The Graduation Song
TAX EVASION! New from Apple
If Men Ruled The World…The Way They Really Wanted To
- Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.
- Car rental agencies would rent tanks.
- Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car as long as you returned it within 24 hours with a full tank of gas.
- Get Out of Jail Free cards would be considered legal documents.
Yes there’s more I could put here but not in mixed company.
A Woman’s Four Favorite Animals
Q: What are a woman’s four favorite animals?
A: A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom and an ass to pay for it all.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat…
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she has to call Sherwin-Williams to paint her toenails.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she’s got more rolls than a bakery.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she makes sumo wrestlers look malnourished.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat the Coast Guard keeps a log of her bath times.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she trims her nose hair with a weed whacker.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she sweats barbeque sauce.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat when she went skydiving, she caused an eclipse.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat when she went to St. Louis, she got stuck in the arch.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat the only thing stopping her from going to the gym is the doorframe.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she stepped on a scale, and it said, “Please step out of the car.”
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she has a tattoo of the United States on her chest…actual size.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat the National Weather Agency assigns names to her farts.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat when she jumps off the high dive, she shows up on radar.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she thinks a balanced meal is a cheeseburger in each hand.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she wore a red dress, and everyone shouted, “Hey, the Kool-Aid Man!”
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat every car she gets into becomes a low rider.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she’s banned from all-you-can-eat restaurants.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she goes to the beach to sell shade.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she’s gotta call the fire department when her hemorrhoids get inflamed.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she uses duct tape for band-aids.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she has shocks on her toilet.
Cats are cool because you don’t have to buy them. You see them on the street, take them home — they’re yours. You ain’t never seen a cat being bought out of a pet store. They just sit in the pet store. They’re under there like, ‘Meow,’ and you be looking at them like, ‘Oh they’re so cute. Let’s go find one like that.’
Can People Really Be This Stupid?
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, foul language and violence on my VCR?
I have a man I can’t trust. He cheats so much, I’m not even sure the baby I’m carrying is his.
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money with him.
I’ve suspected that my husband has been fooling around and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Our son writes that he is taking judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now how do I get out?
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn’t know he drank until one night he came home sober.
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
Remember, these people can vote!
Golf Things That Sound Dirty But Aren’t
10. Nuts…my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
1. Hold up…I need to wash my balls first
How Did You Know I Was Drunk?
I woke up in a cell this morning and demanded to speak to the officer who arrested me the night before.
“Why was I arrested?” I asked furiously.
“Well you were driving under the influence of alcohol,” he replied.
“Oh really” I said, “Did you test me for alcohol?”
“No we didn’t test you sir.”
“So basically you just assumed I was drunk then.”
“No sir we were pretty sure you were drunk.”
“How so?” I asked.
“Well when we pulled you over, you ordered a double cheeseburger with fries from one of the officers.”
Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Scare the Bejeezus Out of People in the Computer Lab
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream “Oh my God! They’ve found me!” and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can’t get the damn thing to work. After he/she’s turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it’s set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the “Smurfs” theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don’t know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don’t use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say “Just in case…” mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they’re crazy while typing.
14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, “Oops, I forgot.”
16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray “O pleaseo pleaseo pleaseo please,” and scream “YES!” when it finishes.
17. “DISK FIGHT!!!”
18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If you’re sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” whenever there is processing time required.
21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it doesn’t work, get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
You Grew Up In The 80s If…
…You learned to swim about the same time “Jaws” came out and still can’t swim naked at night.
…Prince’s “1999″ was the focal point of your plans for an end of the century party.
…You dressed to emulate either Duran Duran, Poison, Madonna, Rick Springfield or Cyndi Lauper.
…You wanted to be gagged with a spoon.
…You had a poster of Bo, Luke, & Daisy Duke.
…There was nothing questionable about Bert and Ernie living together.
…You dialed “867-5309″ to see if Jenny would answer.
…Your family’s cable TV box had the three rows of numbers, and you had to move the selector switch accordingly.
Things You Don’t Want To Hear During Surgery
1. Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
2. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.
3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
5. Hand me that. uh. that uh. that thingy there.
6. Oh no! Where’s my Rolex?
7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
8. There go the lights again!
9. Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys and this guy’s got two of ‘em.
10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing off my concentration.
12. What’s this doing here?
13. I hate it when they’re missing stuff in here.
14. That’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?
15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
16. Sterile schmerile. The floor’s clean, right?
17. What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change?!
18. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
19. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
20. Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?
21. Don’t worry. I think it’s sharp enough.
22. What do you mean “You want a divorce?!”
23. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
24. Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing.