George Carlin – 7 Dirty Words (1978)
Happy Birthday George, We Miss You!
Why Aren’t You Married?
Here are some comebacks:
• You haven’t asked yet.
• I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
• Because I just love hearing this question.
• Just lucky, I guess.
• It gives my mother something to live for.
• My fiancée is awaiting his/her parole.
• I’m still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
• Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
• I’m waiting until I get to be your age.
• It didn’t seem worth a blood test.
• I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
• Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
• My co-op board doesn’t allow spouses.
• I’d have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
• They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
• I wouldn’t want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
• I guess it just goes to prove that you can’t trust those voodoo doll rituals.
• What? And lose all the money I’ve invested in running personal ads?
• I don’t want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
• Why aren’t you thin?
• I’m married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
• Bonus reply for Single Mothers: Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
Form Letter For Dumping A Man
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.
I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
(Check those that apply)
1. ___Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
2. ___Your first name is objectionable. It’s just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
3. ___The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
4. ___Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms by the truckload” indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
5. ___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
6. ___Your constant emailing, shows me you have way too much time on your hands!
7. ___Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can’t GET into my pants.
8. ___You’re too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
9. ___You’re too tall. I’m developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.
10. ___You have a hairy back.
11. ___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
12. ___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
13. ___The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.
14. ___You still live with your parents.
15. ___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
16. ___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
17. ___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.
18. ___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
19. ___Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
20. ___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of “cocktails”, “highballs” and just a good old-fashioned “stiff drink”. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
How Stupid Are They…
1. His IQ is a false positive.
2. His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime.
3. His mouth rarely makes calls to his brain.
4. His outgoing message starts with, “Hello, Mr. Answering Machine.”
5. His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position.
6. His spirit guide is a three-toed sloth.
7. His strip is demagnetized.
8. His train tracks aren’t quite parallel.
9. His URL denies outside access.
10. His wisdom is stolen from bumper-stickers and T-shirts (and lists like this).
11. Permanently disconnected neural net.
12. Hypnotized as a child and couldn’t be woken.
13. I’d like to buy him for what he’s worth and sell him for what he thinks he’s worth.
14. If brains were dynamite, she wouldn’t have enough to blow her nose.
15. If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.
16. His mind wandered and never came back.
17. If he donated his brain to science it’d set civilization back 50 years.
18. If he had a lobotomy he’d depressurize.
19. If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
20. If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards.
Alcohol Improves Brain Function
The following is an actual excerpt from the journal Science (sort of):
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
Thus, regular consumption of beer, wine etc., helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving a university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve during their college years.
So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge, we cannot shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn’t deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be. Forward this to all of your friends, acquaintances and co-workers that may be in danger of losing their edge.
You Are An EMS If…
1. You believe the waiting room should be equipped with a Valium fountain.
2. You believe a “Supreme Being consult” is your patients only hope.
3. You want the lab to order a “dumb shit profile”.
4. You have been exposed to so many X-rays that you consider radiation a form of birth control.
5. You believe your patient is demonically possessed.
6. You believe that waiting room time should be proportional to length of time from symptom onset (“You’ve had the pain for three weeks…well have a seat in the waiting room and we’ll get to you in three days”).
7. You know the phone number to the local Detox Center by heart.
8. You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered some food.
9. You carry your own set of keys to the “leathers”.
10. Your idea of gambling is a blood alcohol level pool instead of a football pool.
11. Your bladder expands to the same size as a Winnebago’s water tank.
12. Your feet are slightly flatter and tougher than Fred Flintstone’s.
13. Your immune system is so well developed that it has been known to attack squirrels in the backyard.
14. You have a special shrine in your home to the inventor of Haldol.
15. Your idea of an X-ray prep is a second dose of Haldol.
16. Your idea of a CT prep includes Norcuron and a vent.
17. You have recurring nightmares about being knocked to the floor and run over by a portable X-ray machine.
18. Your shoes have been seized and quarantined by either the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, OSHA, the EPA, or the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.
19. You’re able to tell the difference between a medical order and the ground around a poultry farm.
20. You’ve been chipping away at your Bachelors Degree for longer than most people take for a Doctorate.
21. Your idea of thawing the holiday turkey consists of an IV and warmed saline. (and if the holiday turkey you usually see has arms instead of wings and is sauced instead basted)
22. You have every referred to subcutaneous emphysema as “Rice Krispies”.
23. And finally:
You might be an EMS professional if you find any of this funny!
The Married Man’s Scoreboard
(NOTE: a score of “0″ means it was expected of him)
* You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty-liners with wings: +5
* But return with beer: -5
* You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing: 0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something: +5
* You pummel it with a six iron: +10
* It’s her father: -10
* You stay by her side the entire party: 0
* You stay by her side for awhile, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy: -2
* Named Tiffany: -4
* Tiffany is a dancer: -6
* Tiffany has implants: -8
* You visit her parents: +1
* You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
* You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3
* And the television is off: -6
* You spend the day watching college football in your underwear: -6
* And you didn’t even go to college: -10
* And it’s not really your underwear: -15
* You take her out to dinner: 0
* You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar: +1
* Okay, it’s a sports bar: -2
* And it’s all-you-can-eat night: -3
* It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
* You give her a gift: 0
* You give her a gift, and it’s a small appliance: -10
* You give her a gift, and it’s not a small appliance: +1
* You give her a gift, and it isn’t chocolate: +2
* You give her a gift that you’ll be paying off for months: +30
* You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
* With her credit card: -30
* And whatever you bought is two sizes too small: -40
How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity In The Workplace
• Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
• Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.
• Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point, Chubby.” “No, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha.”
• Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you’re doing. For example: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”
• Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven’t lost them as much since you did this.
• While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.
• Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
• Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.
• Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
• Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
• Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
• Put your trash can on your desk. Label it “IN.”
• Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
• Send e-mail messages saying there’s free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, “Oh you’ve got to be faster than that.”
• Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
Musing From PhD Students
1. Does ‘virgin wool’ come from sheep the shepherd hasn’t caught yet?
2. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
3. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
4. Do blind Eskimos heave seeing-eye sled dogs?
5. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
6. How come wrong numbers are never busy?
7. Why call it “take” a dump, when you leave something behind?
8. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
9. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
10. How did a fool and his money GET together?
11. If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
12. What would we have called the color orange if it wasn’t a fruit?
Actual Bumper Stickers
• Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.
• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
• Keep honking, I’m reloading.
• Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
• Spotted owl taste just like chicken.
• Hang up and drive.
• Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
• WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
• Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
• I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
• Tow-ers will be violated
• Montana — At least our cows are sane!
• Mean people rule!
• Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do.
• Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
• God must love stupid people, he made so many.
• I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
• The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
• I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.