Friday Fun Stuff – 12-20-24

David Mitchell Has A Rant About Christmas

The Predator Holiday Special

Fun Ways To Confuse Santa

1. Rather than milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note stating that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he’s in your house, find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note saying you’re away on holidays and asking if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he’s in your house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas, then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes wild when he sees a little red cape, just wait until he sees that big, red, Santa suit.

6. Throw a surprise party for him when he comes down the chimney and refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

7. While he’s still in your house, find his sleigh and sit in it. When he comes back out and sees you, tell him he never should have missed that last payment, and take off.

8. Leave a plate filled with freshly baked cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, ‘For The Tooth Fairy’. Leave another plate out with a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass, with a note that says, ‘For Santa’.

9. Remove everything from your house, as if it’s just been robbed. Then, when Santa arrives, show up in a policeman’s uniform and say, “Well, well. They always return to the scene of a crime.”

10. Leave him a copy of your Christmas wish list, with last minute changes and corrections.

11. While he’s in your house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

12. Leave numerous hunting trophies and guns out where Santa is sure to see them. Go outside and yell, “Look, a deer! And he has a red nose!” and fire a gun.

13. Leave a Santa suit out, with a dry cleaning bill.

14. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney and wait for Santa to get caught in it. Then, quickly apologize and explain that, from a distance, he looked like a bear.

15. Paint ‘hoof-prints’ all over your face and clothes. While he’s in your house, go out onto the roof. When he comes back up, act like you’ve been trampled and threaten to sue.

16. Rather than the usual Christmas ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

17. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to arrive and then say, “This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us.”

Damn Fat Man!

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

Psychological Christmas Songs

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY – Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

DEMENTIA – I Think I’ll Be Home For Christmas.

MANIA – Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town …or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY – We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

NARCISSISTIC – Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me).

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE – Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell….

PARANOIA – Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE – On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

PERSONALITY DISORDER – You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I’ll tell you why.

SCHIZOPHRENIA – Do You Hear What I Hear?

Holiday Fruitcake Recipe
—————————
You’ll need the following:
1 C water
1 C sugar
1 C brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 tsp. lemon juice
1 tsp. baking soda
2 C dried fruit nuts
1 tsp. salt
1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer.

Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares.

Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don’t forget to off the beat turner. Throw the bowl out the window. Check the whiskey again.

Go to bed. Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway?!

Signs Your Wife Is Sleeping With Santa

* Instead of cookies and milk, she leaves out a fifth of Scotch and edible panties.
* Comes home with tinsel stuck between her teeth and Claus marks on her back.
* Of the 200 presents for her under the tree, you bought three of them.
* Never very adventuresome in bed, she suddenly asks if you want to do it “reindeer style.”
* Her picture is prominently featured on santasbitches.com.
* Every day after work, elves block you in traffic to keep you from getting home too early.
* She’s shaved her pubic hair into the shape of a little chimney.
* Tells you that you would look a lot sexier if you grew a beard and added 150 pounds.
* Every December 24th it’s the same routine: She puts on a teddy and sits on the roof.
* Her ears perk up every time she hears Ho Ho Ho!

I Need To Try This

I tried the Japanese method of de-cluttering where you hold every object that you own and if it does not bring you joy, you throw it away.

So far I have thrown out all of the vegetables, my bra, the electric bill, the scale, a mirror, and my treadmill.

Ten Signs You’re Not Getting A Christmas Bonus

10. Co-workers refer to you as “the ghost of unemployment future”
9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial
8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips
7. What you call “my new office,” everybody else calls “the supply closet”
6. Boss’s Christmas card says, “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out”
5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants
4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under an avalanche of stolen office supplies
3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw
2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word “terrible” appeared 78 times
1. You’re the starting quarterback for the New York Jets

Letter To Santa

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus:

Dear Santa,
Please send me a baby brother.

Santa wrote back:
“Send me your mother…”

Signs You’re Sick of the Holidays

8. You’ve got red and green bags under your eyes
7. You’re serving reindeer pot pie
6. When you hear, “Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin’?,” you scream, “No! I’m not listening!”
5. You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers with your air gun
4. You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you.
3. Instead of spending time with family, you’re watching some guy make photo copies
2. You’ve got eggnog coming out of your ears
1. Two words: tinsel rash

Proof That Santa Doesn’t Exist – For Nerds!

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are not talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second – 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can’t be done with eight or even nine of them -Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). A mass of nearly 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g’s. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim considering all the high calorie snacks he must have consumed over the years) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he’s dead now. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

No, Boss That’s Not Me