WKRP Turkey Drop
Funny Thanksgiving Quotes
If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself. – Mitch Hedberg
A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense, when you hear them consider saying “that smells good” to be helping. – Jimmy Fallon
It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak. – Phyllis Diller
Thanksgiving – when the people who are the most thankful are the ones who didn’t have to cook. – Melanie White
I’m excited about Thanksgiving because I love unwelcome parenting advice from relatives I see twice a year.
Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often. – Johnny Carson
It’s not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it’s the seconds.
We’re having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing. – George Carlin
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not a coincidence. – Erma Bombeck
Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, Blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are? – Kenny Rogerson
On Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment — halftime.
I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. – Jon Stewart
I like football. I find it an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversations with your family on Thanksgiving. – Craig Ferguson
Thanksgiving is the day men start getting in shape … to play Santa Claus. – Melanie White
I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that. – Howie Mandel
I don’t eat pumpkin pie. It’s made from the guts of jack-o-lanterns, and that’s just spooky. – Melanie White
“The meal isn’t over when I’m full, the meal is over when I hate myself.” – Louis C.K.
“I love Thanksgiving turkey … it’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.” – Arnold Schwarzenegger
Funny Thanksgiving Quotes
If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself. – Mitch Hedberg
A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense, when you hear them consider saying “that smells good” to be helping. – Jimmy Fallon
It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak. – Phyllis Diller
Thanksgiving – when the people who are the most thankful are the ones who didn’t have to cook. – Melanie White
I’m excited about Thanksgiving because I love unwelcome parenting advice from relatives I see twice a year.
Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often. – Johnny Carson
It’s not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it’s the seconds.
We’re having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing. – George Carlin
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not a coincidence. – Erma Bombeck
Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, Blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are? – Kenny Rogerson
On Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment — halftime.
I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. – Jon Stewart
I like football. I find it an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversations with your family on Thanksgiving. – Craig Ferguson
Thanksgiving is the day men start getting in shape … to play Santa Claus. – Melanie White
I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that. – Howie Mandel
I don’t eat pumpkin pie. It’s made from the guts of jack-o-lanterns, and that’s just spooky. – Melanie White
“The meal isn’t over when I’m full, the meal is over when I hate myself.” – Louis C.K.
“I love Thanksgiving turkey … it’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.” – Arnold Schwarzenegger
How Do You Know You Went Too Far This Thanksgiving:
- You have grease stains on your butt – but you never sat down.
- You kind of suspect the amount of potatoes you used might have started a brand new potato famine, this time in Idaho.
- You ask your wife if you have the Jaws of Life at home when you need to get off the couch.
- You went for a blood test the week after and the only thing the nurse could draw from your arm was slightly darker gravy.
- The steering wheel is starting to get uncomfortably personal.
- The dog eyes you with new respect.
- While you were taking a nap after food, somebody quietly put a large plastic sheet under you, and a few dozen sandbags around you.
Farting On Thanksgiving
Once upon a time, there was a very happy, long-married couple who ran a small farm.
They loved each other and all, there was just one problem – the guy farted incredibly, and enjoyed ripping seriously loud ones in bed especially.
The wife complained for years, pleaded – in vain. “One day, you’ll spill your guts out, you mark my words!” was the lady’s frequent closing warning.
Then one Thanksgiving morning, gutting the turkey, she had a stroke of genius. She took all the turkey’s guts and went to their bedroom and quietly slipped them under the still sleeping man’s covers. “That’ll teach him!” she thought with satisfaction and went back to her work.
At 10 the man was still nowhere to be seen – quite shocking for a farmer – and she was starting to worry when finally her husband came down – walking a little strange, wearing an even stranger expression.
“You were right about the farting, Ida,” he panted, “I’m ashamed to admit that I did fart my guts out. But with the help of our Lord and these two fingers, all is right again!”
The Nightmare That Is Hosting Thanksgiving
Nov. 1: Invites extended family over for Thanksgiving feast.
3 weeks later: What in the hell was I thinking?
I’ll host Thanksgiving, you just bring yourselves. Oh and wine. A dessert if you want. Maybe a turkey. Bring your house if it’s not too much
Thanksgiving is a sweet day where my kids scream for hours while I cook & then my 4 year old announces at the table that Grandma Edna smells funny.
Do your parents like Jell-O shots?
-Me trying to make a shopping list for Thanksgiving.
Get into the spirit of hosting Thanksgiving by lying awake at 4 AM worrying because you didn’t wash your windows.
Earlier this year I used the turkey baster to suck power steering fluid out of the ps fluid reservoir before changing the ps pump in our car. I forgot to replace the baster it and now it’s a crisis.
Fun game:
Text your mom on Thanksgiving afternoon “How many minutes do I microwave a 25lb frozen turkey?”
I am hosting Thanksgiving dinner this yr. I asked my guests to bring the turkey, stuffing, veggies, drinks & dessert. That’s hosting right?
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Husband: Do you want to go see a movie tonight or something?
Me: Are you insane? Do you not realize that I only have two weeks left to prepare to host Thanksgiving???
I just shredded a cool 72 ounces of cheese for thanksgiving. these fools don’t appreciate me the way they should.
THANKSGIVING GAME: nobody gets pie until you go around the table & everyone has to say “climate change is real”
I like to host Thanksgiving so my kids can feel free to throw tantrums and not eat dinner in their own comfortable surroundings.
My mom made everyone get out of her picture with the food cause “ain’t nobody help”
How I host Thanksgiving:
1. Survey messy house
2. Give up on cleaning anything
3. Get others to make the food
4. Hang out on Twitter
5. Nap
Its Not A Family Gathering Until you drag the lawn furniture into the middle of the living room, so that everyone has a place to sit.
Want a glimpse of hell? Go grocery shopping the day before Thanksgiving.
I love Thanksgiving. Can’t wait to slave for hours over a meal my kids will rudely reject in front of relatives who are judging my parenting
What part of my house can I clean now, and still have it be clean in a week?
My recipe for the perfect juicy Thanksgiving turkey for your family gathering:
1.) Buy whiskey
2.) Preheat oven to 500°
3.) Get in
A Thanksgiving dinner recipe: Order that shit already made from the grocery store, pour yourself a drink, sit back, and relax. You’re welcome.
Thanksgiving Pro Tip: Never eat any food offered to you by an adorable toddler relative. It might look like a cookie, or piece of candy, but it’s actually the flu.
Thanksgiving always reminds me of the year I made an apple pie with brown sugar and a relative who shall not be named said the pie was too spicy.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is when multiple families come together to argue over the pronunciation of pecan pie.
And we’re at the part of Thanksgiving night where my wife’s uncle is describing what technically constitutes a proper noose.
Son: “Wow Mommy, how did you cook all the Thanksgiving food so fast?”
Me: “Because I’m pregnant, so this is the first year in a long time that Mommy isn’t cooking while drunk, honey.”
Thanksgiving: A time to be thankful even after pleading with your child for an hour to JUST TRY IT, giving up when they only eat a roll.
You have to admire husband’s focus as he plays on his iPad while I furiously chop carrots tapping out “I hate you” in morse code w my knife.
“There’s nothing to eat here!”
-This coming from the kid that skipped Thanksgiving turkey & 11 side dishes to eat bread.
Serious thanksgiving question: when a family member’s telling a tragic story and everyone’s crying, how long should i wait before taking a bite of my pie?
Everyone: “This turkey is so good”
Uncle: “……you know what’s not good?”
Everyone: “Pls don’t..”
Uncle: “THE GOD DAMN LIBERALS”
Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.
Instead of asking why I’m not making a Thanksgiving turkey for my family, ask yourself why you aren’t ordering a Thanksgiving pizza.
Thanksgiving and Christmas are the holidays where you get all dressed up to just be in your kitchen and living room
If you didn’t start defrosting your Thanksgiving turkey in early October it’s already too late.
The hardest part about Thanksgiving is convincing the family I only eat like this on holidays
when to start defrosting your turkey:
•4-8 lbs: Monday night
•8-15 lbs: Sunday at 6:23pm
•16-30 lbs: Labor Day
•35+ lbs: that’s a pug, you have my pug
Fun Things To Do On A Blind Dates
Most of these dates are bad from the start so you might as well have some fun with it.
1. Eat everything on your plate within seconds of it being placed in front of you.
2. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her “What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?”
3. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
4. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
5. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
6. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
7. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
8. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
9. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
10. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
11. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
12. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements… i.e anything on the table that isn’t bolted down.
13. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
14. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
15. Auction your date off for silverware.
16. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
17. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you “never got”. When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
18. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
19. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgment in editing to twist their words around.
20. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
Top NFL Referee Complaints
After shooting the blank gun to end the half, the Dallas Cowboy players start shooting back with live ammunition.
Players get “the wave”. . . refs get “the finger”.
Anyone who makes a call against the Detroit Lions risks pissing off their last remaining fan.
With Reggie White retired, the penalty for “Illegal use of a racial slur” is meaningless.
Just when we thought it was safe to be an NFL Ref, we have to go back to frickin’ CLEVELAND!!!
Thanks to instant replay, picking nose during a game is twice as risky.
Everyone else gets to wear their Autumn colors, but for me it’s black and white week after week after week!
Don King only bribes boxing judges.
Official rule books not made in Braille.
I’m the one that everybody wants to kill, so where’s MY helmet and pads?!
No Speak English
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn’t know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn’t know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store.
(Please scroll down.)
What were you thinking?
Her husband speaks English!
Now get back to your emails.
I worry about you sometimes!
More Of I’d Love To, But…
Just once I’d like to be able to say one of these instead of hearing them.
1. I’m attending the opening of my garage door.
2. I’m sandblasting my oven.
3. I’m worried about my vertical hold.
4. I’m going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
5. I’m being deported.
6. I’ll be looking for a parking space.
7. My Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
8. The monsters haven’t turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
9. I’m taking punk totem pole carving.
10. I have to fluff my shower cap.
11. I’m converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
12. I’ve come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
13. I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
14. My plot to take over the world is thickening.
15. I have to fulfill my potential.
16. I don’t want to leave my comfort zone.
17. It’s too close to the turn of the century.
18. I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
19. My subconscious says no.
20. I’m giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
21. I left my body in my other clothes.
22. The last time I went, I never came back.
23. I’ve got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
24. I have to answer all of my “occupant” letters.
The Affair’s
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded. ‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied, ‘I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.
She looked down at his shoes and said: ‘You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!’
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?’
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: ‘No, not this time!’
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
‘I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.’ So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
‘I have something to show you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
‘My God!’ the wife exclaimed, ‘Schwartz is dead!’
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. ‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. ‘Don’t move until I tell you,’ she said. ‘Pretend you’re a statue.’
‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired as he entered the room. ‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied. ‘The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.’
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. ‘Here,’ he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.’
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. ‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’ ‘One Cent?’ the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: ‘How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?’ ‘A nickel,’ the barman replied. ‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man.
‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’ The bartender replied: ‘Upstairs, with my wife.’ The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?’
The bartender replied: ‘The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.’
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: ‘I have something I must confess.’ There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied.
‘No,’ he insisted, I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!’ I know,’ she replied. Now just rest and let the poison work.
| Just Make Him Do The Dishes! |
|
| I’ve Seen Some People Who Could Use One Of Those |
|
| What Was Your First Clue? |
|
| I Guess He Really Needed A Brain Instead Of A Hart |
|
| Just Another Pizza Night For The Straight Single Man Who Can’t Cook! |
|
| Trying To Start A New Tradition |
|
| There’s Usually Too Much Fat On Those Things |
|
| You Still Wouldn’t Get Any |
|
| And You Thought Your Families Thanksgiving Was Awkward |
|
| I Told You To Stop Hanging Out With Those Turkeys! |
|
