Friday Fun Stuff – 4-18-14

Things Not To Say To Your Wife Song

Internet Distractions

Boss of the House

By Bill Cosby

I am not the boss of my house. I don’t know when I lost it. I don’t know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss’s job, and I don’t want it.

(I know this is out of date but it’s still funny as hell!)

How to Handle the IRS
by Dave Barry

It is time once again for our annual feature “Tax Advice for Humans,” the column that explains our complex federal tax laws to you in simple, everyday terms that have virtually nothing to do with reality. This is the only tax-advice column that has the courage to give you the following written guarantee in writing:

“If, as a result of following the advice in this column, you are for any reason whatsoever confined to a federal prison, we will personally come and live in your house, until your refrigerator is out of beer.”

So let’s get started! Most likely the foremost question in your mind, as you prepare to fill out your federal tax forms, is: “Can I cheat?” A lot of taxpayers are thinking that this is a good year to take advantage of the Internal Revenue Service, because of the way it got hammered in those congressional hearings last September. Remember? One by one, taxpayers went before the Senate Finance Committee and told alarming stories like this:
“I got a letter from the IRS computer stating that I owed taxes back to the year 427 B.C., which seemed like a mistake, plus the letter addressed me as `The Dionne Quintuplets,’ so I went down to the IRS office to straighten things out, and the next thing I knew I was being dangled from a helicopter by one leg.”

When the nation heard these stories, everybody was outraged. The IRS formally apologized to the taxpayers and ordered the dismantling of the agency’s primary guillotine.

So a lot of people are thinking that this year, while the IRS is under fire, is a good time to “play fast and loose” with their tax returns, and maybe even get revenge for the years of abuse by yanking the IRS’ chain a little bit. One leading tax-preparation firm, which I will not identify here except by its initials, “H” and “R,” has gone so far as to write taunting remarks in the margins of its clients’ tax returns, such as:

“Hey Audit Breath! If you don’t believe I spent a 100 percent deductible total of $224,123 on Pez, perhaps you would like me to complain to the Senate Finance Committee?”

“No I shall not enclose Form 10448275-J! I shall use Form 10448275-K for INTIMATE HYGIENE PURPOSES HAHAHAHA!”

This kind of thing is of course a lot of fun, but we are not recommending it. What many people do not realize is that, after the IRS finished publicly apologizing to the taxpayers who testified against it last September, it quietly tracked them down and relieved them of all of their worldly possessions including corneas.

So we are not recommending that you cheat. You should heed the words of IRS commissioner Charles Rossotti, who, in this year’s Letter to Taxpayers, states: “Every citizen owes it to the nation to pay his or her fair share of taxes, unless of course he or she has made a whopping cash contribution to a key congressperson or President Bill `Mr. Coffee’ Clinton or Vice President Al `I Honestly Thought That They Were Just A Bunch Of Very Wealthy Buddhist Nuns!’ Gore.”

Here are some questions that you are likely to ask in preparing your tax returns this year:

Q. Did the government change the tax laws again?
A. Ha Ha! That is the stupidest question we have ever heard! Of COURSE the government changed the tax laws! The government had no choice! The government found out that, despite the fact that the U.S. Tax Code is larger than the entire state of Connecticut, there was still one U.S. taxpayer, Norbridge K. Trongle Jr., who was able to correctly prepare his own tax return. The government considered handling this threat to the national security by sending a B-2 “Stealth” bomber to destroy Mr. Trongle’s house and financial records, but the Air Force vetoed this plan because of the risk that the $2 billion plane would be brought down by Mr. Trongle’s lawn sprinkler. So the House and Senate Joint Tax Mutation Committee swung into action and made a number of significant changes to the Tax Code, which you need to know about.

Q. What, specifically, are these changes?
A. Nobody knows.

Q. How many taxpayers will have their total income-tax payments, for the entire year, used to provide food, housing, transportation, medical care, Secret Service protection and chew toys for Buddy, the new White House dog?
A. White House spokes human Mike McCurry says that the “best estimate” is currently “around 300 taxpayers,” but notes that this number could rise significantly “if Buddy is implicated in this Whitewater thing.”

Q. In your opinion, what is the single most common error that I am likely to make, as a taxpayer?
A. In our opinion, that would be having “light” beer in your refrigerator.

Biggest Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle

1) Being told to “Think Outside the Box” when I’m in the @#$%? box all day!

2) Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.

3) Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.

4) That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.

5) Lack of roof rafters for the noose.

6) My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.

7) Women: Damned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment.

Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you loosen your pants to tuck in your shirt.

8) 23 power cords, 1 outlet.

9) Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.

10) When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.

11) Can’t slam the door when you quit and walk out.

Last Request

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. “Give me one last request, Dear,” he said.

“Of course, John,” his wife said softly.

“Six months after I die,” he said, “I want you to marry Joe.”

“But I thought you hated Joe,” she said.

With his last breath, John said, “I do!”

Performance Evaluation Translations

A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.

Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.

Active socially: Drinks heavily.

Alert to company developments: An office gossip.

Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.

Average: Not too bright.

Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.

Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.

Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.

Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

Conscientious and careful: Scared.

Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.

Consults with supervisor often: Very annoying.

Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.

Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.

Displays excellent intuitive judgment: Knows when to disappear.

Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.

Enjoys job: Needs more to do.

Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone.

Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.

Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.

Customer Service

This is a true story from the WordPerfect help line, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired however; he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for “Termination without Cause.” This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations)

“Rich Hall computer assistance; may I help you?”

“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”

“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?”

“They disappeared.”

“Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“It’s a blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”

“How do I tell?”

“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”

“What’s a sea-prompt?”

“Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?”

“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”

“What’s a monitor?”

“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”

“Yes, it is.”

“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”

“No.”

“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”

“Okay, here it is.”

“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”

“I can’t reach.”

“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”

“No.”

“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”

“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle it’s because it’s dark.”

“Dark?”

“Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

“Well, turn on the office light then.”

“I can’t.”

“No? Why not?”

“Because there’s a power failure.”

“A power…….a power failure?…. Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”

“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

“Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

“Really? Is it that bad?”

“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

“Tell them you’re too fucking stupid to own a computer.”

Funny Quotes From Woody Allen

That [sex] was the most fun I ever had without laughing.
(Annie Hall)

The food in this place is really terrible. Yes, and such small portions. That’s essentially how I feel about life.
(Annie Hall)

I’m short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.
(Play it Again Sam)

I’m really a timid person – I was beaten up by Quakers.
(Sleepers)

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best.

Q. Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything?
A. Yeah. Sure. For twenty-four hours once I refused to eat grapes.
(Sleeper)

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
(Death)

The thing to remember is that each time of life has its appropriate rewards, whereas when you’re dead it’s hard to find the light switch. The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife – a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it’s being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
(The Early Essays)

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
(The Early Essays)

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.
(Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)

I have never been an intellectual but I have this look.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to sleep with me and she said ‘no’.
(Woody Allen Volume Two)

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him ‘be fruitful, and multiply.’ But not in those words.
(Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)

I wanted to be an arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was too short.
(Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)

And my parents finally realize that I’m kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room.
(Woody Allen and His Comedy)

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
(Woody Allen and His Comedy)

Marriage Contract

By Wanda Sykes-Hall

They say marriage is a contract. No, it’s not. Contracts come with warranties. When something goes wrong, you can take it back to the manufacturer. If your husband starts acting up, you can’t take him back to his mama’s house. “I don’t know; he just stopped working. He’s just laying around making a funny noise.”

My Goldfish Died

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Johnny?”

“Well, my goldfish died,” replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied… “That’s because he’s inside your cat!”

Bubba’s Three Daughters

Bubba had three daughters. One Saturday evening the door bell rang. Bubba answered the door, where he was greeted by a young man with bad case of acne.

The boy smiled, and said, “Hi, my name is Joe. I’m here to pick up Flo. We’re going to see a show. Can she go?”

Bubba shook his head, and told his daughter to have a nice time.

A short time later there was a knock at the door. Upon opening the door Bubba was greeted by another pimple faced boy who smiled and said, “Hi, my name is Eddie. I’m here to pick up Betty. We’re going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?”

Bubba shook his head, and kissed his daughter good night.

No sooner had Bubba sat down that the bell rang again. Bubba opened the door to be greeted by a boy with clear skin who said, “Hi, My name is Chuck.” With that, Bubba shot him.

But You Said I Could Keep Everything I Found Dady