Night Court – Bob and June Wheeler
If you ever thought your life was bad, just remember you could have been these folks on one of the funniest shows ever!
Hilarious To Do List
• Wear shirt that says “Life”. Hand out lemons on street corner.
• Hire two private investigators. Get them to follow each other.
• Major in philosophy. Ask people WHY they would like fries with that.
• Go into a crowded elevator and say, “I bet you’re all wondering why I gathered you here,” with a straight face.
• Make vanilla pudding. Put in mayo jar. Eat in public.
• Become a teacher. Make a test where every answer is “C”. Enjoy the show.
• Buy a horse, name it “Oscar Takes The Lead,” enter it in horse races.
• Invite someone into your office, turn around in office chair and say, “I’ve been expecting you…”
• Buy a parrot. Teach the parrot to say, ”Help! I’ve been turned into a parrot!”
• Follow joggers around in a car blasting “Eye of the Tiger” for encouragement
• Put blue Gatorade in a Windex bottle. Drink it in public.
• Buy four pigs. Paint 1, 2, 3, and 5 on each pig. Let them loose in a mall and watch security try to find number 4.
• Smack a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson’s No More Tears shampoo. Sue Johnson & Johnson for false advertising.
• Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes into your friend’s soda. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.
• Buy a turtle. Name it “The Speed of Light.” Tell everyone that I can run faster than The Speed of Light.
• Sneeze in front of the pope. Get blessed.
• Buy CD of ice cream truck music. Drive down the street blasting it. Watch kids get disappointed.
• Go trick-or-treating on April fool’s day.
• Jump into a taxi and scream “Follow that car!”
• Walk into Sea World with a fishing pole.
• Make an alcoholic beverage and name it “responsibly.” Drink Responsibly.
A Rich And A Poor Lady Were Talking
There are two old ladies at a park. One is rich while the other one is poor. It was the rich lady’s birthday last week.
“my husband got me a diamond ring for my birthday” says the rich lady.
“that’s nice!” says the po poor lady
“he also got me a Mercedes C class” says the rich lady
“that’s nice!” says the poor lady
“so what did yours get you?” asks the rich lady
“a book about anger management” says the poor lady
“ha! And I can see it hasn’t worked” says the rich lady
“oh, it did actually” says the poor lady “before I used to say “fuck off” and now I say “that’s nice!”
Only Adults Don’t Make Mistakes
If a barber makes a mistake
it’s a new style.
If a politician makes a mistake
it’s a new law
If a scientist makes a mistake
it’s a new invention
If a tailor makes a mistake
it’s a new style
If a teacher makes a mistake
it’s a new theory
But if a student makes a mistake,
it’s a mistake
When A Cop’s Wife Asked Him To Buy Some Bread Before Going To Bed
A policeman goes home to his wife in the evening after work.
Exhausted, he enters the dark bedroom and strips out of his uniform, leaving it on the floor.
He looks for the light switch but figures his wife is laying in bed and decides not to disturb her. Just before he’s about to get into bed, his wife speaks:
Honey, can you run down to the corner shop and buy bread, so I can make breakfast for the kids tomorrow?
Fine, but you should have mentioned earlier – says the husband while putting the uniform on again
He runs down to the shop, gets the bread and exchanges small talk with the guy at the counter
New job? – asks the cashier
Nah, why do you ask?
Ah, I could have sworn you were a policeman, but that’s definitely a fireman uniform.
To All the Drunk Women: Clues To Calling It A Night
• You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
• You’ve just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.
• You suddenly decide you want to kick someone’s ass.
• In your last trip to “pee” you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
• You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
• You start crying.
• There are less than three hours before you’re due to start work.
• You’ve found a deeper side to the office nerd.
• The man you’re flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
• The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
• You’ve forgotten where you live.
• You’ve started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you’ve smoked, because (as you’ve mentioned like 10x’s by now) you only smoke when you drink.
• You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that’s just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.
• You think you’re in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
• You start every conversation with a booming, “Don’t take this the wrong way but…”
• You fail to notice that the toilet lid’s down when you sit on it.
• Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
• You’re tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).
• You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.
When A Dog Went For A Job Interview
A local business was looking for office help.
They put a sign in the window saying:
“HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, “l can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.”
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, “l realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.”
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.”
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, “Meow.”
Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities
1. Drink molasses ’til you heave
2. Wet bonnet contest
3. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy
4. Buttermilk kegger
5. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really rad Clydesdale
6. Get a tattoo: “Born to raise barns”
7. Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with zippers
8. Sleep ’til 6 AM
9. Drive over to Allensville and kick some Mennonite rear
10. Churn butter naked
When Karen Was Not Feeling Well
Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.
Doctor: Well, I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news…
Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don’t believe medicine anyways! I’ve been following homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches, and healing crystals all my life, and they never let me down. Now, will you do things my way, or do I need to talk to the hospital management?
Doctor: Sure, sure, lady. We’ll do things your way. Does an astrology-based approach work for you?
Karen: That’s better! Of course, it would!
Doctor: What’s your birth sign?
Doctor: Well what a fucking coincidence.
Top Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped
20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You’ve got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned’s trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson…
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You’ve got your fly set for “Monica” instead of “Hillary.”
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction…
3. You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
…And The Number One Way to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped.
1. Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis.
When A Kid Decides To Write A Letter To Jesus On Christmas
One day, a little boy decides to write his Christmas letter as usual. When all of a sudden, his mom pops into his room.
Mom: What are you doing son?
Boy: Writing my letter to Santa mom
Mom: With how bad you’ve been this year you’ll have to write a letter to Jesus to get anything!
So the boy starts to write his letter to Jesus, and has to think about what he’s going to say.
‘Dear Jesus, I’ve been a good boy this ye-’
“Ehhh,” he thinks. “If Santa knows that’s not true, then Jesus will definitely know I’m lying.”
So he tries again.
‘Dear Jesus, I’ve been a somewhat good boy this ye-’
“No,” he thinks to himself. “Jesus is probably smart enough to know that’s a lie too.”
So to clear his mind and think better, the boy goes for a walk. As he’s walking down the street, he spots a manger scene on someone’s front lawn. So he goes up to it, steals Mary from the scene and takes it home.
As he goes to sit down, he already has the perfect idea of what he’s going to write.
‘Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again…’