Friday Fun Stuff – 4-15-16

GOP Date: The Dating App For Discriminating Republicans

Rodney Dangerfield Funniest Jokes Ever On The Johnny Carson Show 1983

Are You: In Love, Lust, Or Married?

LOVE………………….when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST…………………..when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE…………when your belt won’t meet around your waist, and you don’t care.

LOVE………………….when intercourse is called making love.
LUST…………………..all other times.
MARRIAGE…………what’s intercourse?

LOVE………………….when you argue over how many children to have.
LUST…………………..when you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE…………when you argue over money.

LOVE………………….when you share everything you own.
LUST…………………..when you think twice about giving your partner bus money.
MARRIAGE…………when the bank owns everything.

LOVE………………….when it doesn’t matter if you don’t climax.
LUST…………………..when the relationship is over if you don’t climax.
MARRIAGE…………what’s a climax?

LOVE………………….when you phone each other just to say hello.
LUST…………………..when you phone each other just to organize sex.
MARRIAGE…………when you phone each other to find out what time your son’s game starts.

LOVE………………….when you write poems about your partner.
LUST…………………..when all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE…………when all you write is checks.

LOVE………………….when you show concern for your partners’ feelings.
LUST…………………..when you couldn’t give a shit.
MARRIAGE…………when your only concern is what’s on TV.

LOVE………………….when your farewell is “I love you darling …”
LUST…………………..when your farewell is “So, same time next week?”
MARRIAGE…………when your farewell is silent.

LOVE………………….when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST…………………..when you only ever see each other in the bedroom.
MARRIAGE…………when you never see each other awake.

LOVE………………….when your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST…………………..when your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE…………when your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE………………….when nobody else matters.
LUST…………………..when nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE…………when everybody else matters and you don’t care who knows.

LOVE………………….when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST…………………..when it’s just the same mushy old shit.
MARRIAGE…………when you never listen to music.

LOVE………………….when breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST…………………..when staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE…………when just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE………………….when you’re interested in everything your partner does.
LUST…………………..when you’re only interested in one thing.
MARRIAGE…………when you’re not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you’re interested in is your golf score.

IRS Letter

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better. This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS the midst of 1995s weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions and credits. The letter speaks for itself.

Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you!

I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are evil and expensive. It’s only fair that, since they are minors and no longer my responsibility, the government should know something about them and what to expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next year and reinstate the deduction. They are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people’s questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it’s wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn’t run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I’ve had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP’ing houses. In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what’s the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You’ll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I’ll take care of filing your phone number with the vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatable’s, vehicles, or telephones. (They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic one year. I’m sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim’s. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. “Hooked On Phonics” is expensive, so the schools dropped it. But here’s the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying me! It’s quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two). She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her “r’s”. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of “nests” in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest two, I will still go bankrupt with Kristen’s college, but then I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won’t feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Yours truly,
Bob

(Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.)

Celebrity Quotes

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.” – Sharon Stone

“My girlfriend always laughs during sex—no matter what she’s reading.” - Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it. I said, “Thyroid problem?” - Arnold Schwarzenegger

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” – Tiger Woods

“Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.” – Rev. Jesse Jackson

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” – Jack Nicholson

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.” – Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet” - Robin Williams

“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.” – Roseanne

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” – Billy Crystal

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.” – Robert De Niro

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?” - Dustin Hoffman

“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked.” – Jerry Seinfield

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” - Rod Stewart

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” – Robin Williams

The Trip to Area 51

You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51?”

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane. . .only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night.”

What My Parents Taught Me…

1. TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
2. RELIGION: “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3. TIME TRAVEL: “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
4. LOGIC: “Because I said so, that’s why.”
5. MORE LOGIC: ‘If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
6. IRONY: “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.
7. SCIENCE OF OSMOSIS: “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
8. CONTORTIONISM: “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
9. STAMINA: ‘You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
10. WEATHER: “This room of yours looks as if a cyclone went through it.”
11. HYPOCRISY: “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
12. CIRCLE OF LIFE: “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
13. BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: “Stop acting like your father!”
14. ENVY: “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
15. ANTICIPATION: “Just wait until we get home.”
16. RECEIVING: “You are going to get it when you get home!”
17. MEDICAL SCIENCE: “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
18. ESP: “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
19. HUMOR: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
20. HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT: “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
21. GENETICS: “You’re just like your mother.”
22. ROOTS: “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
23. WISDOM: “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
24. FORESIGHT: “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
25. JUSTICE: “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

Computer Trouble

Judy, the editor of a trivia publication, was having trouble with her computer. So she called Dave, the computer guy, over to her desk. Dave clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Judy called after him, “So, what was wrong?”

And he replied, “It was an ID ten T error.”

A puzzled expression ran over Judy’s face. “An ID ten T error? What’s that in case I need to fix it again??”

He gave her a grin, “Haven’t you heard of an ID ten T error before.”

“No,” replied Judy.

“Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.”

She wrote: ID10T

Dog Property Laws

1. If I like it, it’s mine.
2. If it’s in my mouth, it’s mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
5. If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it’s mine.
8. If I saw it first, it’s mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it’s broken, it’s yours.

Why Marry Abroad?

The Pentagon once did a study on why so many American servicemen marry women in the countries where they’re stationed. Contrary to popular belief, loneliness had nothing to do with it. Once the men rotated back to the US, all their in-laws were thousands of miles away.

Error Messages

The following are new Error Messages planned for the next version of Windows:

1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: “You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?”
10) This is a message from God: “Rebooting the universe, please log off.”
11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted. Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted… Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417 A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found… Use backup… PENCIL & PAPER.
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows Virus Scan 1.0 – “OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)”
22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

Don’t Talk To My Parrot

Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check.”

“Oh, by the way don’t worry about my bulldog Spike. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!” “I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”

When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”

To which the parrot replied, “Sick Him, Spike!”

See men just don’t listen!

Was This Really A Surprise To Anyone?