Friday Fun Stuff – 11-27-20

The Olympia Restaurant: Cheeseburger, Chips and Pepsi – SNL

Bart Simpson’s Best Prank Calls

Mark Jan 19 2021 On Your Calendar

Where: 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington D.C.
Event: Going Out of Office Sale

Everything is on sale!

You can buy earrings, cuff links and tie clips made from portions of the Border Wall.

Thousands of MAGA ball caps , many Trumpy Bears- make him an offer.\

This is your last chance to get an official pardon from El Presidente.

With your paid admission, your will get a 2020 “I voted for Trump and all I got was this lousy t-shirt”.

Masks are not required.

Shop at Crazy Donald’s, He’s Insane.

Rejected Dr. Seuss Books

1. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
2. Who Shat in the Hat?
3. Horton Hires a Ho
4. Fox in Detox
5. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo–Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. The Cat in the Blender
11. Are You My Proctologist?
12. Yentl the Lentil
13. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
14. Aunts in My Pants
15. Oh, the Places You’ll Scratch and Sniff!
16. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
17. The Grinch’s Ten Inches

What Happens When A Fly Falls Into A Coffee Cup?

The Frenchman – throws the cup and walks away in a fit of rage
The Italian – takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee
The Chinese – eats the fly and throws away the coffee
The Russian – drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge
The Israeli – sells the coffee to the Frenchman, the fly to the Chinese, buys himself a new cup of coffee and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee

The Palestinian – blames the Israeli for the fly falling into his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union for a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, and the Russian are trying to explain to the Israeli why he should give away his cup of coffee to the Palestinian.

Personal Ads

Heavy drinker, 35. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, football, and starting fights at three o’clock in the morning.

Bitter, disillusioned man, lately rejected by longtime fiancée, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.

Ginger haired man, a troublemaker, gets shit-faced and punches cops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.

Devil-worshipper, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.

Man, 26, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 24 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.

She Asked Her Class To Use The Word “Fascinate” In A Sentence.

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word “fascinate, not fascinating”.

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated. ”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word “fascinate.”

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate”, so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.

Tips For Handling Telemarketers

From the late, great Andy Rooney

Three Little Words That Work!!
‘Hold On, Please…’

Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company’s ‘beep-beep-beep’ tone, you know it’s time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.

These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.

This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a ‘real’ sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer!!!

(3) Junk Mail Help:
When you get ‘ads’ enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these ‘ads’ with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those ‘pre-approved’ letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 41 cents postage ‘IF’ and when they receive them back.

It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.

Funny Interview Answers

Q: Why did you leave your last job?
A: It sucked.

Q: What are your biggest weaknesses?
A: I can’t concentrate for more than five minutes, hate all forms of authority and tend to fall asleep at my desk.

Q: You don’t seem to hold on to a job long. Why should we think you’ll stay here any longer than you’ve stayed elsewhere?
A: My employers have always had a hang-up about keeping only competent employees.

Q: How do you handle change?
A: I deal with it everyday, unless I’m out of clean underwear.

Q: How do you get along with others?
A: Fine, as long as they stay out of my face.

Q: What does the word success mean to you?
A: It means that I don’t have to drag my sorry ass out of bed to kiss yours.

Q: What does the word failure mean to you?
A: It means I continue to collect unemployment insurance.

Q: Do you get along with your current boss?
A: I get along fine, considering what kind of a malicious person he is.

Q: Do you ever get angry with co-workers?
A: I don’t get angry, I get even.

Q: What brought you to our company?
A: Oh, I drove myself.

The Sierra Club And The U.S. Forest Service

You gotta understand the problem before you can solve it – another life lesson

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a “more humane” solution to this issue.
What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive.
The males would then be castrated and let loose again.

This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said; “Son, I don’t think you understand our problem here… these coyotes ain’t screwin’ our sheep… they’re eatin’ ‘em!”

The meeting never really got back to order.

Are You Smarter Than A 5th or 6th Grader?

Some thoughts about science from 5th and 6th grade students:

Q: What is one horsepower?
A: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

Talc is found on rocks and on babies.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

Lime is a green-tasting rock.

Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don’t why you should.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they’re there.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H’s as O’s.

Clouds are high flying fogs.

Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won’t drown when we breathe.

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.

A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

The wind is like the air, only pushier.

Man Shocks Everyone At His Retirement Dinner With This. But Then This Happened.

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. The leading local politician was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was late, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

He commenced with: “Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor!”

I’ll got my first impression of this parish from the very first confession I ever heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.

He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had affair with his boss’s 20 year old daughter, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, ” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late.

If You Didn’t Know Before, Now You Know, This Year Has Been Hard On Everybody