7 Into 28 By Lou Costello
My math teacher didn’t fall for this.
Commercials In 2030
Were you or someone you know overly exposed to hand sanitizer, Lysol, or bleach during the 2020 Coronavirus pandemic?
If so, you may be eligible for compensation!
If Countries Were Classmates…
Australia: The class clown who makes everyone laugh
America: The jock who loves themselves and everyone secretly hates
Canada : The nice person who offers to show you around on your first day
England: The hot boy everybody wants to bang because of the accent
New Zealand: Australia ‘ s little brother who is the only one who thinks Australia sucks
The Netherlands: That high kid in the back that everyone just ignores
France: The romantic playboy who hangs around England too much
China: The overly smart kid who puts his hand up for every question
How To Install A Southern Home Security System
1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14-16 men’s work boots,
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns Ammo magazine.
3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Me and Marcel, Donnie Ray and Jirrvny Earl went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour, don’t mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad.
I don’t think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of ‘em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.
Alternative Responses To “I Love You”
• “Who doesn’t?”
• “I know”
• “A horrible decision, really”
• *laughs nervously*
• *laughs hysterically*
• “I’m sorry”
• *points finger like a gun*
• “Say that again.”
• “I’m a lone wolf.”
• “Wait, you love me? Like you love me like how Garfield loves Lasagna or how Thomas O’Malley loves Duchess?”
• “Kiss me you twat.”
• “If only there was someone out there who loved you”
I Never Heard It Described Quite Like That, But Yeh
What are you up to?
I’m watching a movie
It’s about a mans wife who is brutally murdered by a serial killer and his son is left physically disabled. In a twisted turn of events his son is kidnapped and the dad has to track and chase the kidnapper thousands of miles with the help of a mentally disabled woman.
It’s Finding Nemo
Same Terms Different Meanings
Know the difference!
Five Deadly Terms Used A Woman
FINE: This is a word women use to end and argument When she knows she’s right and you need to shut up.
NOTHING: Means something and you need to be worried.
GO AHEAD: This is a dare not permission. Don’t do it.
WHATEVER: A woman’s way of saying “screw you”.
THAT’S OK: She is thinking long and hard on how and When you will pay for your mistake.
Five Ordinary Terms Used by a Man
FINE: This is a word men used to indicate they agree with something without the need to appear overly enthusiastic. Ifs probably over something small and minute anyway, don’t look too hard into it.
NOTHING: Seriously, this means nothing. The man is probably thinking or doing something so irrelevant and trivial that he feels it isn’t even worth mentioning or bringing up. Hence, nothing.
GO AHEAD: You have the man’s approval and blessing. Feel free to do it.
WHATEVER: The man has no strong feelings for or against whatever is presented to him. He is Okay with either way or side.
THAT’S OK: It’s really is just okay and whatever the man has now is sufficient for his needs. Used in place Of “no thank you” to retailers Very often.
CALM DOWN: The man is talking to a woman who appears to have gone batshit crazy. Man will likely leave if woman does not calm down as men are basic creatures that prefer peace and quiet rather than
lunacy and madness.
What Mulan Would Say To Snow White
Mulan: “I don’t give a shit!”
Mulan: “I has run out of fu(ks to give”
Mulan: “Girl had it coming.”
Mulan: “One less bitch, to worry about!”
Mulan: “Who’s next?”
Mulan: “Look at all that dishonor”
“Are you fucking serious Snow?
I fought in a motherfucking war!
I saved motherfucking China!
And you get taken down by a motherfucking apple!
DISHONOR ON YOU! DISHONOR ON YOUR FAMILY!”
Shit My Friends Have Said
Who are these friends of yours?
• “Ow! My virginity!”
• “He’s constantly on his period”
• “God bless the FUCKING queen”
• “My boobs are falling off”
• “We need Christianity to make science go away”
• “Yes but is the communism free range? I’m a vegan”
• “Yes, sip my milky fluids”
• “Hippity hoppity get off my property DEMON”
• “Fuck me with a toothbrush”
• “Dicks out to god”
• “The fact that you tell me to stop makes it so much more enjoyable”
• “I’m everyone’s daddy”
• “I’M AN ALCOHOLIC!”
• “It’s not gay if it points away”
• “It’s not gay of you don’t make eye contact”
• “It’s not gay if it’s a three way”
What, He Didn’t Say How
Today my psych professor said, “You’ll never truly know someone well enough to marry until you’ve seen them struggle financially, grieve a lost one, or witness them while they’re sick.”
And that just hit really deep.
Truly amazing advice.
First date ideas: freeze their assets, kill one of their loved ones, and poison their dinner.
Well Their Kinda Funny…No, Not Really
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive
They’d find me attractive by now
My girlfriend accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
A man asked me for a donation towards the local swimming pool
So I gave him a glass of water
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner
I don’t know what Armageddon means
So what? It’s not the end of the world
I’ve been told I’m condescending
(That means talking down to people)
I went bob sleighing the other day
And I managed to kill 250 bobs
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones
But people in Abu Dhabi do!
You may think it’s romantic to carve our names on this tree
But I have to ask, why did you bring a knife on our first date?