Those Girls: 20s vs 30s – Meeting Guys
Dean Martin, Dom DeLuise & Pat Crowley – The Service Can Be Too Good
Say At Work
Things you’d really like to say at work
• I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
• I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
• I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
• I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
• The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
• What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
• And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
• This isn’t and office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
• Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
• Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
What Store Employees Say And What They Really Mean
1. “Can I help you get a size?”
(Don’t touch that, I just spent an hour folding it and I don’t need your hands messing it up again.)
2. “Do you need help with anything?”
(Quick, my manager is coming around the corner and I need to look busy.)
3. “Welcome to (Store Name Here)”
(Good, another customer to mess up my entire store just to buy a pair of socks.)
4. “Have a nice day!”
(Now that you ruined mine.)
5. “Thank you for shopping at (Store Name Here)”
(Thanks for emptying your wallet with us!)
6. “Do you need a shopping cart to help you carry your items?”
(The more you can carry, the more you can buy!)
7. “I love your shirt! Where did you get it?”
(Your shirt is much nicer than the clothes we sell here. Why are you even shopping here?)
8. “Can I help you get something down?”
(I’ll get a ladder and put it up for you since this other nice customer put it in the absolute wrong place.)
9. “Don’t worry about folding it, I can do it”
(You would just mess it up again if you folded it.)
10. “No, we don’t have any more in the back”
(I just don’t want to check.)
With today’s adults looking for a healthier lifestyle, food and stress are very important to them. We will look first at what food can be added to our diet that will help relieve stress.
The food in question, is chocolate. This overlooked food is considered unhealthy, but let’s take a look. Chocolate is made from sugar and cocoa beans with the bean known as a vegetable. Sugar is derived mainly from sugar cane, this would also be in the vegetable category, thus classifying all chocolate as a vegetable. Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, and as you well know, you are encouraged to eat as much fruit as you want! To take this one step further, milk chocolate contains milk, which is dairy, therefore, chocolate, in any form, should be considered a health food.
So remember…STRESSED spelled backward is………….DESSERTS
Ways To Tell You Need A New Car
• People behind you change lanes to keep your oil off their wind shield
• Tractor trailer drivers are afraid to pass you.
• Opening your trunk includes finding a screwdriver.
• Your driveway looks like an oil slick and the EPA cites you for it.
• Your friends would rather walk or ride a bus to school or work than ride in it.
• The motor is so loud you cant hear a dump truck crash through a nitroglycerin factory.
• You have ever had to leave it running for fear it might not start back up.
• You have ever been chased down by a fire truck.
• You have ever parked on the side of the road and someone stops and asks you if you are injured.
Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: “You’re all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don’t trouble the other employees.”
The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says: “You’re all working very hard, and I’m very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?”
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: “Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?”
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: “You fool! For four weeks we’ve been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!”
Things You Wish You Could Say To Her
10. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an unknown actor with talent.
9. When we’re having sex, how about showing some signs your not comatose?
8. Sure I understand what you’re saying. But I still think you’re full of crap.
7. Thinking that ordering a ‘diet’ soft drink to go along with two super size hamburgers and fries is ‘eating healthy’, is silly.
6. How about “never”? Is “never” good for you?
5. You’re looking puffy today. Is somebody retaining water again?
4. While I’m golfing today, why don’t you hop on the stationary bike and burn a few calories.
3. Where did you learn how to cook? At the Salmonella Grill?
2. Remember when we were dating, I said that I wanted to wake up next to you forever? Well, that was back before I had woken up next to you even once.
1. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
The Next Great Soft Drink
This will no doubt put Coca Cola out of business in the near future!
The Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and this new product will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day…There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2025, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Medical Insurance Explained
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, “HEY MOE” Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked
hard enough in the eye.
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don’t worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day’s drive away and a diploma from a third world country
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment!
Q My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. What if I’m away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn’t do that.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is the $20 co-payment, there’s no harm in giving it a shot.
Q Will health care be different in the next decade?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
To Your Good Health (because as you see, you’ll need it!)
Joys Of A Long Neck
Giraffe and bunny meet up in the forest. Giraffe, in his usual arrogant way starts up a conversation.
“So, bunny, do you know how great it is to have such a long neck?” he asks, a faint tone of smugness in his voice.
“I’m sure I don’t,” replies bunny, obviously not really that interested.
“Well, to begin with, when I’m hungry and I chew my beautiful leaves, how can I describe the sensation of the leaves going down my throat….they go down and down and down….it’s one hour of sheer pleasure.”
“Really, how fascinating,” replies bunny, one eyebrow raised.
Oblivious to bunny’s lack of enthusiasm, giraffe continues, “And when I’m thirsty, and I drink water, for a full hour it goes down….and down….and down…It’s heaven on earth!”
“Amazing,” comments bunny, “but just one question. Have you ever thrown up?”
10 Things You Don’t Want To Hear During Your Trip
10. “We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding will start at $20.”
9. “I’m sorry madam, but we cannot allow you to bring your cat on board. We don’t yet know the effects of high radiation on our feline friends. And we are required to check your bags.”
8. “Yes sir, we are aware of the biohazard tag on your luggage and no, you don’t want to know its origin. I recommend you refrain from opening your suitcase.”
7. “Yes sir, importing Cuban cigars is illegal, that’s why the security officer had to confiscate them. What? He’s smoking them? Hey! You rat! Save some for me!”
6. “I’m sorry madam, but our insurance policy does not cover punctures in your bags caused by our checking attendants. No, it also does not cover airline crashes. It does cover explosions prior to takeoff, however, and is our most commonly purchased package.”
5. “Attention all airline passengers, your flight has been delayed.”
4. “For those who have never flown before or who have never heard about the concept of a flying machine: We are currently experiencing ‘turbulence,’ a common by-product of ‘air travel.’ Please refrain from screams of mortal danger until we’ve safely landed.”
3. “Madam, please take your towel now, the tongs are melting.”
2. “We apologize for the delay. Due to extenuating circumstances, our pilot is experiencing difficulties with his sobriety level. Please allow sufficient time for him to have additional shots of tequila.”
1. “This is your captain speaking, on the left you can now observe the majestic Mount Kilamanjar… oh, crap!”