Sesame Street – Robot Chicken
Addicted To Your Cell Phone?
Addicted to Your Cell Phone? Tangled in a web of wireless? Maybe you should ask yourself these questions.
1. Do parts of your body tingle when you get free cell phone minutes?
2. Does raising your children interfere with programming your speed dial?
3. Do you have long-distance conversations while sitting on the toilet in a public restroom?
4. Does the term fashion statement mean to you matching your outfit with your cell phone carrying case?
5. When getting into a car accident, is your first response “Can you hold on a moment, I’m hemorrhaging?”
6. Does the sound of static trigger dark memories of ill-fated connections?
7. Do you use the menu light as your night light?
8. When receiving a phone call, do you ever ask the film projectionist to lower the volume of the movie?
I Know, It’s Sad
Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of a group of grains that could have become whskey but didn’t.
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common the winners are:
I. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), gross olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulance (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
12. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
13. Circumvent (n), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men„
14. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Tell Me About It
There is nothing more awkward after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, where you met them or why they are dead.
Things Not To Say During Childbirth….
1. Gosh, you’re lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.
2. Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
3. I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
4. If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
5. That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
6. When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
7. You don’t need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
8. This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
9. Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
10. Stop your swearing and just breathe.
11. Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You’re not using the right words.
12. Your stomach still looks like there’s another one in there.
The Black Bra
(As told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 40+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, fishnet stockings, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here’s how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my fiancé came over he found me with a black leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.
The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, fishnet stockings, stiletto heels and a mask over my eyes.
When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,
(You are going to love this!)
What’s for dinner, Zorro?
Reasons To Allow Drinking At Work
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.
1. It’s an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don’t care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.
16. Casual Sex Fridays! Need we say more?
The Pastor’s Ass
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The Best Put-Downs Comics Have Used To Silence Hecklers
Arthur Smith: “Is that your real face or are you still celebrating Halloween?”
John Cooper Clarke: “Your bus leaves in 10 minutes… Be under it.”
Ricky Gervais: “This is a big venue, I can’t really get into one-to-ones. In a smaller room I’d still ignore you – shut up!”
Mark Steel To An Audience In Belfast: “I preferred it during the Troubles – at least you were fighting each other.”
Heckler: “You fat cow.”
Jo Brand: “I deliberately keep my weight up so that a t****r like you won’t fancy me.”
Shazia Mirza: “All men are pigs, especially you, sir. Unfortunately, I can’t eat pork.”
Arthur Smith: “Look, it’s all right to donate your brain to science but shouldn’t you have waited till you died?”
Heckler: “I don’t come here to think.”
Bill Hicks: “Well, tell me where you do go and I’ll meet you there.”
Russell Kane: “Why don’t you go into that corner and finish evolving?”
Richard Herring: “If you are going to heckle, try to wait for a gap when I’m not talking so people can hear what you are saying.”
Linda Smith: “Rugby – a game for men with no fear of head injuries… and with no reason to fear them.”
Brendan Dodds: “I’m sorry, I don’t speak Orc.”
Heckler: “Tell us a joke.”
Dan Antopolski: “Your mum fell into some cheese sandwiches, and she got covered in cheese. Absolutely covered in it. She stank of cheese. And hundreds and hundreds of mice came from miles around, drawn to her by the smell of cheese. She was covered in mice. Overcome by them. But she was glad of the company, because YOU NEVER CALL.”
Arthur Smith: “Sorry, I can’t understand what you’re saying… I’m wearing a moron filter.”
Heckler: “You’re ugly.”
Jim Smallman: “And yet your missus still prefers me to you.”
Jeremy Hardy: Nigel, it’s over. Can’t you understand that?
Rufus Hound (to bar staff) “Can we get some crayons and a menu for this guy to colour in, please?”
Jack Dee: Well, it’s a night out for him.. and a night off for his family
Jo Brand: Where’s your girlfriend? Outside grazing, I presume…
Harry Hill: You might heckle me now but when I get home I’ve got a chicken in the oven
Heckler: I met you at medical school
Frank Skinner: Ah yes.. you were the one in the jar
Women With PMS
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE? NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS…
I’m sorry… what did you ask me?