Friday Fun Stuff – 2-20-26

Mandy Gets (And Swiftly Loses) A New Job At A Call Center

Racist Workout – Awkward Puppets

Equal But Not The Same

“Equal” is not always synonymous with “the same.” Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.

1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she’ll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he’ll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you’re driving there.
3. Boys’ rooms are usually messy. Girls’ rooms are usually messy, except it’s a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
6. Boys couldn’t care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
7. Baby girls find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
8. If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they’re too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long – not because they look nice – but because they can dig them into a boys arm.
10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they’ve watched “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie three times in a row.
14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.

Divorce

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I’m sick of her, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her,” and then hangs up.

The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news.

She calls her father and yells, “You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a single thing, do you hear me?”

The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, “It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they’re paying their own way!”

Hollywood Squares

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes.
These great questions and answers are from the days when ‘Hollywood Squares’ game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course…

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if
he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget!

Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh!

Now That’s Pretty Old

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, ‘Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference.’

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says, ‘You know, I think my girl was dead!’

‘Dead?’ says his friend, ‘Why do you say that?’

‘Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.’

His friend says. Could be worse I think mine was a witch.’

‘A witch ??.. why the hell would you say that?’

‘Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window….. took my teeth with her!’

Medical Truths

• The patient furthest away from the nurses’ station rings the call bell more often than the patient nearest to the nurses’ station.
• You always remember “just one more thing” you need after you’ve gowned, gloved, and masked and gone into that isolation room.
• The correct depth of compression in adult CPR is a bit less than the depth you just reached when you broke those ribs.
• When you cancel extra staff because it’s so quiet, you are guaranteed a rash of admissions.
• If you wear a new white uniform, expect to be thrown up on. Corollary: Residents always poop on your brand new shoes.
• There is always a way, and it usually doesn’t work.
• When management smiles at you, be afraid, very afraid …
• Staffing will gladly send you three aides–but you have to float two of your RNs.
• As soon as you discontinue the IV line, more fluids will be ordered.
• Mandatory meetings are always scheduled after you’ve had the night from hell and just want to go home to bed.
• You always forget what it was you wanted after you get to the supply room. You always remember when you get back to the other end …
• Doctors only ask your name when the patient isn’t doing well.
• Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the boss is watching.
• The more sophisticated the equipment, the longer it takes to get repaired.
• Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
• As soon as you’ve ordered the pizzas, 25 patients show up at the ER registration desk along with three ambulances all with cardiac arrests!

Well How Long Did You Expect Her To Last

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed a little old lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, “I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?”

She said, “I smoke ten cigars a day. Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills and have sex. And I don’t exercise at all.

“That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?”

“Forty”, she replied.

New Laws To Regulate The Hunting & Harvesting Of Attorneys

• 370.01 – Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.
• 370.02 – Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.
• 370.03 – The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash.
• 370.04 – It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.
• 370.05 – It is unlawful to shout, “WHIPLASH”, “AMBULANCE”, or “FREE SCOTCH” for the purposes of trapping attorneys.
• 370.06 – It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon.
• 370.07 – It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels.
• 370.08 – If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.
• 370.09 – It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
• 370.10 – Bag and Possession Limits per day: Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2; Two-faced tort teasers, 1; Back-stabbing divorce litigators, 3; Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2; Minutiae-advocating dirt bags, 4. Honest attorneys protected (Endangered Species Act).
• ARS 8007.21 – It is illegal to take attorneys with a moving vehicle unless there are no measurable skid marks at the kill site.

What’s Wrong With That Genie

A man walks into a bar. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little man, maybe a foot tall and a little piano. He puts them both on the bar, and the little guy starts playing Mozart as the man orders his drink.

The bartender says, “I’m sure it’s none of my business, but where did you find a little man who plays piano like that?”

The guy says, “There’s a genie outside granting wishes, I bet he’s still there if you hurry.”

The bartender runs outside, and moments later a bunch of ducks come in through the front door and start causing a big ruckus.

The bartender says, “You didn’t tell me the genie was deaf, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”

The guy says, “Do you really think I asked for an eleven inch pianist?”

Tips For Managers

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it’s really a “rush job”, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I like being a psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

You Have To Live Anywhere Other Then The United States To Fully Get This Joke

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, “Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”

The guy replies, “Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”

The man says back, “That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member come with you?”

The guy says, “No. They’re all at the funeral.”

Damn, Those Little Pushers Are Back!