Friday Fun Stuff – 6-27-14

Cereal Mascot Therapy Session

Celebrity Photo PSA (with Malin Akerman)

George Carlin On The 10 Commandments

Transcript from his HBO special “Complaints and Grievances”

Here is my problem with the ten commandments, why exactly are there 10?

You simply do not need ten. The list of ten commandments was artificially and deliberately inflated to get it up to ten. Here’s what happened:

About 5,000 years ago a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to try to figure out how to control people and keep them in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so they announced that God had given them some commandments, up on a mountain, when no one was around.

Well let me ask you this, when they were making this shit up, why did they pick 10? Why not 9 or 11? I’ll tell you why, because 10 sound official. Ten sounds important! Ten is the basis for the decimal system, it’s a decade, it’s a psychologically satisfying number (the top ten, the ten most wanted, the ten best dressed). So having ten commandments was really a marketing decision! It is clearly a bullshit list. It’s a political document artificially inflated to sell better. I will now show you how you can reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list that’s a little more workable and logical. I am going to use the Roman Catholic version because those were the ones I was taught as a little boy.

Let’s start with the first three:




Right off the bat the first three are pure bullshit. Sabbath day? Lord’s name? strange gods? Spooky language! Designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious nonsense like this apply to the lives of intelligent civilized humans in the 21st century. So now we’re down to 7. Next:


Obedience, respect for authority. Just another name for controlling people. The truth is that obedience and respect shouldn’t be automatic. They should be earned and based on the parent’s performance. Some parents deserve respect, but most of them don’t, period. You’re down to six.

Now in the interest of logic, something religion is very uncomfortable with, we’re going to jump around the list a little bit.



Stealing and lying. Well actually, these two both prohibit the same kind of behavior, dishonesty. So you don’t really need two you combine them and call the commandment “thou shalt not be dishonest”. And suddenly you’re down to 5.

And as long as we’re combining I have two others that belong together:



Once again, these two prohibit the same type of behavior. In this case it is marital infidelity. The difference is, coveting takes place in the mind. But I don’t think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else’s wife because what is a guy gonna think about when he’s waxing his carrot? But, marital fidelity is a good idea so we’re gonna keep this one and call it “thou shalt not be unfaithful”. And suddenly we’re down to four.

But when you think about it, honesty and fidelity are really part of the same overall value so, in truth, you could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments and give them simpler language, positive language instead of negative language and call the whole thing “thou shalt always be honest and faithful” and we’re down to 3.


This one is just plain fuckin’ stupid. Coveting your neighbor’s goods is what keeps the economy going! Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays “o come o ye faithful”, and you want one too! Coveting creates jobs, so leave it alone. You throw out coveting and you’re down to 2 now, the big honesty and fidelity commandment and the one we haven’t talked about yet:


Murder. But when you think about it, religion has never really had a big problem with murder. More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason. All you have to do is look at Northern Ireland, Kashmir, the Inquisition, the Crusades, and the World Trade Center to see how seriously the religious folks take thou shalt not kill. The more devout they are, the more they see murder as being negotiable. It depends on who’s doin the killin’ and who’s gettin’ killed. So, with all of this in mind, I give you my revised list of the two commandments:




Two is all you need; Moses could have carried them down the hill in his pocket. And I wouldn’t mind those folks in Alabama posting them on the courthouse wall, as long as they provided one additional commandment:

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.

Ladies Bumper Stickers

1. So Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me.
2. God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends.
3. If They Don’t Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain’t Going.
4. My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips.
5. Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog.
6. Coffee, Chocolate, Men … Some Things Are Just Better Rich.
7. Don’t Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would The Queen.
8. If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In The Kitchen.
9. Dinner Is Ready When The Smoke Alarm Goes Off.
10. I’m Out Of Estrogen – And I Have A Gun.
11. Guys Have Feelings Too. But Like…who Cares?
12. Next Mood Swing: 6 Minutes.
13. And Your Point Is?
14. Warning: I Have An Attitude And I Know How To Use It.
15. Of Course I Don’t Look Busy…i Did It Right The First Time.
16. Do Not Start With Me. You Will Not Win.
17. You Have The Right To Remain Silent, So Please Shut Up.
18. All Stressed Out And No One To Choke.
19. I’m One Of Those Bad Things That Happen To Good People.
20. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
21. Sorry If I Looked Interested. I’m Not.
22. If We Are What We Eat, I’m Fast, Cheap And Easy.
23. Don’t Upset Me! I’m Running Out Of Places To Hide The Bodies


(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_._) a flat ass
(_^_) a bubble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_!__) a lop-sided ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that’s been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass outta this
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^o_) a wise ass
(_13_) an unlucky ass
[_!_] a hard ass

The Poison Wife

A man goes to see his Rabbi.

“Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

The Rabbi asks, “What’s wrong?”

The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”

The man then pleads, “I’m telling you I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?”

The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

The next day the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone yesterday for over three hours. You want my advice?”

The man anxiously answers, “Yes.”

“Take the poison,” says the Rabbi.

Media & Medicine

• News is what somebody somewhere wants to suppress; all the rest is advertising. (Lord Northcliffe)
• You can fool all of the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough. (Joseph E. Levine)
• Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers. (Daniel J. Boorstin)
• There’s no such thing as bad publicity except your own obituary. (Brendan Behan)
• I don’t care what you say about me, as long as you say something about me, and as long as you spell my name right. (George M. Cohan)
• In the future everybody will be world famous for fifteen minutes. (Andy Warhol)
• Small earthquake in Chile. Not many dead. (Claud Cockburn, winning entry for a dullest headline competition at the Times)
• Exercise is bunk. If you are healthy, you don’t need it: if you are sick you should not take it. (Henry Ford)
• I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. (Spike Milligan)
• Either this man is dead or my watch is stopped. (Groucho Marx)
• I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. (Groucho Marx)
• Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it’s all in perfect working order. (Spike Milligan)
• Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. (Mark Twain)

What The Engineers Say And What They Really Mean

“A number of different approaches are being tried”
We’re still grasping at straws

“We’re working on a fresh approach to the problem”
We just hired three kids fresh out of college

“Close project coordination”
We know who to blame

“Major technological breakthrough”
It works OK, but looks very high-tech

“Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured”
We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered

“Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive”
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch

“Test results were extremely gratifying”
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works

“The entire concept will have to be abandoned”
The only person who understood the thing quit

“It is in process”
It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is hopeless

“We’ll look at it”
Forget it! We have enough problems for now

“Please read and initial”
Let’s spread the responsibility for the mistake

“Give us the benefit of your thoughts”
We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we’ve already done

“Give us your interpretation”
I can’t wait to hear this!

“See me” or “Let’s discuss”
Come into my office, I’m lonely

“All new!”
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design

Too heavy to lift

Lighter than rugged

“Years of development”
One finally worked

“Energy saving”
Achieved when the power switch is off

“Low maintenance”
Impossible to fix if broken

Now I’m Assuming That They Really Didn’t Mean For It To Come Out This Way

Here are some actual sentences found in church bulletins and newsletters:

• Don’t let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer
• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
• Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing “Put Me In My Little Bed” accompanied by the pastor.
• Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
• Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
• The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• The associate minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours”

Ways To Annoy The Guy In The Next Stall In A Public Bathroom

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?”
2. Say, “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t have put my lips on that.”
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, “Damn, this water’s cold.”
5. Drop a marble and say, “Oh shit! My glass eye!”
6. Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet.
8. Sigh relaxingly.
9. Say, “Now how did that get there?”
10. Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”
11. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, “Whoa! Easy boy!”
12. Say, “Interesting… more floaters than sinkers.”
13. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?”
14. Say, “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me.”
15. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast.
16. Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.”
17. Say, “Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”
18. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
19. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your “Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
20. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”
21. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free”.

Online Dating Reality Check

If your gut has ever told you that an online dating site profile you’ve read was full of shit… you were most likely right. Women fudge their profiles big time, but you can stay one step ahead of them by knowing the truth behind what their profiles say.

“Occasional smoker” – If she could fit an entire pack of cigarettes in her mouth, light it on fire, and inhale until her lungs explode… she would. And she would then proceed to spend the rest of her non-smoking time yammering on about how she needs to quit smoking once and for all, and this time she means it!

“Occasional drinker” – She’s the one at parties that spends the first half of the night bent back with a funnel full of 140 proof whisky being tossed down her pie hole; and the second half with her fat and only friend holding her hair back while she projectile vomits into the host’s shower stall.

“I like to have fun” – Means she never has any fun, has no friends or hobbies, and hopes you’re going to introduce her to all of your fun friends and take her to all of your fun parties and events so she can finally have a life.

“I’m goal oriented” – She will tell you every day about her desperate desires for a better job, and complain that she is above her current job, but will never actually get a better job because she enjoys whining about her current pathetic state of affairs too much.

“Looking for a committed relationship” – She is severely insecure and will prove it to you by asking you about every single place you go, person you see and web site you visit, bar none. She would implant a GPS tracking device in your neck if she could… sleep tight!

“Body Size: Average” – The rolls of fat hanging out the sides of her shirt that are remarkably similar in appearance to when you pop open a new pack of unbaked Pillsbury bread sticks “are natural and you’re just going to have to accept them” (along with their ever increasing growth in size).

“Height: Prefer Not To Say” – She’s either troll short with those stumpy little legs swishing together as she walks trying to keep up with you; or so tall that unless you’re Shaq it would be like dancing with a giraffe.

“I am career minded” – Every day she will fill you in on every microscopic, mind numbingly boring, blow by blow description of her monotonous low-paying job in such painstaking detail that you will be rummaging through the closets and drawers for something to hang yourself with.

“Likes to travel” – Everyone loves to travel. But when she says it, it means she enjoyed that trip to Disney Land Florida with her folks when she was twelve. She’ll then drone on about all the places she wants to go to, but never will.

“He must be well off” – She doesn’t in fact make any money herself, but has spectacularly expensive taste and needs someone else to shovel an endless supply of cash her way so that she can explore the deepest and darkest corners of her consumerism fantasies without restraint.

You Know It’s Going To Be A BAD DAY When…

1. You wake up face down on the pavement.
2. You jump out of bed in the morning and miss the floor.
3. You turn on the morning news, and they’re showing emergency routes out of your city.
4. Your bar of Ivory soap sinks.
5. You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
6. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
7. Your horn gets stuck when you’re following a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway.
8. You get to work and there’s a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your outer office.
9. Your four-year-old wakes you up with the news that it’s almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
10. Your boss tells you not to bother to remove your coat.
11. Your pet rock snaps at you.
12. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
13. You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke, and then realize that you don’t have a waterbed.
14. Your income tax refund check bounces.
15. Your doctor tells you that you’re allergic to chocolate.
16. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.

And You Thought That Particular Personality Trait Wouldn’t Look Good On Your Resume
And You Thought That Particular Personality Trait Wouldn't Look Good On Your Resume
Belly Flop King!
Belly Flop King
This Computer Was Is The Special Class
This Computer Was Is The Special Class
And Mom Said I’d Never Make A Living As An Artist
And Mom Said I’d Never Make A Living As An Artist
How Many Times Do I have To Tell You To Keep Your Elbows Off The Table!
How Many Times Do I have To Tell You To Keep Your Elbows Off The Table!
So The Rest Of Us Should Enjoy Them Where They Are While We Can
So The Rest Of Us Should Enjoy Them Where They Are While We Can
I’m Hoping This Was A Mistake
I'm Hoping This Was A Mistake
Now Do You Understand What Static Electricity Is?
Now Do You Understand What Static Electricity Is
She’s Just Practicing
She's Just Practicing
Go On Piss Us Off! We Dare Ya!
Go On Piss Us Off!  We Dare Ya!

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