Honest 4th of July BBQ
Tom and Jerry – The Yankee Doodle Mouse
The Top 10 Signs That It’s Time To Do The Laundry
• You’re wearing your last pair of underwear in the shower consistently.
• You’ve worn your sheets to school because you can’t get them off of you.
• Your socks act like a shirt does when it’s heavily starched and emit a serious funk.
• Your roommate walks around wearing a full body medical suit like they did in the movie “Outbreak” to avoid catching the Ebola virus.
• The Snuggle Bear on the softener bottle officially died last week.
• The DEA’s drug sniffing dog is always coming by to sniff your laundry because the strong stench makes him think you have 28 tons of pot in your closet.
• Even after sewing 28 spring scented dryer sheets to the inside of your shirt, your friends still say you reek.
• The phrase “Wash Me” is visibly written in your jeans.
• Your red T-shirt is now green.
• The boss pulls you aside to remind you that your company’s casual days does not include your college graduation gown and scuba diving fins.
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards it, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”
The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”
The Taliban shouted, “Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!”
“OK, OK, said the old Jewish man, It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.”
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead. “Your f**king brother won’t let me in without a tie!”
How To Know If You Smoke Too Much
10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a “cigarette break”
9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina
8. Your nickname for the Surgeon General: “Captain Bring-Down”
7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded
6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap
5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying, “Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts…”
4. You get mattress fires more often than haircuts
3. You smoke during s@x.
2. You refer to nonsmokers as “pink-lunged sissy boys”
1. You explain to the nurse that you didn’t realize you were in a “nonsmoking” iron lung
What Phrases On Resumes Really Mean
I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I’m usually on Prozac. When I’m not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I’ve used Microsoft Office.
I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.
I’M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I’ll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
I’M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I’M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere’s better.
I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.
MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You’re probably looking for someone more experienced.
I AM ADAPTABLE: I’ve changed jobs a lot.
I AM ON THE GO: I’m never at my desk.
I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I’m outta there.
I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I’m a college drop-out.
I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I’ve been accused of sexual harassment.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don’t throw me away!
I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I’m gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
1. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
2. Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
3. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.
4. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
5. You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
6. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
7. Jack Daniels makes your list of “most admired people”.
8. You won’t stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
9. Your dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.
10. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
11. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
12. Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
13. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
14. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
15. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
16. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
17. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
18. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to “Georgia on My Mind”.
19. You call your boss “Buddy”, on a regular basis.
20. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
The Families Status In The Community Is What’s Most Important
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
‘Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating Susan!’
Here are a few genuine news bloopers gleaned from American newspapers. These were taken from an article by Richard Lederer, author of “Anguished English”.
On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and contributing to the death of her husband.
The airplane was only a few feet from the ground when it crashed, witnesses said.
With the exception of victimless crimes (which need not concern us here), every single crime committed in this nation of ours involves a victim.
A purple lady’s bicycle was missing from Serendipity Lane recently.
Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support from parent-teacher groups to support the governor’s task force on driving while intoxicated.
He hasn’t even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being arrested and accused of driving a parked car while intoxicated.
Montreal police don’t hesitate to use whatever laws, regulations or persuasion they feel they need to control morality in the city and prevent it from getting a foothold.
A college friendship that began a year ago ended in matrimony yesterday.
Why Athletes Can’t Have Real Jobs
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder, Andre Dawson, on being a role model: “I wan’ all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan’ all the kids to copulate me.”
2. New Orleans Saint RB, George Rogers, when asked about the upcoming season: I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the ‘Skins say: “I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said: “To win, I’d run over Joe’s Mom, too.”
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: “He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.”
5. Football commentator and former player, Joe Theismann, 1996: “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” (Now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: “You guys line up alphabetically by height.” And, “You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle.”
8. Boxing promoter, Dan Duva, on Mike Tyson going to prison: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ”
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, when asked why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.”
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up six o’clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is.”
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: “My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.” I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature even in January.
12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.’”
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounts what he told a player who received four F’s and one D: “Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.”
14. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach, Bum Phillips, when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:
“Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye.”
15. Bobby Bowden , Florida States football coach, when asked why he didn’t invest in condos, said, “I am too old to use them now.”
Real Questions Asked In Science Class
It’s not the teachers fault these kids are just stupid.
• Are the rivers flowing up the mountain or down the mountain?
• Is that the ocean? (Asked while on a field trip to Marine Lab Beach on Guam (a small island in the Pacific).
• How can the river be flowing north? That’s uphill!
• How can ‘mass wasting’ be an agent of landscape formation on the Moon? The Moon has no gravity!
• How do I get water into this beaker?
BAN DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE! THE INVISIBLE KILLER
Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means death.
• is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
• contributes to the “greenhouse effect.”
• may cause severe burns.
• contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
• accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
• may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
• has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.
CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS!
Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. In the midwest alone DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage.
Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:
• as an industrial solvent and coolant.
• in nuclear power plants.
• in the production of styrofoam.
• as a fire retardant.
• in many forms of cruel animal research.
• in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.
• as an additive in “junk-foods” and other food products.
Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!
THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED!
The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its “importance to the economic health of this nation.” In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.
IT’S NOT TOO LATE!
Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this dangerous chemical. What you don’t know CAN hurt you and others throughout the world.
If you don’t get this joke look up ‘Dihydrogen Monoxide’