How NOT to Get Your Ass Kicked By The Police
Charlie Chaplin – Food Fight – The Great Dictator (1940)
Funny Ways To Mess With People
1. Buy a set of “Voice Activated” or “Motion Activated” stickers from Amazon, and the possibilities are endless.
2. Go on Facebook or Instagram and comment on a picture that “The three of you look great!” if there are 4 people in the picture.
3. When at work, tell someone: “I’m going to the bathroom do you need anything?”
4. When you shake someone’s hand, move yours left to right. As they do the traditional up and down, a hilarious circle ensues.
5. Fill your medicine cabinet with ping pong balls whenever you host a party at your home.
6. Say “no pun intended” after a sentence where there was clearly no pun.
7. When driving around city wave at random people as if you knew them. Hilarious to see instant confusion on their faces.
8. Ask, “What was your name again?” After they answer, shake your head and say, “No… that’s not it.”
9. After giving a compliment, say “no offense” and watch them struggle to find the non-existent insult.
10. Look at a non-reflective surface and doing stuff like fixing your hair and checking if there’s something in your teeth.
A Smart Persons Warning
If you’re happy and you know it, overthink.
If you’re happy and you know it, overthink.
If you’re happy and you know it, give your brain a chance to blow it.
If you’re happy and you know it, overthink.
More Thoughts From Women About Being A Woman
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow! * Kathy Buckley
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. * Erica Jong
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. * Sue Grafton
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. * Laurie Kuslansky
I think – therefore I’m single. * Lizz Winstead
You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It’s plucking your eyebrows. That’s how I originally got pierced ears. * Geri Jewell
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. * Elayne Boosler
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. * Maryon Pearson
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man – if you want anything done, ask a woman. * Margaret Thatcher
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. * Gloria Steinem
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home who answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night. * Marie Corelli
If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? * Linda Ellerbee
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. * Eleanor Roosevelt
Be Careful Where You Listen To Music
I was in the bar yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my Farts with the beats.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was to my iPod.
Some Actual Product Warning Labels:
On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink – AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. (duh!)
On a New Zealand insect spray – THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS. (Only people)
In a US guide to setting up a new computer – TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Makes sense…except these instructions we’re IN THE BOX!)
In some countries (like W. Virginia:), on the bottom of Coke bottles – OPEN OTHER END.
On a Sears hairdryer – DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. (Now THAT I’d like to see!)
On a bag of Fritos – YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap – DIRECTIONS – USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on BOTTOM of the box) * DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (oops…Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding – PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let’s experiment.)
On a Korean kitchen knife – WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights – FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to what…use in outer space?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts – INSTRUCTIONS – OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I’m sure glad they cleared that up.)
On a Swedish chainsaw – DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
On a child’s superman costume – WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That’s right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
I’m An Old-Fashioned Kind Of Guy
I’ll never join one of those online dating services.
I prefer to meet someone the old-fashioned way.
Through alcohol and poor judgement.
The Corporate Language
“We will do it.”, means “You will do it.”
“You have done a great job.”, means “More work will be given to you.”
“We are working on it.”, means “We have not yet started working on the same.”
“Tomorrow first thing in the morning . . .”, means “Its not getting done. At least not tomorrow !”.
“After discussion we will decide. I am very open to views.”, means “I have already decided. I will tell you what to do”
“There was a slight mis communication.”, means “We had actually lied.”
“We are on the right track, but there needs to be a fine-tuning of the deadline.”, means “The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time.”
“We had slight difference of opinion,”, means “We had actually fought.”
“We need to find out the real reason.”, means “Well, I will tell you where your fault is.”
“We are a team.”, means “I am not the only one to be blamed.”
“That’s, actually, a good question.”, means “I do not know anything about it.”
“All the Best!”, means “You are in trouble!”
Why Older Men Don’t Get Hired
Human Resources Manager: is your greatest weakness?”
Old Man: “My honesty.”
Human Resources Manager: “I don’t think honesty is a weakness.”
Old Man: “I don’t give a fuck what you think.”
Toddler Property Laws
1. If I like it, it’s mine.
2. If it’s in my hands, it’s mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
4. If I had it a week ago, it’s mine.
5. If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I’m doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it’s mine.
8. If I think it’s mine, it’s mine.
9. If it it’s near me, it’s mine.
10. If it’s broccoli, it’s yours.
You Can’t Outsmart An Old Geezer
An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: “Get your treatment for $500 – if not cured get back $1,000.”
Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
He went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic, and this is what happened.
Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: “Aaagh! This is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr Young: “I have lost my memory; I cannot remember anything.”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor Young: “Oh no you don’t, that’s Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak I can hardly see!”
Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so. Here’s your $1000 back.”
Dr. Young: “But this is only $500…”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”
Moral of the story: Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old “Geezer ”
| Expert Level |
|
| Religious Messages Trigger Extra Tax |
|
| Were All Of These Really An Issue? |
|
| I Knew There Was A Reason To Hate Costco |
|
| Otherwise Known As Vodka Shots |
|
| Seriously, Who Approves These Toys? |
|
| Remember When You Wondered What They Would Say If They Could Talk |
|
| Well At Least They’re More Realistic Now |
|
| They Both Thought The Other Was Too Dumb To Have Problems |
|
| The Perfect Birthday Cake |
|
