How To Prepare For Second Puberty
Burning Calories At Work
Beating around the bush… 75
Jumping to conclusions… 100
Climbing the walls… 150
Swallowing your pride… 50
Passing the buck… 25
Throwing your weight around… 50-300
Dragging your heels… 100
Pushing your luck… 250
Making mountains out of molehills… 500
Hitting the nail on the head… 50
Wading through paperwork… 300
Bending over backwards… 75
Jumping on the bandwagon… 200
Balancing the books… 25
Running around in circles… 350
Eating crow… 225
Tooting your own horn… 25
Climbing the ladder of success… 750
Pulling out the stops… 75
Adding fuel to the fire… 160
Wrapping it up at the day’s end… 12
To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:
Opening a can of worms… 50
Putting your foot in your mouth… 300
Starting the ball rolling… 90
Going over the edge… 25
Picking up the pieces after… 350
Counting eggs before they hatch… 6
Calling it quits… 2
Are My Testicles Black?
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. “Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?” Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet. “He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black? “Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine. “The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely, Are – my – test – results – back?”
College Football At Its Best
Ohio State’s Urban Meyer on one of his players: “He doesn’t know the meaning of the word “fear.” In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of words.”
Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That’s a sophomore course.
How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.
Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, “Look, a dead bird.”
The other looked up in the sky and said, “Where?”
A University of Cincinnati football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident. He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death.
Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.
What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit? ”
“Will the defendant please rise.”
If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?
The police officer.
How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?
There’s tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.
University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the Other half will have to dress themselves.
How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?
They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Why did the Colorado linebacker steal a police car?
He saw “911″ on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
What are the longest three years of a University of Kentucky football player’s life?
Freshman I, Freshman II, and Freshman III.
The program manager couldn’t grasp the idea of gathering requirements at the start of a project. “At a project kickoff meeting, which he had neglected to actually invite the customer to, we had a lot of discussion around what the software we were creating was supposed to do,” says a programmer on the team. “I suggested putting together a requirements teleconference with the customer to clarify their ideas and goals.”
PM’s response? “I was told we were already behind schedule and didn’t have time to meet with the customer.”
Comeback Tips For Women
HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I’d rather have the money.
HE: I’m a photographer. I’ve been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I’m a plastic surgeon. I’ve been looking for a face like yours.
HE: Hi. Didn’t we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must’ve been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must’ve been given your share.
HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I’m having a headache this weekend.
HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE: Go on, don’t be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.
HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can’t talk and laugh at the same time.
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don’t you already have one?
HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I’ve already seen it.
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven’t I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That’s why I don’t go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Confusion At The Store
There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.”
Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?
2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?
3. Why can’t woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?
4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say “hi, my name’s Bob. I’m an alcoholic”?
5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?
6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?
8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a use-by date?
9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say “I think i’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out”?
11. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?
12. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?
13. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
14. Why do you call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
15. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?
Universal College Grade Change Form
To: Professor _______________
I think my grade in your course, ___, should be changed from ___ to ___ for the following reasons:
__1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
__2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
__3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won’t get into:
__The Mickey Mouse Club
__Tri County Tech
__4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in ______.
__5. I’ll lose my scholarship.
__6. I’m on a varsity sports team, and my tutor couldn’t find a copy of your exam for me.
__7. I didn’t come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.
__8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.
__9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.
__10. You are prejudiced against:
__11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.
__12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:
__ broken baby finger
__ acute alcoholism
__13. You told us to be creative but you didn’t tell us exactly how you wanted that done.
__14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
__15. I don’t have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
__16. The lectures were:
__ too detailed to pick out important points.
__ not explained in any sufficient detail.
__ your class was far too boring.
__ all jokes and not enough material.
__ all of the above.
__17. This course was:
__too early, I was not awake.
__at lunchtime, I was hungry.
__too late, I was tired.
__18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course.
__19. Other reason: __________________.
Ways To Get Rid Of Your Blind Date
1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you’ll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
3. Wipe your nose on your date’s sleeve. Twice.
4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
6. Give your claim to fame as being voted “Most Festerous” for your high school yearbook.
7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
8. Stare at your date’s neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don’t know what they are talking about.
10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
11. Order a bucket of lard.
12. Ask for crayons to color the place-mat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
13. Howl and whistle at women’s’ legs, especially if you are female.
14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.
16. Sacrifice French fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
18. Without asking, eat off your date’s plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her “What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?”
23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
Well, It Looked Real…Sort Of
Dear person who left stuffed animals in the dryer,
Your animal fell out of the dryer very fast & I thought it was alive.
I stabbed it with my army knife, I see now it was not alive. Sorry about your stuffed animal.
I am on shrooms.