Friday Fun Stuff – 4-11-25

Dora The Middle-Aged Explorer – Studio C

The $lutty Professor – IMBM

IRS Definitions

• Involuntary Revenue Service: The organization that insists on being your financial partner, whether you like it or not.
• Income Removal Squad: The group that’s really good at finding money you didn’t even know you had – and taking it.
• Incredibly Relentless Snoopers: The people who always find out when you’ve been too creative with your deductions.
• Instant Regret Service: The feeling you get when you see how much you owe after filing your taxes.

Why Is Tax Season So Stressful??!!

I called Walmart today to see roughly when my W2 would be in, and they gave me a 1-800 number to call.

I called and after giving the lady all my info, she couldn’t find me.

She asked what my employee number was, and I told her I had no clue. She asked who supervisor was and I said I wasn’t sure either about that either. Then she asked what department I worked in, and I informed her that I’m a self checkout cashier.

The lady proceeded to say “Dude, Really” Followed by a CLICK.

Such unprofessionalism from the corporate office.

Signs Your Passover Seder is Toooo Long

• It has been so long, that your “Seder” wine has aged to the point that it actually tastes acceptable.
• You can swear that your 5 year-old son, who earlier, so cutely, asked “The 4 Questions,” is starting to need to shave.
• So long, that Donald Trump is reelected as President of the United States..again
• Rabbi Akiva’s students come to remind YOU that it’s morning, and time for reciting the morning prayers.
• Your front porch is covered with so many spider webs, and Elijah the Prophet needs a machete to enter your house.
• So long that your grandpa begins snoring to the tune of “Mah Nishtanah”
• For fear of drowning, it’s the third time that Uncle Myron’s snoring head has to be pulled up from his matza ball soup.

And It’s Theoretically Editable Too

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating.

Since Jews do not eat leavened bread during the eight-day holiday, he was eating Matzo, flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations.

A little later, a blind man came by and sat down next to him.

Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.

The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, “Who wrote this nonsense?”

Tax Quotes

“People who complain about taxes can be divided into two classes: men and women.”
“Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.”
“Few of us ever test our powers of deduction, except when filling out an income tax form.”
“Taxation with representation ain’t so hot either.”
“Income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf.”
“Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors… and miss.”
“It’s income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.”
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
“It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for.”
“This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher.”
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today.”
“You don’t pay taxes — they take taxes.”
“There may be liberty and justice for all, but there are tax breaks only for some.”
“The nation should have a tax system that looks like someone designed it on purpose.”
“Dear IRS, I am writing to you to cancel my subscription. Please remove my name from your mailing list.”
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”

Grandparents Voice Mail

Good morning … At present we are not at home, but please leave your message after you hear the beep.

If you are one of our children, dial I and then select the option from I to 5 in order of “birth arrival” so we know who it is.
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and do ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to
have it delivered to your home, press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, press 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner or take us to the theater, start talking …. we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!”

More Female Sarcasm

1. Mirror, mirror, on the wall…I’m my mother after all
2. See, honey? I’m fresh out of give-a-damn
3. I love not camping
4. Now dear, name one famous, successful person who had a happy childhood
5. Excuse me…we’re looking for that village where people help you raise your children?
6. What a coincidence! You embarrass me too!
7. This wine pairs well with screaming at people in your head
8. When one door closes it sure as hell wasn’t my kids who did it
9. You’re never too old…to try something stupid
10. Long story short; I made bail
11. If only we could cover up all our mistakes with frosting
12. I dressed to kill, so don’t push your luck
13. But I’m too young for a mini-van!
14. And then I said “Only mommies are allowed to use that word”
15. …and then she skipped the bake sale, wrote a check to the PTA, and lived happily ever after
16. “High maintenance” doesn’t begin to cover it
17. Somebody get me a piñata, I really need to hit something
18. All I want is a place that is hot and dry with a 100% chance of frozen margaritas
19. God Bless This Empty Nest
20. I order… they deliver… everyone’s happy!
21. Please stop me before I volunteer again
22. Every day is a @#%& gift!

It Was Still Good To Know

My parents used to teach me table manners “for job interviews” and that’s hilarious now because job interviews aren’t formal lunches, they’re telling a computer you have no emotional needs and then peeing in a cup to prove you know how fast you metabolize weed.

Actual Things Health Care Workers Have Had To Tell Their Patients

1. “A young couple came in, both upset and confused about the fact that the woman had become pregnant. They stressed the fact that they were on birth control, specifically they were on the pill.
However, before I could say anything, the boyfriend quietly took me aside and explained to me that he had been taking the pill instead of his girlfriend because she had a weak stomach and couldn’t take pills.”

2. “A patient came in for an STD check. She was very upset and continued to stress the fact that she only ever had one partner.
‘And even if my boyfriend is sleeping with other people, it shouldn’t matter,’ said the patient. ‘My boyfriend uses a condom every time and makes sure to wash it thoroughly after every use.’
The ER nurse asked the patient what she meant when she said her boyfriend washes it every time. The patient explained that her boyfriend washed the same old condom with hot water and soap before he used it. Every time.
I had to kindly explain to a grown woman that condoms are a one-time use product. She had no clue.”

3. “These weren’t patients of mine, but I once overheard the following conversation in the waiting room:
Man 1: ‘My daughter is allergic to wheat.’
Man 2: ‘So she can’t eat bread or anything?’
Man 1: ‘We only give her white bread.’
Man 2: ‘Oh yeah, I guess bread only has wheat if it says it on there. Like whole wheat or whatever.’
Man 1: ‘Yeah, I guess.’
Man 2: ‘So can she eat pizza?’
Man 1: ‘Only cheese pizza.’”

4. “A lady had to have her foot amputated and was given waiver forms to sign pre-op. The patient is asked if she needs time to think about her decision. She’s surprisingly calm and nonchalant, she doesn’t seem to care much about what they do to her limb.
The doctor gets suspicious and probes a bit further, asking why she’s not more concerned. The patient says she understands that they have to operate, but that it’s okay because the foot will grow back.
The doctor had to explain to the woman that she is not, in fact, a salamander and that limbs do not grow back in humans.”

5. “More than one patient has come into my vets’ office complaining about their dog’s chest.
One man thought his male dog’s nipples were giant blood-sucking ticks. He actually tried poking at them and lightly pulling on them, complaining that they are impossible to remove
A woman also came in complaining that her dog had huge tumors growing on its chest. Nope. Again, just nipples.

6. “I once had a meeting with a patient about their diet and nutritional intake. I ended up having to explain to this person that, no, Coca-cola is NOT in fact a vegetable.
Just because it says ‘contains vegetable extracts’ on the side of a can of Coke does not mean it can count as one of your five veggies a day.”

7. “Paramedic here, I have had to inform numerous people that pouring Gatorade into the mouth of unresponsive diabetics is not a good idea.”

8. “I’m a registered nurse, not a doctor, but here’s the story:
The patient was a newly diagnosed diabetic who needed to be taught how to inject insulin. So the diabetes educator did the good old routine of taking an orange, drawing up insulin, then injecting it into the orange. He then made the patient repeat this practice routine a few times.
The patient goes home. He comes back in a week and his blood sugar is out of control. They ask him if he’s been taking his insulin and he goes, ‘of course.’ So they decide to ask him to demonstrate how he injects insulin. The patient goes, ‘Sure, I just need an orange.’
At this point, I started facepalming hard because I know where this one is heading. But of course, they got him an orange and a vial of insulin with a syringe. So the guy draws up the insulin correctly, takes the syringe, injects it into the orange, and then says, ‘and then I eat the orange.’
At this point, I had to walk out because I nearly lost my cool right there.”

9. “My best friend’s mom is a nurse at a hospital in an area with a lot of gang activity. More than once, she has had to explain to the family of her deceased patients that you can’t get a brain transplant after getting shot in the head. Or at all really.”

10. “Not a doctor, but a good friend of mine is. He once told that he had to explain to one of his patients that regular band-aids do not cure anything at all, but just cover up a wound. The patient in question had tried to cure her recently diagnosed Type-II diabetes by sticking band-aids all over herself.”

11. “Another lady I was seeing for clinicals was diabetic, and she would come in every week with stupid high blood sugar levels (250-560ish), not knowing why they were so high.
She kept a record of everything she ate, and all her food intake seemed fine. One day, her husband came with her, which was weird, and he ninja slipped me a note while shaking my hand. It read, ‘Ask her about the Quiktrip slushies. She doesn’t believe me that they have sugar in them.’
So I asked her if she was having any soda, lemonade, tea, ice cream, shakes, or slushies, and she told me like a light bulb had gone off in her head, ‘Well, I have been drinking about 3 of the 48oz Quiktrip slushies every day for a while now. They’re just so good! And they aren’t food or drink, they’re slushies! So they don’t have any sugar in them, and I don’t need to record them!’
It was so hard to convince her that those are so full of sugar it isn’t even funny.
But seriously. Three a day on a type two diabetic. It was one of the stupidest things I have ever heard in my life.”

12. “I’m doing counseling in an STI testing clinic.
I had to explain to a young gay couple that if they both tested negative for HIV and don’t cheat on each other, that they could not get infected with HIV out of anywhere. They seemed to think that unprotected gay sex spontaneously generates an HIV infection.”

13. “I’m not an M.D. but I am an eye doctor. Recently, I had to tell a patient that no, you should not attempt to continue wearing a contact lens that was dropped in the damn toilet! Maybe that’s where your eye infection came from?”

14. “A woman came in for a baby check with her 6-month-old and she had what looked like chocolate milk in the baby’s bottle. The doctor started explaining to her as kindly as he could that she shouldn’t be giving her baby chocolate milk, at which point she interrupts him and says ‘Oh that isn’t chocolate milk. It’s coffee! He just loves it!”

Hey, It Worked Didn’t It

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a cliff, about to jump off.

An old homeless man who was wandering by stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won’t matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?”

She screamed, “NO! Fuck off you filthy old bastard!”

He shrugged and turned away saying. “Okay then, I’ll just go and wait at the bottom.”

She didn’t jump

Counseling can work!!!

Whats Wrong With This Picture?