Why Michelangelo Didn’t Paint the Last Supper
Why Do They Do It
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Let’s see now…
No nu de women
No car races
No pork BBQ
No hot dogs
No holidays where you actually get gifts
No chocolate chip cookies
No Beer nuts
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he’s sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
More than one wife.
You can’t shave.
Your wives can’t shave.
You can’t shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
I mean, really, is there a mystery here?
After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one.
A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock.
The Big List Of Fun Stuff To Do In That Boring Ol’ Courtroom Of Law…
1. Bring a cell phone and order a pizza when the judge starts talking.
2. Bring a zip-lock bag full of grapes and launch a few at the defendant when the judge isn’t looking.
3. Giggle uncontrollably when they show the evidence, if any blood is present.
4. If they ever bring up the possibility of an accomplice, duck your head and quiver.
5. Stand up and yell “OBJECTION!” to everything the judge says. EVERYTHING.
6. If you’re the defendant, wait until the judge starts talking about you. Proceed to hide under your table.
7. If anybody attempts to communicate with you in any way, stare off into space and blow spit bubbles.
8. Sing “The Song That Never Ends” incessantly.
9. Get the judge to look at you. Lick your lips and motion that you’ll “call him”
10. Actually call him
11. Bring a kazoo.
12. Act like you’re doing something important, and ask them to “keep it down”
13. Every time the judge uses the gavel, keel over backwards and act like you’ve been shot.
14. Bring a Gameboy and leave the volume at full.
15. Wait until everybody is completely focused on the trial, then blow a referee’s whistle as loud as you can. Point to the person next to you and tell him to “stop it!”
16. Pretend you turn into a pig when you get wet. Douse yourself in cold water and act like one.
17. Call the judge a wuss when he issues the death penalty. When he accuses you of contempt of the court, look puzzled and ask him what it means. When he answers, object.
Old Age Wedding
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
‘Are you the owner?’ The pharmacist answers yes.
Says Jacob: ‘We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?’
Pharmacist: ‘Of course we do.’
Jacob: ‘How about medicine for circulation?’
Pharmacist: ‘All kinds.’
Jacob: ‘Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? ‘
Jacob: ‘How about Viagra?’
Pharmacist: ‘Of course.’
Jacob: ‘Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?’
Pharmacist: ‘Yes, a large variety. The works.’
Jacob: ‘What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?’
Jacob: ‘You sell wheelchairs and walkers?’
Pharmacist: ‘All speeds and sizes.’
Jacob says to the pharmacist: ‘We’d like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.’
Fun Things To Do On A Bus
When someone asks you what your favorite mode of transit is, it most likely isn’t taking the bus! However, if you are stuck on a long bus ride, we are pleased to provide you with a list of things to do to pass away the time…
1. Eat nothing but gas inducing foods the entire trip, not hesitating to share the wealth with everyone on board. Recommended foods are chili, burritos, McDonalds, any eggs, Kentucky Fried Chicken (stay near the toilet if you want the KFC…)
2. Repeat #1, only engage in a fart war, with the bus driver. (For those that do not know what a fart is, it involves making a cup with your hand, farting in it and slipping it directly into the face of some unsuspecting friend.)
3. Every time the bus wobbles from the wind caused by passing transports, jump up and scream WERE ALL GONNA DIE!?/font>
4. Incessantly complain that it is way too cold in the bus, no matter what the temperature is, keep doing it until the bus driver turns the heat up to full blast just to shut you up, then wait a few minutes for it to get really hot and start to complain about it.
5. Two words: Water Pistol
6. Two more words: Paper Airplanes
7. Make racing car noises constantly, occasionally announcing your progress along the racetrack in an announcer voice. When anyone comes up to you and asks what the fuck you are doing, look at them funny and ask how they got in your NASCAR.
8. Eat nothing but really noisy foods, such as bags of chips, nachos, tacos, individually wrapped candies and unwrap them as loudly as possible. Also eat them noisily, chewing with your mouth open and making the loudest possible slopping noises.
9. Purchase a megaphone, nuff said.
10. Engage in some hot, wild sex at the back of the bus with one or more passengers.
11. Sit at the back of the bus, turning off all the lights around you and keeping the blinds down, keep a black briefcase on your lap at all times, wear a black trench coat and a black hat, look really nervous, don’t talk to anybody and keep glancing at your watch.
12. Walk up and down the aisle, claiming out loud that you are Jesus and blessing everyone with a half-eaten leg of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
13. When the bus is driving all alone on a long stretch of highway, preferably completely devoid of life of any sort, suddenly jump up and start running up and down the aisle, flailing your arms and screaming as loud and you can….
14. Then after 30 seconds or so, sit down at your seat and act like nothing happened.
15. When the bus stops for a food break, instead of following the other passengers to a restaurant, sit outside in front of the big picture window on the ground with a struggling burlap sack. Open the sack and remove some small, live animal (cat, squirrel, rat, pigeon, etc…) and eat it like a feral dog would, in the view of everyone else. Make lots of growling noises, snarl and snap at people who get too close.
16. Use the bathroom often, for disturbingly long periods of time. Make lots of grunting and straining noises, loud enough for everyone to hear. Occasionally drop an orange into the bowl from a good height.
17. When in the bathroom, wait for the bus to hit a huge pothole or bump, then scream for help, claiming you are now shitting on your head.
18. Get on the bus first, pick the seat right behind the bus driver, as everyone gets on, greet each one of them with a hug and a kiss.
19. At night when everyone is sleepy and unsuspecting, suddenly start barking as loud as possible, feel free to use megaphone.
20. Play with knives, just like Bishop on Aliens!
21. Clean a .357 Magnum, if that doesn’t get people’s attention, cleaning the rest of your on board hand collection will.
22. When someone is in the toilet, bang on the door and yell at them to get out as quickly as possible. Then just as they open the door, put a strained look on your face and say never mind then drive the point home by farting.
23. Musical chairs, using your 200-watt boom box.
24. Come onto the bus with a beanie on, sit down and put your headphone buds up your nose. When the person sitting beside you looks at you like you are from mars, say “Mishap during an operation, Doctors just aren’t the same these days.”
25. When sitting down in your seat, pull out a small collection of vomit bags, look through them and ask the person beside you “If I run, out do you have any paper or plastic bags? I’m not picky, either would be fine…
Yes Drill Sergeant!
One of the duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, “There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!” Checking to see that he had everyone’s attention, he asked, “What is the first rule?” Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, “Shut up, Drill Sergeant!”
More Dark Jokes
If you see me smiling, I’m probably thinking of doing something evil.
If I’m laughing, I’ve already done it.
Join the Army, meet some fascinating people, then kill them.
“Do you have Valentines cards that say something like “You’re my only one?”
Wonderful! I’ll take 8 of those please.
I discovered my mother in law has weekly sessions with Lucifer himself on how to be even more vicious. I’ve no idea what kind of fees she’s charging him.
A mom tells her son a joke; the son is embarrassed and says: “Mom, please don’t tell any more jokes. You really can’t make them.”
The mom only shrugs and says, “Well – I did make you…”
Why do hurricanes get such lame names, like Sandy? Name that thing Hurricane Death Megatron 900 and I guarantee folks will be evacuating like they need to.
They say you cannot outrun a bear. True, but don’t panic, usually it is enough to outrun the chubbiest member of your hiking group.
Around 50% of our youth sees the future in a positive way. The other half doesn’t have the money to buy the drugs.
You’d think they’d be grateful at the blood donor clinic. Not harass me with stupid questions like, “Where did this blood come from.”
What is yellow and makes moms happy in the morning?
The school bus.
Working in a bank is a very ungrateful job. A lady asks me to check her balance – so I push her over, they fire me.
KID : Dad, what do condoms do?
DAD : Son, they prevent questions just like that one.
There’s a new lipstick on the market, it is guaranteed to help you lose lots of weight, and fast.
It’s marketed as a glue stick.
During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.
He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever hired. |
More From Comedians
“I don’t know what’s wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.”–Bruce Baum
“I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there’s one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners.”–Jeff Stilson
“Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.”–Sue Murphy
“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it’s you.”–Rita Mae Brown
“Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?”–Rita Rudner
“Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.”–Jerry Seinfeld
“USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.”–David Letterman
“If God doesn’t destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.”–Jay Leno
“I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.”–Lily Tomlin
“The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.’”–Jerry Seinfeld
“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my….I could be eating a slow learner.”
Different Things To Do In The Dorm Shower
1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, “I didn’t know I had one of THOSE!”
2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure your clothes get all wet and soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed.
3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.
4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luther’s evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower.
5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim “Ow! You know, it really hurts when you pop one of those.” Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.
6. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall return it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it.
7. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your stomach.
8. Stand in the bathroom, waiting for would-be shower-goers. When they come in, tell them “not to do it” and ask them “not to give in to sin.” Wail mournfully when they step into the shower.
9. Initiate a war with the person in the stall next to you. Use the residual water on the floor as your battle medium, and float little battleships over to their side. If they kick them back or throw them over the edge, exclaim that you didn’t know they had the power of God and sheepishly mumble prayers for the duration of your shower.
10. Bring in a fake finger. Float it down the drainage “ditch.” Ask if someone would be so kind as to return it to you. If no one does, tell them that the finger has been sacrificed to Satan and that the shower stalls are now possessed. Hang Halloween decorations and crepe-paper ghosts from them the next day.
11. Bang your head against the stall wall, shouting “Redrum! Redrum!” in your best groggy voice.
12. Bring a Yoo-Hoo chocolate milk drink to the shower with you. Complain about a stomach ache, then moan “Ohhhh, um, uh-oh,” and squirt the Yoo-Hoo down the drain “ditch” for all to see.
13. Coat the floor in a fine layer of quick-drying cement.
14. Hang “Marisa Cevasco steals Homecoming Queen Crown” signs in all the stalls. If anyone asks who Marisa Cevasco is, call them ignorant and ignore them for the rest of your life.
15. Bring in Sesame Street bath books. Read them aloud. Giggle every time Bert walks in on Ernie bathing.
16. Stare at people’s feet as they bathe. If they do not wash their feet, tell them to. If this happens a second time, steal their shoes and tell them that they left on strike. If they DO wash their feet and fall down while doing it, laugh hysterically.
17. Stand outside the shower curtain, raise a harpoon, and shout “I’m coming for you, Moby!” Run in and do battle with the faucet-head. Walk out a peg leg.
18. Charge a toll for people wanting to use the shower. If they complain, light them on fire. THEN they’ll pay.
No One Tells Americans What To Do!
This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.
CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that’s one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.