, “Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?”

And Allah replied, “Who said they were women”?
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