If Tampon Ads Were Honest
Actual Bumper Stickers
1. Horn broken. Watch for finger.
2. Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.
3. All generalizations are false.
4. Cover me. I’m changing lanes.
5. I brake for no apparent reason.
6. Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control.
7. I’m not as think as you drunk I am.
8. Forget about World Peace…Visualize using your turn signal.
9. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
10. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
11. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
12. It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
13. Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
14. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
15. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
16. I love cats…they taste just like chicken.
17. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
18. Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
19. Born free…Taxed to death.
20. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
21. Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
22. Rehab is for quitters.
23. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
A Man Steps Into A Biker Bar For A Drink
As he is sitting there staring at his drink, a large trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
“Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly and the man burst into tears.
“This is the worst day of my life!” he says “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have insurance. I left my wallet in the uber I took home. I found my wife with another man and my dog bit me”
“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how’s your day going?”
1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.
3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
7. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
10. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
11. Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
12. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
13. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too..
14. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
15. Great Dames for sale.
16. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
17. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
18. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
19. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
20. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
21. Man, honest. Will take anything.
Everyone Losing Is Better Than Someone Winning
(Unless you contributed to their campaign)
Republicans: We have to take care of Americans before we can take care of immigrants!
Democrats: OK, let’s take care of Americans.
Things To Do At A Drive Thru
1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.
2. Drive through backwards.
3. Belch your order.
4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.
5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.
6. Walk through.
7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.
8. Repeat everything the order-taker says.
9. Attempt to take the order-takers order (“Hi, may I take your order?”) before they get a chance to take yours.
10. Order confusing items, i.e., “Hi, I’ll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please”.
11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.
12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they’ll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.
13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.
14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.
15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.
16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.
17. One word: Flatulence!
18. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.
19. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to “check out the babe”.
20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.
I Need To Teach My Kid This
I got pulled over on the HWY for going 7 mph over the speed limit.
As the officer started walking up to my truck, I rolled my windows down.
My adorable and apparently INCREDIBLY smart 7 yr old Granddaughter, started screaming from the backseat:
“It’s coming out!!!!!”
“I can’t hold it any longer Paw Pawwww”
“It’s almost here!!!!!!!! Paw Pawwww!!!”
Now the trooper is HEARING her scream this….
and he stands up on my brush guard leans in the window and asks her “What’s going on here???”
She looks him DEAD IN THE FACE
And says, “I’ve got poop coming outta my butt!!”
He started laughing
I must have looked shocked and embarrassed
He asked how far I had to go, which was about 2 miles home. He told me to drive safe and get Miss Thang home to do her business. He could NOT stop laughing
As soon as we pulled away I asked, “What the hell was that about???”
This kid, smirked and said “I saw it on YouTube but I didn’t think it would work”
I said, “So You’re not pooping?”
She said nope and you’re not in trouble either.
This kid is my hero
Top Twenty Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped
20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You’ve got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned’s trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson…
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You’ve got your fly set for “Monica” instead of “Hillary.”
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction…
3. You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
…And The Number One Way to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped.
1. Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis.
They Should Have Known How Stupid Their Customers Were
In the 1980s, A&W tried to compete with the Mcdonald’s Quarter Pounder by selling a 1/3 pound burger at a lower
cost. The product failed, because most customers thought the 1/4 pound was bigger.
This is why I don’t argue online.
What Car Names Really Mean
ACURA -Another Crummy, Useless, Rotten Automobile
AMC -Another Major Catastrophe
AUDI -Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
BMW -Break My Windshield
BUICK -Big Ugly Import Car Killer
CHEVROLET -Cracked Heads, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
DODGE -Dead On Day Guarantee Expires
FIAT -Fix It Again Tony
FORD -First On Recall Day
FORD -Fix Or Repair Daily
GEO -Good Engineering Overlooked
G. M. -General Maintenance
G. M. -Goshdarn Mess
GMC -Gets Mechanics Crazy
HONDA -Had One, Never Do-that Again
HONDA -Hang On, Not Done Accelerating
HYUNDAI -How Your Usual Nerd Drives An Import
IROC -I Reek Of Cologne
JEEP -Junk Engineering Executed Poorly
LTD -Last Try from Detroit
MAZDA -My! Another Zany Detroit Assassin!
MERCEDES -Most Eccentric Rich Capitalists Enjoy Driving Expensive Sedans
M.G. -Money Guzzler
MITSUBISHI -Mostly In The Shop Undergoing Big Investments, Sometimes Halfway Incomplete
MOPAR -Miscellaneous Oddball Parts Assembled Ridiculously
MUSTANG -Men Usually Stand Together And Never Go
NISSAN -Nine Idiots Standing, Saying Absolutely Nothing
OLDSMOBILE -Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.
PINTO -Put In Nickel To Operate
PONTIAC -Poor Old Nitwit Thinks It’s A Cadillac
PORSCHE -Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything
SAAB -Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
TOYOTA -Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO -Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW -Virtually Worthless
UNIVERSITY of FACEBOOK SCHOOL OF MEDICINE
Have you ever wanted to practice medicine without all the hassle of being responsible for people dying?
Well, here at University of Facebook School of Medicine our motto is “Anyone can be a Doctor”.
Our most popular courses include “Why face masks don’t work” followed by my personal favorite “Masks are unhealthy and cause you to get sick”.
Don’t let your lack of medical training or experience stop you from posting bad medical advice. Our online courses are not limited by classroom size and best of all no enrollment fees or intelligence is required. So, enroll now and start your career as an unqualified Facebook doctor today!