The Translator – Awkward Puppets
Is Sir Humphrey A Soviet Spy? – Yes, Prime Minister
Business Email Glossary
Thanks in advance: Get this done by the time I press send
Thanks for your interest: Why’d you have to bring this up
Would you be so kind: Fucking do it
Best: I have never physically met you
Att best: This conversation is over
Att my best: I wish you would die
Happy to help: This is the easiest thing in my inbox
I hope this helps: I’ve done all I’m willing to do
I did a bit of research: I googled it. because you’re too lazy to
Sorry to chase: Answer my email
So sorry to chase: Answer my FUCKING email
I am realty sorry for being a pest but: I am LIVID that you are ignoring me
Please contact my colleague: This isn’t my problem
Copying in my colleague: This isn’t my problem and I am thrilled about it
I’ll check and get back to you: I might forget to
I’ll let you know when I hear anything: I will forget to
Can you check back with me in a week?: Hoping you will forget to
Per our earlier conversation: I just yelled at you on the phone
Great to chat just now: You just yelled at me on the phone
Thanks!: I’m not mad at you
Thanks!!: Please don’t be mad at me
Thanks!!: I’m crying at my desk
Please advise: This might be your fault
Kindly advise: This is entirely your fault
Mind if I swing by?: I’m already in the elevator
Can you confirm for me: You told me before and I deleted the email
Sorry if that was unclear: I think your an idiot
Let me know if you need anything else: Please never contact me again
Arriving Home Late
The other night I was invited out for a night with “the girls.” I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight.
The hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., drunk to the gills, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly realizing he’d probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn’t seem disturbed at all. “Whew,” I thought, “got away with that one!”
Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, “Oh shit!” cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.
But How Can You Knooooow You Don’t Like The Food If You’ve Never Tried It
• By looking at it to make texture predictions
• Smelling it to make taste predictions
• Poking at it with a fork to ascertain the flexibility and chewiness
• Considering its similarities to other foods I’ve disliked
• Considering its differences from other foods I’ve liked
• Knowing that there is an ingredient in it that I hate
• Trying to chop it with a knife and feeling the gristliness and nearing that telltale horrible creaking noise of gristle and noping right out of that situation
• This is how humans naturally decided whether or not to eat unfamiliar foods in the wild thousands of years ago
• Our senses interact with each other to protect us, so your nose alerts you to an incoming bad taste before you put it in your mouth, so you don’t end up eating the bad thing and dying
• This is how we survived as a species
• It is perfectly rational
• It makes perfect sense
• So stop
The F-Word
A man goes to the confessional and begins “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.”
“What is your sin, my son?” the priest asks back.
“Well,” the man starts, “I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible.”
“When did you use this awful language?” asks the priest.
“I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”
“Is that when you swore?”
“No, Father,” says the man. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.”
“Is THAT when you swore?” asks the Father again.
“Well, no,” says the man. “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”
“Is THAT when you swore?” asks the amazed Priest.
“No, not yet,” the man replies. “As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. As it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.”
“Did you swear THEN?” asks the now impatient Priest.
“No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.”
The Priest sighs, “You missed the putt, didn’t you?!?”
How To Ruin A First Date In 10 Seconds
“This is what I imagined you would smell like”
“Let’s make this quick. I’m meeting someone after this.”
“You’re a real woman, right? Because you have that ambiguous look.”
“Hi, I’m legally obligated by federal court ruling to tell you about my crimes.”
“How many meters away would you say that school is?”
“I just took Viagra so we need to be in your place in an hour.”
“I’m Pregnant”
“The female orgasm is a lie invented to manipulate men.”
“I still live with my parents and collect toenails clippings as a hobby”
“You’ll do.”
“We gotta be fast, my mom is waiting in the car.”
“Does anyone know where you are?”
“By the way, I matched with your friend as well, what a coincidence!”
“So, you know how the earth is flat? Well…”
“You look like my sister. You both are hot.”
“Does this cloth smell of chloroform to you?”
“I love you.”
What Did He Say, Morty Darling?
Morty and Selma, an elderly couple, were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, “Ma’am did you know you were speeding?”
Selma, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
Morty yelled, “He says you were speeding!”
The patrolman said, “May I see your license?”
Selma turned to her husband once again and asked, “What did he say?”
Morty yelled, “He wants to see your license!”
Selma gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, “I see you are from New York. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the most annoying woman I’ve ever met.”
Selma turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
Morty yells, “He said he thinks he knows you!”
I Have Too Much Time On My Hands To Think This Up
• If ketchup is good on French fries, how come it isn’t good on mashed potatoes?
• Where do all the daylight savings hours go?
• If you only have one eye, are you blinking or winking?
• If you have a gun and you ask, “Can I ask you a question?” and they say “fire away” should you shoot them?
• What is a chickpea if it is neither a chick nor a pea?
• Why is it called the People’s Republic Of China when China’s not a republic?
• Why are dandelions considered weeds when daisies are considered flowers?
Why Didn’t I Think Of That?
One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money from.
“Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left,” said the 12-year-old.
“We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros.”
“Then we followed the man,” said the other boy, “and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived. Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet.”
“That’s truly awful behavior,” the mother replied. “You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession in the church.”
The boys did what they were told and went to the Church, to confess and atone before the priest.
After a while they came back with 100 euros, because now they also knew where the man worked!
Just Public School Things
• Hearing screams coming from other classrooms and wondering what the fuck is going on
• Dropping the Mr./Mrs. from a teachers name and just referring to them by their last name
• Just getting up and walking out to go to the bathroom whenever because the teachers literally couldn’t care less
• Teachers asking why you’re late to class and you can use “traffic” as an excuse
• Scarily lacking sex ed
• Weird, non-optional school spirit things that serve zero purpose
• DRESS CODE
• School-wide memes
• Seeing COPS around ALL the fucking time
• Million-dollar gyms but bathroom stalls with no doors
• Speaking of bathrooms, shit sayings on the walls, mostly along the lines of “Fuck this shit”
• Stressed out anxiety-prone teens running on 3 hours of sleep and a shit ton of coffee
• Teachers saying, “This isn’t middle school anymore!”
• Broken air conditioning
• Classrooms that either feel like the arctic tundra or the pits of hell
• Teachers saying, “Wikipedia isn’t a reliable source”
• A shit ton of standardized tests
• Hearing, “If someone dies during the final, everyone gets an A, so who’s gonna take one for the team?”
• Someone says, “If the teacher is fifteen minutes late, we can leave.”
You See Those 2 Old Men?
Two men are sitting in a bar Drinking.
The first man notices two old men across the bar. He points at them and says to his friend, “That’s us in about ten years.”
His friend looks up, laughs, puts his head back down, and says, “That’s us now, because that’s a mirror.”
| I Don’t Want To Be That Happy |
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| What’s Wrong With This Picture? |
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| Gee, I Wonder Why |
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| Best No Soliciting Sign I Ever Saw |
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| Yeh, That Won’t Make Her Mad At All |
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| And They Both Pass Out Afterwords |
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| So That’s What Your Supposed To Do With The Old Ones |
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| Did Someone Actually Accomplish This? |
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| Now Your Just Being Mean |
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| What, You Thought It Was Just Guys Who Did That? |
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